How do sex and spirituality go together? If Victoria Blisse received a pound every time someone asked how she can be a Christian and write erotica too, she'll respond, 'I'd be very rich indeed.' Her answer is always the same. 'God is cool with it, I asked.'
MY BDSM, sex and spirituality
People are genuinely amazed that I can hold faith in God and be a smut writing, BDSM loving, sex-positive person. There’s an association between holiness and abstinence, but why is that? Why does general opinion dictate that sex and spirituality can’t mix?
Coming from a Christian background, I’ve heard monogamy preached since I was little. Although in the Church of England tradition ministers can marry (but only a person of the opposite sex) I’ve always been aware of the fact that Roman Catholic priests can’t. It always seemed strange to me that in a tradition that pertains to preach love, a vicar is not allowed to have a partner in their life.
As I got older, the anti-sex message became more blatant, especially as a teenager where ‘no sex before marriage’ became the mantra and sadly gay sex was condemned completely. I accepted it as read at first; it was only as I got older that I started to question why sex was so terrible?
Sex and spirituality at the Temple Khajuraho, India.
And the answer is...
And do you know what? I still haven’t found an answer that makes any real sense. It seems to be a leftover of the church trying to curtail and control the population. It has no real purpose in a world where there are many forms of contraception, and most sexual activity is for leisure, not for reproductive purposes.
I don’t understand the church’s stand on homosexuality either. The verses in the bible which are quoted to back this up are talking about forced sex, which of course needs to be condemned. Not homosexuality itself and Jesus had absolutely nothing to say on the matter. Love is love, and we should all be free to share that with whoever we want to.
Walking the line
So I have strayed away from the conservative side of my religion and taken a far more liberal approach to sex and spirituality - and kink. I believe that as long as it makes you happy and you’re not setting out to seriously hurt anyone else, then it’s all good. Intimacy and love are a huge driving factor for humans. It’s like we all have holes in our souls that need filling. We crave connection. When we join with others, with our God and ourselves, we find peace and contentment.
Sexuality is a unique part of what makes a person who they are and to deny it is definitely not healthy. I have luckily never felt repressed by my faith, by the church, yes, but never my faith. I have come to my own conclusion that sex and kink can very much enhance a person’s spiritual connection. I think God must get his most communication during sexual acts. How many times have you exclaimed ‘Oh my God?’ in the heat of passion? It may seem flippant, but many people believe there is a connection between sex and some higher plane of consciousness.
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Writing erotica and other sexual spiritual practices
Tantric sex is well known for this, connecting mind, body and spirit to extend orgasm and well-being. Karma Sutra shows the importance of sex in a balanced life. Even the Bible’s Song of Solomon is a poem all about lust, so sex and spirituality definitely go hand in hand.
I was ordained into Refreshing Ministry at Manchester Pride 2016. I now refer to myself as a Reverend to the kinky. So many people come to me bogged down with guilt over what they write, what they read, what they do, and how they get off. I try to show that as long as it is causing no harm to that person or anyone else, then it’s perfectly healthy, perfectly acceptable and isn’t going to keep anyone from God.
Sweet pain and subspace
Even when that involves physically hurting another person or being hurt by someone else like it does in the BDSM scene. Pain and pleasure are very much entwined for some, myself included. It can also be a spiritual act. I feel a strong paradox when I’m lost in the pain of an intense scene. I’m at once acutely aware of my body and also feel like I’m separated from it. I feel everything intensely, but my mind seems to float free. It is as if I achieve another level of consciousness. Where pain and pleasure blend and meld and my worries drop away.
In those moments, I am just me. All the masks, walls and social constructs are stripped away, and in my vulnerability, I’m very much aware of being very small in a big, big world. But that’s okay. I think that feeling of connection is an essential part of my spirituality. This is what I hope to communicate through my ministry. That sex is a part of life, and it’s there to be enjoyed. Finding out who you are, what you enjoy and finding pleasure are all an essential part of growing up. It’s all part of the journey of life. And it can be part of your spiritual journey too.
So however you find your connection, whatever your kink, it really is entirely okay. It is part of you and learning to embrace and love yourself just as you are in the centre of a fulfilling life.
Victoria Blisse is an erotic author, a Sex Positive Reverend and part of Smut.UK who arrange events for curious and kinky people with a literary bent. She's a cheeky wench and good girl in equal measure and has a big heart and an even bigger smile. Variety is the spice of life so she keeps her life spicy!
#YKINMKBYKIOK How does BDSM play into your spirituality or does it? What are your experiences with sex and spirituality? Share your thoughts in the Fetish.com forum.
Images: Eric@focus & Seba Della via Flickr.com CC BY 2.0 license
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