Some people think that a full-time D/s relationship is forever and ever, amen. “No more asking, we know the drill, and we certainly don’t need all that fuss about consent.” Truth time: successful 24/7 relationships require MORE intense engagement in consent, not less.  Award-winning performer, sex activist and educator Cameryn Moore explains why.

 

Keeping consent strong 

When every moment, every conversation, every touch has the potential to be charged with power give-and-take, then lapsing into default mode means that you are possibly letting mistakes, miscommunications, and resentments build up. You’re also missing out on a chance to build even stronger bonds, which will be all the stronger for paying attention.

For our purposes, 24/7 relationships are those where the power dynamic extends significantly-to-completely outside of the bedroom. In such a relationship, both parties have roles that they occupy even while sex or kink play is not explicitly on the table, and those roles may determine actions and words, even when the couple is out in public. 

When this is the style of relationship you are in or want to explore, it’s understandable to want to just go with the flow. But with a little bit of active thought and strategising, you can take care of consent matters AND still keep the magic going!


Get creative with consent 

It helps if you get creative in checking out consent within your dynamic. For example, if you are in an age-play style relationship, then the concerned adult can frame a day-to-day conversation in an age-appropriate way, about, say, where you’re going to eat or how to keep track of household chores. You can also find nicknames that can be comfortably spoken out in public that will remind you who you are to each other.

Make time and space outside of the dynamic. My partner and I call it “the game,” even though it feels only sometimes like a game. Other people call it “the zone” or “play space.” Whatever you call it, I recommend that you take time to step out of it and talk as equals, whether it’s once a year when you renew your collaring, or every month as a matter of emotional housekeeping.

Develop a code word to signal that you want to be in that space; for example, in private I call my partner by his name ONLY when I want to signify that I need to say something outside “the game” (I think I’ve maybe used it three times in the last year). This is especially important when you are renegotiating your arrangement or adding in more profound/more extreme elements. Do it when you are out of “the zone,” NOT when the sub in the relationship is up to their ears in subby headspace.

Subspace for me is almost like being stoned, and nothing one agrees to in that condition should be binding in any way. It all sounds good because your lord and master is saying it and your butt is still buzzing from being spanked, but 12 hours later when the tingling wears off, you might think differently.

BDSM couple d/s relationship
Taking care of consent matters can help keep the magic going...


Consensual non-consent 

If you’ve got something in place like “consensual non-consent”, and you are trying something new, make time soon after the experiment for debriefing, even if the submissive in your dynamic didn’t express any problems. Especially if this is in public, we are all socialised to want to avoid making scenes.

Proceed with caution: when you add extra layers of power imbalance, restriction, and/or control on top of seriously everyday things like eating habits, money, or friends/social life. Any metric of kink safety such as Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC) includes psychological considerations as well, and when you give your partner control over things that you do out in the “real world,” you’re putting control of your life in their hands. 

Although this can be fine and hot and amazing, these restrictions also appear on lists of red flags for abuse, and for a good reason, so discuss these mundane activities while you are not “in the zone.”
 

A word about safe words

Some people operate without safe words, but I don’t recommend it, not starting out. Even if you're fully 24/7, with no work, no children, and no other responsibilities other than obeying your dom(me), what if… what if you're in dangerous pain and your top is too into what they’re doing to you to catch that your moaning suddenly sounds different? What if your bottom has complex PTSD and can feel a trigger moment approaching right in the middle of a scene? You need a signal system in place to help you out.

Take the time to communicate and create structures that support your 24/7 dynamic in a safe, sexy, and mutually beneficial way. It is possible if you put your mind to it, and your relationship deserves the very best.

Liked Cameryn's article?  Want to share your consent experiences? Share in our busy BDSM forum. If you're new here, try Fetish.com for free.
 
 
Join the discussion in the Fetish.com BDSM forum

 


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