Being on fetish dating sites, apps and even fetish forums means that at some time or another you will have gotten a creepy message. These messages often demand services and play before you’ve even gotten to know the person. Doms that assume that because you have submissive tendencies, you’re going to submit to just anyone and subs who think because you’re dominant you will dominate them in just the way they want you to.
These messages are often dehumanising in their demand that you fulfil the fantasy of the writer and are; however you look at it, simply rude. Don’t feel the need to hold back when replying to these. As they haven’t afforded any kink courtesy to you, why should you extend it to them? If you don’t want to be confrontational, ignoring messages such as these is the best way to go. Otherwise, send a simple no in return. If the person continues to message you or you feel the content of the messages received is threatening, then report it to the site/app you are using.
It can be difficult to stand up and say no but remember you’re doing something good for yourself and for the person you’re responding too. You might even be helping someone more vulnerable than yourself too by reporting any concerning behaviour.
However, sometimes you get asked to play by someone you know and respect, but you still want to refuse. Maybe it’s something that you don’t want to try, and perhaps the person just isn’t someone you want to play with. It doesn’t matter why, if you don’t want to enter a scene with another person you should always be able to say no. It’s an essential part of consent.
Saying no politely is easier than you think. The key is to keep your rebuttal impersonal and not accusatory or judgemental.
For example:
“I’m sorry, that isn’t something I’m interested in.”
Is easier to digest than:
“Ew, I don’t do that, you perv!”
Be as honest as you can in your response. If you know you’ll never be interested in playing with the person asking - let them know. You can just say you don’t feel like you’re compatible play partners, but if you don’t make it clear they may keep asking for play, putting you both in an awkward situation.
It is always best to say no in a situation you are unsure of. If you’re not 100% sure you want to proceed, say no and have an honest conversation with the partner(s) you are with. If you feel that you have to do something to satisfy your Dom/Top that you don’t want to do then analyse why. You're being deceptive to yourself and your partner by not telling them your true feelings. BDSM relationships really need the honesty to thrive.
The same goes for Tops. If you don’t want to indulge in a particular type of play, it is much better to say no and deal with the consequences of that than dealing with the consequences of a scene gone wrong.
It is never nice to be told 'no' but there are ways to lessen the blow of rejection.
No is a mighty word. Learning how to use it constructively and accept it respectfully will help you in your BDSM journey.
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