Is it possible to have two very well-established and ongoing non-monogamous BDSM relationships simultaneously? Abi Brown is living the dream. She explains how it works.
 

The Dynamics of non-monogamous BDSM relationships

It’s sort of happened before, of course. I am given to neither monogamy nor vanilla; it was inevitable. It’s always been a little more vague than this. At least one of them is someone I don’t see very often, or the kink is very much bedroom-only, or my dynamic with one of them is super variable, or whatever. But now all of a sudden here I am. I have two Doms, both of whom I see frequently. Both of whom have given me rules, and with both of whom, a specific and quite heavy dynamic is well-established and consistent.
 

Keeping separate sex lies Separate in non-monogamous BDSM relationships

A lot of BDSM is essentially about mind games. Both of my present dynamics involve a concept of ‘ownership’ - albeit in different ways - and that takes some figuring out. ow can you belong to two people at once?

One answer to this, of course, is ‘roleplay’. You’re not actually anyone’s possession/pet/slave/whatever, of course, right? For me, though, I find that this breaks the doublethink I need to feel like what we’re doing is real. Also, that sensation of reality is extremely important to me as a submissive.

Then there’s the fact that some very common kinky practices spill outside of the time you’re spending directly with that person. Orgasm control and denial are so common as to be almost ubiquitous. Whether you need to ask permission to come or sometimes have your orgasm privileges revoked as a punishment- this comes up in more BDSM relationships than it is absent from.

So how can you keep that consistent when there might be two (or more!) people wanting some control over that aspect of your life? The best way I’ve found of resolving these problems - and the others like them - is simple: word your rules carefully. Keep your separate sex lives as separate as you can, unless there’s some explicit group-sex-related reason to think about how to combine them.
 

Names in non-monogamous BDSM relationships

Give some thought to what you call your Dominants in non-monogamous BDSM relationships. Many BDSM relationships involve some kind of title or honorific. In my personal experience, the most common are ‘Sir’ and ‘Ma’am’, but there are plenty of others. Master and Mistress come up a lot, too, and plenty of people like more specific things like Lord or Lady or Goddess or Boss. Certain kinks come along with their own, like the use of Daddy or Mamma or some similar name in this context.

I seem to have a very strong preference for not ‘doubling up’ on those names. I have plenty of exes I’ve called Sir or Ma’am in the past. For me, I really only want to have one person using that name at a time. For my two current Dominants, I use two different names. These names reflect the kind of relationship I have with them and the nature of our respective dynamics.
 

Making D/S work alongside their other relationships

Of course, you’re probably not the only person in these non-monogamous BDSM relationships who have other partners to think about. Neither of my Doms is actually my primary partner. I choose not to have one of those, or at least not right now. One of them has a primary partner of their own, while the other currently doesn’t - but I’m sure will again at some point in the not too distant future.

One of my personal hobby horses is how to be a good secondary partner in a polyamorous relationship that follows the primary/secondary model, as mine seem to tend to. A lot of that stuff goes double when there’s kink involved. It’s easy (and healthy!) to get incredibly attached to someone you have an intense dynamic with. So you’re going to need to be very aware of where your own feelings are at and how well you’re treating the other people on the periphery of your non-monogamous BDSM relationships.
 

What happens when there's a new relationship?

Then, of course, there’s NRE. Things change when people get into new relationships, and if there’s a chance that one of your partners might soon take up with someone new you need to be ready for them to be a little more distant while they have the ‘honeymoon phase’. Compersion is a useful thing to cultivate here!

The trick to all of these things is the same, though: communication. Keep in touch with your partner, both about your BDSM dynamic and about the rest of your relationship. Make sure they’re hearing your needs, and make sure you’re listening to theirs.

BDSM and non-monogamy can intersect in amazing ways. I’m having some of the most intense dynamic-exploring sex of my life right now because of these non-monogamous BDSM relationships. Like everything that’s worth it, though, it does take a little figuring out.


Abi Brown is a freelance writer and general pen-for-hire devoted to sexual deviancy, far-left politics and wearing too much jewellery. Find her at her website or @see_abi_write.

What are your experiences of non-monogamous BDSM relationships? Tell us in the Fetish.com forum.

 

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