A common sentiment about the Dominant in a D/s relationship is the overwhelming responsibility they take on in the relationship. I’m definitely not going to argue that point. My own Daddy Dom takes the care and well-being of his sweet babygirl (that would be me, by the way) very
seriously. But according to the slave rules, we submissives have responsibilities, too, you know.
Sometimes that “care” comes in the form of telling me 'no' more often than he says 'yes'. Much of it is in the tasks, boundaries, and rules he’s set for me. The importance he places on taking care of me is one of the main reasons I’m able to submit to him, to allow him to tell me 'no' when I want something or think I need
Another refrain I hear, typically from the very new and uninitiated submissive is that they’re looking for a Dominant to take care of them. They don't seem to realize that slave rules dictate submissives have responsibilities as well. They want someone to take the reins, exert total control, and free them from the pain, annoyance, or problems of decision-making. Sounds pretty nice, and I wouldn’t mind some of that, either. But the vast majority of solid D/s relationships aren’t about one person giving up all responsibility and the other taking it all. This is real life, and in the real world, submissives have their fair share of responsibility, too.
Slave Rules for Taking Care of Your Dominant
Many submissives (myself included) find great pleasure in serving and taking care of our Dominant
. It brings us joy and a sense of peace and fulfillment. While that’s a pretty great reason to enjoy doing it, it’s also one of our many slave rules. When your Dominant tells you when to go to bed, to go for your dreams, to wear that sexy thing that you think makes you look stupid, you are being taken care of in different ways. It’s your job to return the favor. If you don’t know what you can do, ask. A simple, “How can I serve you?” or “What can I do to help?” can go a long way.
In my relationship, taking care of my Dom takes on many forms. I make sure he has a good lunch to take to work every day. I cook his favorite meals because it makes him happy. I listen when he has a bad day at work and just needs to gripe for a few minutes. I tell him when I think he needs to go to the doctor or dentist. Of course, he’s always free to do what he wants, but I speak up in the name of taking care of him, and because we submissives have responsibilities, too.
Slave Rules for Communicating With Your Dominant
It’s easy to assume Dominants are mind-readers. Many of them are great at watching and learning people, and in long-term relationships (sexual or not), a Dominant sometimes knows their submissive better than we know ourselves. Even so, they can’t read your mind. You have a responsibility to speak up when something is wrong - illness, discomfort, fear, whatever it is.
Don’t fall back on old habits from bad pre-kink relationships of thinking, “They should have known.” D/s and kink don’t work that way. You may have given your Dominant decision-making power, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t obligated to speak up - good or bad. Hate a specific kink? Say something. Did your feelings get hurt over a missed phone call or unanswered question? Talk about it. Word to the wise: don’t whine, bitch, or go on the attack. Be the adult you are, set aside time to speak, and communicate with respect.
Slave Rules for Serving and Submitting
The keyword to one of our submissive responsibilities is right in the name. We submit. This means we agree to let our Dominant have a certain amount of control over our actions and bodies. Every partnership and couple are different, of course. I’m in a 24/7 relationship and minus a few key things related to parenting and housework, my Dominant gets the deciding vote on everything we do. I agreed to that when we entered this phase of our relationship, and I abide by it.
It’s one thing to use a safeword because you’re in pain, fear for your safety, or are in true distress. It’s another thing entirely to refuse to do something you’ve agreed to do, lie to your Dominant about whether you’ve done something or not, or threaten to end a relationship (or yank off a collar and throw it at your Dominant) when you don’t get what you want.
Now, let me be clear - you are free to withdraw your consent at any time. You are free to say, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” But can you call yourself a submissive when you won’t do the things you’ve said you would do, when you refuse to serve and submit to whatever you’ve negotiated between you and your Dominant? I don’t think so - at least not in that particular relationship.
Submissives have responsibilities: Being Honest About Your Needs and Wants
If your role as a submissive isn’t working for you, you have a responsibility to say something to your Dominant. Sure, you both may walk away from that conversation in pain and out of the relationship
. But you may also be able to find a new dynamic or balance to your current relationship. When you go through the motions and your heart isn’t in being the little “s” to their big “D,” it will always be noticed eventually.
Take responsibility for yourself and for the feelings (love, respect, whatever) you have for your Dominant and discuss your wants and needs as they continue to grow and change. The relationship you begin one day can and will change drastically over the course of a few months and years. This goes back to your Dominant not reading minds. If you want more or less, you have
to say something.
There are rare moments when all decisions and responsibilities are removed for a very short time. My job is to endure what he gives me - and while it’s sometimes painful (I am
a masochist), it’s pleasurable, too. Those moments are brief and fleeting. The vast majority of the time, I have as much responsibility in this relationship as he does, even though they take vastly different forms.
Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life. Follow her on her website or on Twitter @Kaylalords.