Not too long ago, I watched a lovely girl squirm in her chair as I shared all the terrible and naughty things I wanted do to her. She was adorable and delightful, and kept asking for me to share more, to which I obliged, but that’s where it ended. I didn't do any of those things, because while we’d spoken, consent for those things to happen was never given. Ours is a great example of the importance of kink and consent.

When I shared with a third party about the hot results I got from my intense, verbal suggestions, she was confused. She actually asked me, “But if you know she wants it, why make her say she does? Why not just tie her to a cross right then and there?”

Navigating kink and consent


This floored me, because this person also had at least some experience with BDSM. I thought surely she’d understand that if there isn't verbal negotiation, or written, then there isn't consent. But she didn't.

Consent should be something we all agree on. Dictionaries vary slightly, but most suggest that consent means having permission or negotiation for something to happen. It is an agreement. When no words are spoken or written, there isn't an agreement. Visual desire does not equate to verbal consent.

I understand that stopping in the middle of something, or having everything pre-negotiated seems like it takes out some of the spontaneous fun, but this is where yes, maybe, and no lists can come into play. Or a hard limits and safe word talk. A proper Dom or Domme should require that before play. This way there is a clear understanding of what the person is okay with or not okay with. The Dominant can then determine what he or she is okay with as well.

Stories are also great. Requiring a submissive to write a story about their ideal scenario is fantastic for building a scene around. This also requires pre-negotiation.

My suspicion is that some of this confusion comes from our views on kink and consent during sex. While many people understand that there needs to be detailed negotiation and conversation around BDSM, sex is often overlooked. In movies and shows, we never see a couple stopping to ask one another if they really want to have sex. It’s all based on instinct. Meaning that the people are going off of those same visual queues that the third party suggested I act on.

kink-consent-begging-the-question-2

The truth about implied consent


There is no such thing as implied consent. True consent should be verbal, or in writing, and never implied. It also needs to be consistent consent. Relationships do not imply consent either. When an adorable little slut says, “Please fuck my brains out and beat me until I’m bruised and sore,” that’s pretty clear consent!

This is why begging is such a beautiful thing. When a submissive is made to beg for what he or she wants, it forces them from that place of instinct and responses to solely visual queues, and takes them to a place of very conscious choice.

If we can’t beg for it, we don’t really want it. Or we may want it, but not be ready. Begging enables bottoms to be very clear in their own minds, with what they desire. And tops or D’s can also use that begging to gauge whether or not he or she wants to fulfill that desire. Consciousness is key, and moving from instinct into conscious choice is the difference between the illusion of consent, and actual consent.

Plus, begging is so hot!

Many of us are taught to assess the needs of others, and act on those assessments. The more accurate we are at determining needs, and acting upon that, the more we are praised. But consent in any sort of sexual or BDSM way, should never be merely assessed and acted on. Observation is great, and incredible useful, but only when added to actual consent.

So the next time you want to be tied to a cross and beaten, beg your Dominant for it. Beg, so that he or she knows that you know what you want, that you are consenting verbally, again and again with each desperate plea. There is no confusion around kink and consent when there’s enthusiastic begging involved!

Sienna Saint-Cyr writes erotica and blogs about kink, poly, body image, and most things relating. Follow her on her website or on Twitter @siennasaintcyr.
© Sergiy Guk / Dollar Photo Club and wolfi_m via Flickr with CC BY 2.0 license

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