How to Find A BDSM Partner Online

Dating online can be a minefield, but follow our top tips on what – and what not – to do and get ahead of the game in Fetish dating. Honesty, humour and communication are key. Indeed, improve your communication skills, and you just might find the BDSM partner of your (wet) dreams.

How to find a BDSM partner

Just like any domain of life, to find a BDSM partner online, you need to adopt a communicative and open approach. In fact, communication is much more important when finding a fetish partner when compared to many other types of situation, including ‘vanilla’ dating.

One of the worst messages that you can send online as a conversational opener to a partner is ‘hi’ or ‘hello’. Although in real life a brief, informal, opener may work, online it is both bland and uninteresting. It puts the impetus to respond to the other person, who will, in most cases, decide not to. Of course, once you get to know someone, then they may welcome seeing a ‘hi’ from you.

Another mistake that people make is to simply copy and paste the same message to every person that attracts their interest without reading their profile and thinking about whether their copied text meets with their own fetishes. They are merely trying to approach as many people as possible, as quickly as possible, and is not how you find a BDSM partner.

Promising too much

Some people will give all of the details of their fetish in their opening salvo and promise the world to that person. For example, in their opening message, a submissive may claim that they are the dominant partner’s slave and would do anything to please her. That approach is unlikely to work well, and the dominant may well decide to ignore the message.

When this approach does work, paradoxically, the submissive often backs down. If the dominant replies that she does agree, and that the submissive should meet with her at a certain time and location, it's all too common for such submissive men not to go through with the meeting. In turn, this means that it's all too common for dominant women not to reply to such messages. They would rather be involved in relationships where some kind of trust has built up.

Considerate and honest

The three key things to remember when opening up communication on a fetish dating site with a potential fetish partner are being considerate, honest and playful. 

Consideration means that you will have read the other person’s fetish profile before you respond. You should take their interests into account to see if they are similar to your own. An opening message that refers to something in their profile, perhaps with a question, will be much more likely to receive a response. For example, if you're messaging a mistress who enjoys training ponyboys, and you are one, you may state that you share her interest, and ask her opinion about a particular piece of equipment, or about a club that you've been to.

Being honest means to be open about your fetishes and other details of your life. You should always be honest about your relationship status and to let your potential fetish partner you are corresponding with know about your situation. You should also be honest about your limits regarding fetishes and your other interests. There's nothing worse than finding out that the person you were corresponding with is completely different in real life.

To find a BDSM partner you need to be honest about who you are.

Be playful

Playfulness is an overlooked aspect of communication online. Without being evasive or overtly jokey, it's important to consider that people like to engage with someone with a sense of humour, who is not completely obsessive about their fetish to the exclusion of all other aspects.

Even in BDSM relationships, humour and a desire for play and fun are important, even though many aspects of scenes may be steeped in ritual and obedience. People like a human touch online and in real life, so showing a bit of your personality is a great way to find a BDSM partner.

Ending communication: when it doesn’t work

Most advice on dating on fetish sites concerns how to open up communication and to maintain an online relationship with someone. There is less information available on what happens when communication doesn't work.

Firstly, if your messages are not receiving a response, it's best not to pursue communication further. It's a definitive sign that the person does not want to continue communicating with you. Secondly, if a person tells you that they do not wish to be contacted, respect their wishes. The opposite is also true: if you do not want to continue communicating with a person online, it's best to let them know rather than simply to be polite.

Finally: meeting up

Once you have been communicating online with your potential fetish partner for a while, you might like to suggest a date. It's a good idea to chat to someone on the telephone, or through a webcam, beforehand so that you can see if you would get on in a real-world interaction. Whatever you decide to do, it's essential to be safe and only to get involved with scenes and relationships where you are comfortable.

Agree with our tips on how to find a BDSM partner? What works for you and what bugs you when messaging other kinksters? Share your experiences in the Fetish.com forum.

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