For such a short word, 'no' can be hard to say and harder still to hear. It's difficult enough in everyday life sometimes, but it can be even trickier when it comes to BDSM dating. Victoria Blisse offers some tips to help you say no and mean it – without breaking kink etiquette.
Being on fetish and BDSM dating sites, apps, and even fetish forums mean that you will probably have gotten a creepy message at some time or another. These messages often demand services and play before you've even gotten to know the person. Dom/mes that assume that because you have submissive tendencies, you're going to submit to just anyone, and subs who think because you're Dominant, you'll dominate them in just the way they want you to.
These messages are often dehumanizing in their demand that you fulfill the writer's fantasy and are – however you look at it – rude. Don't feel the need to hold back when replying to these. As they haven't afforded any kink courtesy to you, why should you extend it to them?
If you don't want to be confrontational, ignoring messages such as these is the best way to go. Otherwise, send a simple 'no' in return. If the person continues to message or you feel the content of the messages received is threatening, then report it to the site/app you're using.
It can be challenging to stand up and say no, but remember you're doing something good for yourself and the person you're responding too. You might even be helping someone more vulnerable than yourself by reporting any concerning behavior..png.cc75d8ff7a8feea44048368b94c71fe8.png)
Negotiating BDSM play
BDSM: saying no
However, sometimes you get asked to play by someone you know and respect, but you still want to refuse. Maybe it's something that you don't want to try, and perhaps the person isn't someone you want to play with. It doesn't matter why; if you don't want to enter a scene with another person, you should always be able to say no. It's an essential part of consent.
Politely saying no is easier than you think. The key is to keep your rebuttal impersonal and not accusatory or judgmental. Be as honest as you can in your response. If you know you'll never be interested in playing with the person asking – let them know. You can say you don't feel like you're compatible play partners, but if you don't make it clear, they may keep asking for play, putting you both in an awkward situation.
“It doesn't matter why; if you don't want to enter a scene with another person, you should always be able to say no. It's an essential part of consent.”
It's always best to say no in a situation you're unsure of. If you're not 100% sure you want to proceed, say no and have an honest conversation with the partner(s) you're with. If you feel that you have to do something to satisfy your Dom/top that you don't want to do, then analyze why. By not telling them your true feelings, you deceive yourself and your partner. BDSM relationships need this honesty to thrive.
The same goes for tops. If you don't want to indulge in a particular type of play, it is much better to say no and deal with the consequences of that than dealing with the effects of a scene gone wrong.
BDSM dating and accepting rejection
While it's never pleasant to be told no, there are ways to lessen the blow of rejection.
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Remember that consent works many ways That person saying no is exercising their right to consent. You wouldn't want to force them into doing something they don't want.
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'No' is not the end of the world Just because one person rejects you or your idea for play doesn't mean everyone will. Also, sometimes the rejection is for one particular thing; it's essential to have an honest conversation because you might find that the person is interested in play but not the specific act you are suggesting.
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Take time to digest It's crucial to be honest here too. Tell the person how you're feeling, but don't set out to make them feel bad. Telling them you're a little upset is OK, ranting and raving that they're cruel and evil isn't. Treat that person as you would like to be treated. We've all said no to someone at some time or another. Remember how it feels and consider that.
'No' is a mighty word. Learning how to use it constructively and accept it respectfully will help you in your BDSM journey. •
Victoria Blisse is an erotic author, a sex-positive Reverend and part of Smut.UK who arranges events for curious and kinky people with a literary bent.
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Images: dreamstime.com/Maksim Shmeljov, shutterstock/Mirko Macari
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