What makes a dom/domme a dom/domme

On 2/9/2022 at 7:55 PM, sonofthunder777 said:

It's unfortunate, but I've heard far too many stories about brand new subs getting taken advantage of by predatory "doms". Ending up getting tied up & robbed or even borderline tortured. This could be due to the 'sub frenzy' that many new submissives have, wanting to try everything with everyone... But the true fault always comes down to these predators masquerading as Doms. These people should be shunned from the community, just like people who don't play nice & don't respect limits & safe words. I'd say it's the same basic problem. The world is full of bad people. In every walk of life, they greatly outnumber the good ones. Exercise extreme caution at all times with all people, especially people you've never played with before.

It is also the Submissive's duty to have her or his wits about them!! If you don't use your common sense then people will take advantage 

Every time I got that I would get asked for money, within like 5 more messages. It's like fucking clockwork. Defo a fraudster.

Excellent

💯 I matched with someone on a dating app a few weeks ago, she said she was a dominatrix and I told her I'm interested in exploring that dynamic. First thing out of her mouth, she's like "do you agree to submit to me completely and do everything I command, no questions asked?" LOL I was like "do you agree consent is important?" A while passes, she responds "I don't have time to mess around", something like that. So I say "without consent you're jusy a sexual predator. Understanding the difference will make you more successful", then I reported and blocked her. 😂 what a jerk

It's unfortunate, but I've heard far too many stories about brand new subs getting taken advantage of by predatory "doms". Ending up getting tied up & robbed or even borderline tortured. This could be due to the 'sub frenzy' that many new submissives have, wanting to try everything with everyone... But the true fault always comes down to these predators masquerading as Doms. These people should be shunned from the community, just like people who don't play nice & don't respect limits & safe words. I'd say it's the same basic problem. The world is full of bad people. In every walk of life, they greatly outnumber the good ones. Exercise extreme caution at all times with all people, especially people you've never played with before.

2 hours ago, Bathblonde said:

Regardless of the person being a Sub, they’re not your Sub and should not be approached as such!

Bathblonde has hit the nail on the head right there. A person recently posted it very well that although they state they are into CNC the messages stating they were going to rape her were not CNC as she did not consent to it. Assuming a sub will go weak at the knees because you've decided they are worthy of you taking them on as a sub without even speaking to them is pathetic and certainly a red flag. 

The fact some think that being polite or talking to a sub like a human first and not a wank toy to just you cock at is a red flag is rather telling of how big the problem of fake Doms is.

 

1 hour ago, OnlyMatt420 said:

I don't believe that as a red flag, approaching a conversation online as a Dom to a sub because their profile is there as an introduction before the conversation. It's hard to communicate to someone with no pic or profile description. When they come out as a sub in their profile I believe it's acceptable to approach them in a role play scenario. A red flag is when the conversation starts off vanilla.

Regardless of the person being a Sub, they’re not your Sub and should not be approached as such!

Love this, a really good way of explaining the difference. If you'd like some more ideas of 'Red Flags' to look out for then you might find Fifty Shades of Nope a useful read. 

nice and very true

At onlymatt420 - Red flag is when a Dom assumes a role that hasn't been previously discussed and agreed with the potential submissive. It's not by them politely making contact to see if the submissive wants to chat with the Dom.

I don't believe that as a red flag, approaching a conversation online as a Dom to a sub because their profile is there as an introduction before the conversation. It's hard to communicate to someone with no pic or profile description. When they come out as a sub in their profile I believe it's acceptable to approach them in a role play scenario. A red flag is when the conversation starts off vanilla.

Excellent article, thank you!

the fact you think this only affects male subs…

I'm not a male sub so it doesn't directly affect me, but the number of Dommes with their "approach, worm" attitude....
If I did that as a Dom.. I wouldn't get far.
As for the seemingly increasing Findom attitude....
Good luck all 🤣

Wonderful article definitely needs to show this to a few creepy and thirsty doms I’ve met on here!

