Many submissives get great pleasure in serving and taking care of their Dominant. It brings them joy and a sense of peace and fulfilment. While that’s a pretty great reason to enjoy doing it, it’s also one of the many slave rules.
When your Dominant tells you when to go to bed, to go for your dreams, to wear that sexy thing that you think makes you look stupid, you are being taken care of in different ways. It’s your job to return the favour. If you don’t know what you can do, ask. A simple, “How can I serve you?” or “What can I do to help?” can go a long way.
In my relationship, taking care of my Dom takes on many forms. I make sure he has a good lunch to take to work every day. I cook his favourite meals because it makes him happy. I tell him when I think he needs to go to the doctor or dentist. Of course, he’s always free to do what he wants, but I speak up in the name of taking care of him.
It’s easy to assume Dominants are mind-readers. Many of them are great at watching and learning people, and in long-term relationships (sexual or not), a Dominant sometimes knows their submissive better than we know ourselves. Even so, they can’t read your mind. You have a responsibility to speak up when something is wrong - illness, discomfort, fear, whatever it is.
Don’t fall back on old habits from bad pre-kink relationships of thinking, “They should have known.” D/s and kink don’t work that way. You may have given your Dominant decision-making power, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t obligated to speak up - good or bad.
Hate a specific kink? Say something. Did your feelings get hurt over a missed phone call or unanswered question? Talk about it. Word to the wise: don’t whine, bitch, or go on the attack. Be the adult you are, set aside time to speak, and communicate with respect.
The keyword to one of our submissive responsibilities is right in the name. We submit. This means we agree to let our Dominant have a certain amount of control over our actions and bodies. Every partnership and couple are different, of course. I’m in a 24/7 relationship, and minus a few key things related to parenting and housework, my Dominant gets the deciding vote on everything we do. We have established these slave rules.
It’s one thing to use a safeword because you’re in pain, fear for your safety, or are in true distress. But it’s another thing entirely to refuse to do something you’ve agreed to do. Moreover, you're breaking slave rules if you lie to your Dominant about whether you’ve done something or not, or threaten to end a relationship when you don’t get what you want.
Now, you're free to withdraw your consent at any time - you're free to say, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” But can you call yourself a submissive when you won’t do the things you’ve said you would do, or when you refuse to serve and submit to whatever you’ve negotiated between you and your Dominant? I don’t think so - at least not in that particular relationship.
Submit to slave rules.
If your role as a submissive isn’t working for you, you have a responsibility to say something to your Dominant. Sure, you both may walk away from that conversation in pain and out of the relationship. But you may also be able to find a new dynamic or balance to your current relationship. When you go through the motions, and your heart isn’t in being the little “s” to their big “D,” it will always be noticed eventually.
Take responsibility for yourself and for the feelings (love, respect, whatever) you have for your Dominant. Additionally, discuss your wants and needs as they continue to grow and change. The relationship you begin one day can and will change drastically over the course of a few months and years. The slave rules will also change. This goes back to your Dominant not reading minds. If you want more or less, you have to say something.
There are rare moments when all decisions and responsibilities are removed for a very short time. My job is to endure what he gives me - and while it’s sometimes painful (I am a masochist), it’s pleasurable, too. Those moments are brief and fleeting. The vast majority of the time, I have as much responsibility in this relationship as he does, even though they take vastly different forms.
Images: model released from Shutterstock.com
Ever feel down when looking at fetish images of slim models wrapped in beautiful shibari rope work? Does seeing promotional pictures of busty, curvy
We're all about inclusion, so we wanted to take time to answer some of your questions about sexuality, disability & BDSM. As there seems to be a
Blackie Quebedeaux is a writer, poet, kinkster, and slave. He's also part of a large gay BDSM leather family and belongs to a house (the House of