If you're new to the wonderful world of BDSM and scratching your head about what the term 'BDSM dynamics' mean - or wondering how to go about creating successful BDSM relationships, Abi Brown shines a light...
 

What do we mean by a ‘dynamic’ in BDSM relationships?

For this guide, I’m using ‘dynamic’ to refer to the way that people in BDSM relationships relate to each other.  Dominant/submissive can be used as an umbrella term - not least because it's gender-neutral - but there are plenty of specific kinds of BDSM dynamic. Master/slave, owner/pet and caregiver/little are all common types, and there are as many BDSM dynamics as there are BDSM relationships.

Bear in mind that you don’t have to pick one of these roles and stick to it. Indeed, in my experience, the overwhelming majority of BDSM relationships develop a dynamic unique to them. One that blends elements of lots of dynamic types to become something ideal for both people.
 

Terms of address in BDSM relationships

Deciding what to call each other in BDSM relationships is an integral part of establishing the kind of dynamic you’re going to have. If you’re happier using each other’s names, do that. It’s worth a bit of discussion, though, because this is an easy way to getting a dynamic going.

Some styles and subcultures have names that are individually appropriate to them, for example, the Daddy/Mom in an age play or CG/l relationship. Other people have titles they especially like using. If you want some ideas, here’s an excellent list of titles for Doms for those with a variety of gender identities.
 

Who's your Daddy?

Terms of address in BDSM relationships aren’t just for a Dominant partner - what the Dom/me calls their sub is just as important.  Many will have particular names that help put their submissive partners into a specific subspace, which is a great way to build headspaces and is a huge component of a lot of psychological BDSM. A session in which your Dom/me is calling you ‘whore’ or ‘fuckdoll’ will feel very different to one where you’re being referred to as ‘baby’ or ‘sweetheart’, though both can be equally submissive places to go.
 

Work on a list of BDSM dynamic rules to follow

Not everyone wants their BDSM dynamic to spread out into the rest of their lives. But for those of us who enjoy maintaining a kinky structure outside the bedroom as well as inside it, a set of rules for the sub to follow at all times is a great way to start.

Try not to fall into the trap of setting too many, though. Start with one to three, which should then give you a solid foundation that you can build on a few months - if you feel the need.  But as with all things in BDSM, this is a two-way street. The rules you set need to work for both parties in BDSM relationships. You both need to be clear that they can be changed and developed as time goes by depending on what works best.
 

Image of submissive being held by a Dominant in a BDSM relationship
BDSM relationship rules should work for all involved.
 

Sharing your BDSM dynamic with the broader community

If you like the idea of taking your dynamic out and about, it can be a beautiful way to develop and enhance it. Once other people can see what you’re doing, it suddenly becomes that much more real. You’re no longer in your private little bubble. Moreover, the roles you and your partner(s) take on when you’re alone can be beautifully solidified with a bit of public display.

That display shouldn’t be too public, of course. Bystander consent is important. It’s vital that everyone involved in what you’re doing - including people who aren’t directly involved in what you’re doing - is entirely happy with what’s going on. The easiest way to achieve this is to look into play parties, fetish clubs and kink events.
 

BDSM dynamics are a work in progress

If you’re doing it right, your BDSM relationships will continue to change, grow and develop the whole time you’re together. You’ll have periods of an intense BDSM dynamic and periods where things are a little calmer. You’ll also have times when you’re very invested in specific established roles and other times when you’re avidly exploring new ones, but try not to let your dynamic or BDSM relationship go stale.

Brand new BDSM dynamics often have the most fire to them; they can seem the most passionate, the most intense. But they’re usually pretty shallow when you get down to it. I love casual sex - including casual kinky sex - but for a rich dynamic with a lot of depth, you can’t beat ongoing BDSM relationships.
 

Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to sexual deviancy. Find Abi at @see_abi_write.

 

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Images by dracoexboreas via Flickr Creative Commons

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MSJEWELZ

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This is a great starter forum for beginners. 

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