Ok..I'm game

I wish I had this information when I finally got into the lifestyle as I wouldn't have been scammed but now I think I'll be better prepared

❤️❤️❤️Love this topic. So many on FET

You should see the cheek of some there well establish LS or Pro that have worked on kink.com or beloved followers on social media and someone thinks a few stolen pics is actually going to work

I caught a "real south Florida Domme"  using a famous Domme named Lady Asmondena's  picture 

Social first in day time busy place, don’t push for play or sex straight away make a decision after several meets if necessary. That’s if they make it to an actual social after talking on a other platform (at a later date) phone calls, video calls, ID check and safety of the other person in mind.

Just google the BDSM Acid test but in the main anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries, always swings the conversation towards a sexual nature, insistent on titles from the offset, makes you feel uncomfortable or pushes you into making a choice by applying pressure, no consideration of your life your side of all of this.

Almost off topic going full onto scammers and adding a verification process to the sign up. I am sure there are plenty of scam topics or website/app complaints :-) I cant see any verification process that confirm D/s status ! 

Looking at the positives; its mostly a free service as it stands. 

Back on topic how can we check if someone is a genuine Dom or sub? Or do we simply take a risk and meetup after a period of online chit chat?

2 minutes ago, MasterScorpio said:

And 95% of them are pure scammers

It would be so much easier if verification was a must on sign up, the site would get a better reputation for having it and the 95% would go down a bit, it would just get rid of the fake photo profiles but its a start lol

And 95% of them are pure scammers

So many “findoms” and fake profiles asking for money on this app its crazy

Sadly, the wannabe's ruin the whole scene experience for so many genuine Dom's and submissive's. I've seen the marks / bruises / cuts from alleged "caring Dom's" to know it's a minefield for sub's out there. Do your research, people.

 in time all fakes get outed once asking for verification, i always give benefit of doubt at first, chat as though real, mostly you get a gut feeling something not quite right and 9/10 gut is right.

Ive outed many fakes in my time lol.

Ive also had convos with people that have tried to come across as they know stuff but when ive confronted (nicely) some have admitted they are new and just trying to act how they think they should because 'thats how doms act', so sometimes red flags are just no knowledge/mislead new comers 😊

2 hours ago, Cheekysub247 said:

Just a note on something mentioned about red flags on subs too...

Someone said that if a sub didnt ask certain questions or ask for reference ect, i dont do that, ive never asked to speak to any ex partners, i have no interest in that. I wouldnt know what certain questions someone would be asking to see if im real, i wouldnt know what im 'meant' to be asking to prove im real. I ask what feels right at the time, if im not sure they really know an activity i question what/how they done something and if its not adding up then obviously i know they actually never done it or worse!

Theres fakes on both sides, ive heard both sides from Dom/me friends. Trolls make this all very difficult for everyone, everyone has their guard up sadly 🙁

Ive been at this 20+ years and i just do things my way, how i need to connect to someone 😊

There are no hard and fast rules on how to check each other out on here. I def wouldn't be passing out an exes phone number for a reference....Feel free to ask but a polite refusal does not mean I am fake! :-) 

So how do I prove I am real or a real Dom? And how do others prove to be a real sub? Various verifications on the app/website can help at least with photo-check and 18+ if you pay for it. 

The words "real" or "fake "slightly off-putting. We have different possibilities here at play.

1. The profile is 100% catfished - how will you know until a meetup? Same things apply you might consider on Tinder or other apps. 
2. Profile mostly genuine but the person doesn't really know what "label" if any they should take and feel pressured to choose one. Are they fake? Or rather a potential Dom or sub who should have L plates up? :-) 
3.  Exaggerated experience on a profile either from a Dom or a sub. I would say the risk here could be mostly emotional if a confessed newbie is relying on the alleged more experienced person to keep them both safe.
4. As I type I  am thinking there could be bigger issues in exaggerated or catfished profiles related to Sadist/masochist relationships. 

 

Edited February 8, 2022 by 666d3f09d9036ddb959087b7fccfe8bc

👏🏻

That’s most of the fun for a dom when it comes to newbies. To seduce their mind and discover what she wants and needs without actually saying it. Helping her explore things she’s only fantasized about. It’s really an honor to me! It doesn’t matter the level of submission, it’s the submission in general that gives a dom pleasure, and pride! A real dom will be able to tell exactly what you want without asking!! Not saying he does it without asking, but he will know. At least I can.

