It’s all been a bit too serious around here recently. It’s time for something a little more lighthearted. Here’s a rundown of the creepiest, most spook-themed Halloween sex toys out there. Just in case you fancied brightening up your Halloween celebrations this year.

 

Dildo Or Dildon’t #14:
The Best (or Worst) Halloween Sex Toys

 

 

I did always wonder about those Na'vi...


Did you know there was a Fleshlight Freaks range? I’ve always found Fleshlights a bit creepy-looking in general, myself, but these really take that feeling and run with it. With a little shopping you can fuck an alien with horrifyingly blue skin, get a blowjob from a sexy fanged vampire mouth in a fake beer can or experience deep penetration from a completely horrific zombie dick I hope I never have to look at again.

Interestingly, you can now only buy these toys from third-party retailers: Fleshlight’s own website has scrubbed away all traces of the range and seems determined to pretend it never existed. I can see why.

 

 

At least it’s equal-opportunity offense, I guess?


halloween-sex-toys-2.jpgMany of our Halloween traditions - including costuming - stem from our ancestor’s attempts to keep the Devil and his compatriots at bay. I’m glad to discover that sex toy manufacturers are keeping up their end of the bargain. After all, who wouldn’t be frightened off by this collection of unilaterally inappropriate dildos from Divine Interventions? If you feel like you need a bit of a telling-off after a fun night in with Jesus, both his crucifix and his manger, I’m sure the Mother Interior dildo from Hole Punch is up to the task. Ranking as one of the most offensive Halloween sex toys on this list.

 

 

Not Your Grandma’s Party Lighting


Glow in the dark condoms have been around since time immemorial, of course, but there are plenty of other ways to light up the autumnal nights. I’m oddly taken with this cheeky bear-shaped bottle of glow in the dark lube. You could use it to smooth the way when you’ve finished making a glow in the dark replica of your favourite penis. If kink is more your thing, never fear: this glow in the dark bondage kit comes with wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs and a ball gag. All the better to help your partner see what they’re doing with their new arsenal of glow in the dark canes, paddles and floggers.

NB: I do not actually advise that you indulge in impact play in an environment lit only by glow in the dark Halloween sex toys. Especially not that last one. You could have someone’s eye out with that thing.

 

 

YKINMK&c


That’s a useful acronym, that is: “your kink is not my kink (but your kink is okay)”. Because your kink is okay. I genuinely do believe that your kink is okay. Promise, even if your kink is getting an alien-looking dildo to deposit a squishy egg thing made of boiled-up animal trotters inside you so that it then melts and sort of oozes out. I just don’t really want to think about it too hard. Oh my god.

That's all for now kinksters and remember patience will always be rewarded.

Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to sexual deviancy, far-left politics and wearing too much jewellery. Find her at her website or @see_abi_write.

Abi also answers any and all questions you might have in that kinky brain of yours! Send your dilemmas, weird questions and freaky scenarios to AskAbi (at) fuck (dot) com.

 


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