This week, one Fetish.com member asks our resident BDSM advice columnist Molly, for tips on training her married sub and receives advice on how to define boundaries within their Dom and sub relationship. 


Dear Molly,
I’m a Dom who has a sub who is married to someone else (please don’t judge). I'm currently training him by not letting him come, so I’ve got him edging daily etc. I am looking to do this long-term, but I understand he still needs to have sex with his wife every so often, so how do I manage this into his sub training? Should I make him think of something bad when he comes with her? We have talked about it, and neither of us really know how to work around it. From what he tells me they don’t have sex often and he doesn’t initiate it anymore, but would it look suspicious if he refused her advances as well?  It’s a hard one, so any advice you could suggest would be good. FYI, I have tried to ask him to leave her, but they have a small child together, and he doesn’t want to leave because of this.
Anonymous H

 

A picture of Molly Moore. BDSM TipsDear Anonymous H,
Firstly, absolutely no judgement here! People do things for all sorts of complex reasons to help them find happiness. However, about your question, I do have some worries... 
 

Defining Dom and sub relationship boundaries

One of the things I think you and your sub need to do is to talk about how far your remit extends as the Dominant. The reason I say this is because I don't think that your Dom and sub relationship should have anything to do with his marriage. In my opinion, that is one area that should be ring-fenced. 

It's very common for couples in a Dom and sub relationship to have areas that are not part of their power exchange dynamic. In my case, for example, finances and the care of my children are the two principal areas where my Dom can't exert his dominance. I would still talk to him and ask for his advice and opinion, but at the end of the day, I am free to make my own decisions in these areas. 

I think this needs to be the case concerning your submissive's marriage - especially the sex life he has with his wife. It's not OK for you to be managing that in any way as the other person has no idea that is happening, so there is a massive issue of consent violation in this situation. 
 

Being a good Dom is learning to share

Your sub having a relationship with his wife seems to be something that is not up for negotiation on his part. You have asked him to leave her, and he has said no, so I think it's essential for you to accept the situation. If that's a deal breaker for you and your Dom and sub relationship, then that's a legitimate choice on your part, and perhaps you should end the relationship.  However, if it's not a deal breaker, then you have to accept that being a Dom to him does not extend into that relationship. 

If he was openly poly with his wife, and everyone knew they were sharing, and she consented to be part of his sub training - that would be another thing altogether.  As she has not given consent, it is your job as the Dominant to tell him that this part of his life does not come under your control and set your boundaries in that regard. 

For example, do you want him to report to you everything that they did so you know - or would you rather not know anything? If you're going to be in this relationship with him, then I think it's vital that you don't try to use your power as his Dominant to damage his marriage.  

In my opinion, one of the key things about being a Dominant is to make positive, healthy choices for your sub and encourage them to be the best person they can be. In this situation it would mean accepting that his marriage is something he wants to maintain, and you either have to live with it - or not, which means this isn't the right relationship for you. 
 


Need Dom and sub relationship advice? Have questions on sub training?  Ask Molly! 
 


Sub training 

But, all of this doesn't mean you can't still indulge in orgasm control. As part of his sub training, you could get him to keep an orgasm diary/report so that every time your sub edges, he has to note down what he thought about. You can set edging goals, such as edge for five minutes one day, seven minutes the next, and so on until you decide it's time for him to come. Perhaps you could look into getting a chastity device, although this might be tricky depending on how physically open he is with his partner.  I have certainly heard of men wearing them when their partner isn't around. The key is to make his sub training all about control, arousal and about the two of you so that it's fun, exciting and pleasurable - and not violating the consent of someone else.
 

Final thoughts

Undoubtedly some people will say that having an affair is violating her consent - and while this is something that you both have to decide if you're OK with, to me, your Dom and sub relationship being part of their sex life seems unethical on another level. I would urge you to explain and encourage him to make his own decisions for what feels right for him when it comes to his marriage.  
 


Looking for advice for your Dom and sub relationship? Need BDSM tips? Contact Molly via her Fetish.com profile or visit her thread in the BDSM Forum:gimp:

 Mollys BDSM Tips and Advice.  Ask Her!
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