I’m not doubting that there are fake anything out there but how do you know that particular sub is a fake and not your type of sub? The same could be said of a dom/me? But at the end of the day isn’t a dom/me capable of doing more harm than a sub?
What about someone (aka me) who is new to this, could they possibly give off fake vibes because they don’t fully know what they’re into yet or ok with?

Just a note on something mentioned about red flags on subs too...

Someone said that if a sub didnt ask certain questions or ask for reference ect, i dont do that, ive never asked to speak to any ex partners, i have no interest in that. I wouldnt know what certain questions someone would be asking to see if im real, i wouldnt know what im 'meant' to be asking to prove im real. I ask what feels right at the time, if im not sure they really know an activity i question what/how they done something and if its not adding up then obviously i know they actually never done it or worse!

Theres fakes on both sides, ive heard both sides from Dom/me friends. Trolls make this all very difficult for everyone, everyone has their guard up sadly 🙁

Ive been at this 20+ years and i just do things my way, how i need to connect to someone 😊

I agree with you here, this is a really useful piece on fake Doms but there are a lot of fake subs out there too and the other side of the coin would be some useful advice.
Plenty of red flags I’ve seen before. And I think also as well as “genuine” fake subs and wannabes you are also more likely to
Encounter a scammer posing as a sub than a Dom.

Unbiased (at least attempted) and balanced information is lost here. I wouldn't hold your breath.

A brilliant piece of work but in my experience I have come across fake subs too, which were easy to spot because as a dom I use a filtering process of questions which usually identifies a genuine sub. If I have to prompt a sub to ask any specific questions then my red light goes on. I also expect a sub to question me on the dynamics and of my personal experiences and training. Its a two way street guys but do on the whole agree with Stella Harris issues

A companion piece should also be written and published on fake subs and what to watch for, this discussion makes out its all one sided and that there are only fake Dominants. From experience this is not the case, fake wannabes exist across the spectrum in D/s, a bit of balance to the discussion would be much appreciated.

The op pretty much nailed it.. It's a to way street, a symbiotic relation...

Everyone should read this and take note!!!

Yep those 'insta dom' types are a pain, i love it when im told im 'not a true sub' because i wont call them Sir ect within 5 mins of chatting 😂
It takes me alot of connection and trust to call someone Sir which doesnt happen quickly

I think this is a very good and informative article. Your opinion of it is just that… opinion. I personally have experienced everything she has written about… maybe you are lucky in yiu have not 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry that was meant for @curiousBBW still getting to grips with the app😂

I’m the exact same! I’m new and so easily trusting, and sometimes fall into the trap of letting my guard down too fast. It’s nice to know there’s others in the same boat tho. Feel free to message me bc you’re definitely not alone🙂

This is a misleading article. It isn’t evidence-based and makes a lot of assumptions. It also doesn’t even explain what a “fake dom” is - a sex worker? A man desperate for sex? A sex worker is not a domme. Each person is different and have different ways of engaging online. Whoever wrote this article knows nothing about digital safety and is not an academic. Also seems to have weak knowledge of BDSM. Of course consent is an issue, but this person is entirely off….I can’t believe your app would publish this unresearched and false garbage. It’s not even an opinion piece…let alone a blog post.

Oh my god! This is amazing to read. I'm so new to this and have definitely seen so many red flags in such a short space of time that it was almost enough to scare me off completely. My problem is I'm just a trusting person in general and always look for the good in people and it has hurt me in the past.

I really want to experience this lifestyle for all the amazing opportunities it presents but as someone new to the scene it can be so hard to navigate alone, especially since I don't have anyone in my normal circle of friends or family that I can talk to about this.

Reading this has definitely highlighted some red flags with a few people I was oblivious to.

Thankfully, despite a pretty hit and miss start, I'm optimistic about what opportunities I'll get to explore and the good people on this site, one in particular, definitely make up for the bad.

Most don’t even know that conversation needs to be had they just want to go straight into it . It’s quite sad but I guess it’s trendy now smh

My first question to would-be dommes is what they expect of me.  Their response should be a question about my limits.  Anything else and I assume that they don't know what they're doing.

THIS, THIS, THIS!!! There are so many so called dom/mes that need to read this!!! They’re either ignorant of this lifestyle or know damn well what they are doing and using it to abuse people. Newbies take note!!

Good advice in the main

Good advice in the main