You're entering the wonderful world of BDSM relationships for the first time. Hurrah! But how do you create a successful dynamic in that relationship, asks Abi Brown.
 

What do we mean by a ‘dynamic’ in BDSM relationships?

For the purposes of this guide, I’m using ‘dynamic’ to refer to the way that people in kinky BDSM relationships relate to each other. Dominant/submissive can be used as an umbrella term - not least because it’s pleasingly and inherently gender-neutral - but there are plenty of specific kinds of kink dynamic. Master/slave, owner/pet and caregiver/little are all common types. And really there are as many BDSM dynamics as there are BDSM relationships.

Bear in mind that you don’t have to pick one of these roles and stick to it. Indeed, in my experience, the overwhelming majority of kinky relationships develop a dynamic totally unique to them. One that blends elements of lots of dynamic types together to become something ideal for both people.
 

Consider your terms of address

Deciding what to call each other in BDSM relationships is an important part of establishing the kind of dynamic you’re going to have. If you’re happier using each other’s names, do that. It’s worth a bit of discussion, though, because this is certainly an easy way to start getting a dynamic going.

Some styles and subcultures have names that are specifically appropriate to them. For example, the Daddy/Mama in an ageplay or CG/l relationship. Other people have titles they specifically like using. If you’d like some ideas, here’s an excellent list with plenty of options for people of a variety of gender identities.
 

Who's your Daddy?

Remember, though, that terms of address in BDSM relatiuonships aren’t just for a dominant partner. What the dom calls their sub is just as important. Many will have particular names that help put their submissive partners into a particular subspace. This is a great way to build headspaces and is a huge component of a lot of psychological BDSM. A session in which your dom is calling you ‘whore’ or ‘fuckdoll’ will feel very different to one where you’re being referred to as ‘baby’ or ‘sweetheart’, though both can be equally submissive places to go.
 

Work together on a list of rules to follow

Not everyone wants their BDSM relationships dynamics to spread out into the rest of their lives. But for those of us who enjoy maintaining a kinky structure outside the bedroom as well as inside it a set of rules for the sub to follow at all times is a great way to start.

Don’t fall into the trap of setting too many, though. Start with one to three. This should give you a solid foundation you can build on a few months in if you feel the need to. There are plenty of lists and guides online that can give you new rule ideas. But as with all things in BDSM, this is a two-way street. The rules you set need to work for both parties in BDSM relationships. You both need to be clear that they can be changed and developed as time goes by depending on what works best.

 

Image of a with their legs bound as part of play in BDSM relationships

Bound and braced for that new dynamic...



Share the dynamics in your BDSM relationships with the wider community

If you like the idea of taking your dynamic out and about, it can be a beautiful way to develop and enhance that dynamic. Once other people can see what you’re doing, it suddenly becomes that much more real. You’re no longer in your own private little bubble. Moreover, the roles you and your partner take on when you’re alone can be beautifully solidified with a little public display.

That display shouldn’t be too public, of course. Bystander consent is important. It’s vital that everyone involved in what you’re doing - including people who aren’t directly involved in what you’re doing - is entirely happy with what’s going on. The easiest way to achieve this is to look into play parties, fetish clubs and kink events.
 

All BDSM dynamics are a work in progress

If you’re doing it right, your BDSM relationships will continue to change, grow and develop the whole time you’re together. You’ll have periods of an intense BDSM dynamic and periods where things are a little calmer. You’ll have times when you’re very invested in certain established roles and other times when you’re avidly exploring new ones. Don’t let your dynamic or your relationship start to stale.

Brand new dynamics often have the most fire to them. They can seem the most passionate, the most intense. But they’re usually pretty shallow when you really get down to it. I love casual sex - including casual kinky sex - but for a rich dynamic with a lot of depth, you can’t beat ongoing BDSM relationships.
 

Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to sexual deviancy, far-left politics and wearing too much jewellery. Find her at her website or @see_abi_write.

 

Are you looking for that perfect dynamic in BDSM relationships? Find it by joining Fetish.com for free. 

 

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