BDSM Dating | How to Say No and the Art of Handling Rejection

For such a short word, 'no' can be hard to say and harder still to hear. It’s difficult enough in everyday life sometimes, but it can be even trickier when it comes to BDSM dating. Have you ever been approached for play and agreed simply because you felt you had to? Have you been told ‘no’ and had your confidence knocked? This guide by Victoria Blisse will help you say no and mean it without breaking kink etiquette as well as learning to take rejection with a smile 

Saying No

Being on fetish dating sites, apps and even fetish forums means that at some time or another you will have gotten a creepy message. These messages often demand services and play before you’ve even gotten to know the person. Doms that assume that because you have submissive tendencies, you’re going to submit to just anyone and subs who think because you’re dominant you will dominate them in just the way they want you to.

These messages are often dehumanising in their demand that you fulfil the fantasy of the writer and are; however you look at it, simply rude. Don’t feel the need to hold back when replying to these. As they haven’t afforded any kink courtesy to you, why should you extend it to them? If you don’t want to be confrontational, ignoring messages such as these is the best way to go. Otherwise, send a simple no in return. If the person continues to message you or you feel the content of the messages received is threatening, then report it to the site/app you are using.

It can be difficult to stand up and say no but remember you’re doing something good for yourself and for the person you’re responding too. You might even be helping someone more vulnerable than yourself too by reporting any concerning behaviour.

However, sometimes you get asked to play by someone you know and respect, but you still want to refuse. Maybe it’s something that you don’t want to try, and perhaps the person just isn’t someone you want to play with. It doesn’t matter why, if you don’t want to enter a scene with another person you should always be able to say no. It’s an essential part of consent.

Saying no politely is easier than you think. The key is to keep your rebuttal impersonal and not accusatory or judgemental.
 
For example:
“I’m sorry, that isn’t something I’m interested in.” 
Is easier to digest than:
“Ew, I don’t do that, you perv!”
 
Be as honest as you can in your response. If you know you’ll never be interested in playing with the person asking - let them know. You can just say you don’t feel like you’re compatible play partners, but if you don’t make it clear they may keep asking for play, putting you both in an awkward situation.

It is always best to say no in a situation you are unsure of.  If you’re not 100% sure you want to proceed, say no and have an honest conversation with the partner(s) you are with. If you feel that you have to do something to satisfy your Dom/Top that you don’t want to do then analyse why. You're being deceptive to yourself and your partner by not telling them your true feelings. BDSM relationships really need the honesty to thrive.

The same goes for Tops. If you don’t want to indulge in a particular type of play, it is much better to say no and deal with the consequences of that than dealing with the consequences of a scene gone wrong.
 

Accepting Rejection

 It is never nice to be told 'no' but there are ways to lessen the blow of rejection.

• Remember that consent goes all ways
  That person saying no is exercising their right to consent. You wouldn’t want to force them into doing something they don’t want.
   
• No is not the end of the world
  Just because one person rejects you or your idea for play doesn’t mean everyone will. Also sometimes the rejection is for one particular thing, it is essential to have an honest conversation because you might find that the person is interested in play but not that specific act. 
   
• Take time to digest
  It’s crucial to be honest here too. Tell the person how you’re feeling but don’t set out to make them feel bad about it. Telling them you’re a little upset is okay, ranting and raving that they are cruel and evil isn’t. Treat that person as you would like to be treated. We’ve all said no to someone at some time or another. Remember how it feels and take that into consideration.

No is a mighty word. Learning how to use it constructively and accept it respectfully will help you in your BDSM journey.