I was speaking to a good friend of mine about the lifestyle of BDSM and he mentioned that according to what he called the structural view of men, many feminists say that by submitting to a man you chose to submit to the structural view of men as well. He was obviously acting as the devil’s advocate here. We had a discussion discussing the subject. He agreed with me and my points of view but we were talking about submission in BDSM according to feminism, especially radical feminism. It gave me a lot to think about and a train of thought started to manifest in my head.
The first thing that popped into my head was, just because I let one man own me, doesn’t automatically mean that I let any other man own me.
This is one of the things my Daddy tries to tame within me. He teaches me to vent all my opinions that are spinning in my head but in a delicate way. Not in long harangues of insults and personal attacks. I tend to fall back on this due to an extreme temper that makes it hard to control my anger.
With words, I get the chance to think, write, erase, think again, rewrite it and in a nice and slow pace open up my mind, heart and soul. This has obviously improved me as a person. Would you call Mr. B controlling then? Most of you (not all) would say no, he’s helping me. This is the essence of submission, to be owned.
Your owner, Dom or Daddy/Mommy is there to improve, to help, and encourage you. Sometimes when you don’t listen or do the opposite of what was said, it demands discipline. A rage fuck, a slap, getting tied up and left alone, getting whipped or sometimes just a verbal reprimand. This is definitely not for everyone. Just don’t come to me and tell me how to live my life and what I do right or wrong.
This is what works for me, it’s consensual, I want this. I don’t submit because I, as a woman, am the victim of some stereotypical view of men. One where it's ingrained that I was made to please men. I’m made to please one man, and he is made to help me, to love and cherish me.
Everyone does not agree with me, and I don’t ask that from anyone. What I ask for is understanding. Understanding that we are all different. From my point of view, some of the strongest things you can do, is to actively choose submission. To choose that someone else steers your life in the direction he/she thinks is best for you, not for him/her.
It’s not about the dominant person using you for their purposes. The person wants what’s best for you. At the same time as you choose submission, you choose to be property, a tool, but that is a lifestyle choice and can be changed at any time. I like being a piece of property, to be used because it’s not for ”real”. I’m in on it, therefore it’s a dream come true.
A lot of people think that BDSM and fetish are a way for 'certain men' to vent their twisted perversions. In a way that’s kind of a true statement. We all want to vent something forbidden, dark and a lot of the time disgusting. What I'm referring to though, is people who seem to believe that just because you practice, let’s say, M/s. Doesn't mean the man (or the woman) intends to exploit their need for control and tendency towards violence. When everything is consensually agreed upon, it rarely ends up in abusive behaviours, psychopathy, rape, and murder.
In the media, Daddies and Mommies are often portrayed as paedophiles. A lot of people are scared away from this lifestyle due to false impressions and their assumed involvement in the kink scene. But, let me ask a question...
Do you, think that someone who’s playing a violent video game automatically will become a violent person? True, a small number might, but far from everyone. You can’t generalise, ever. To bring current politics into it a bit: Will every Muslim automatically become a terrorist? No, the number is small, who actually do.
Generalisation, stereotypes and oppression manifest in our brains because we are made to divide into groups. We are made to prejudge by survival instinct. But can’t we be better than our instincts? Don’t get me wrong, we should embrace our instinctive feelings and desires, to a certain point. When they start to hurt us or others, that's when we need to step it up a notch and think outside the box.
BDSM and fetishes are not wrong. There will always be singular people who practice wrong, but that doesn’t mean the whole community is doing the same. We are a loving, caring and very friendly group of people that help each other out. We look out for each other and teach each other how to live out our desires and kinks in a safe, sane and consensual healthy way.
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Blackie Quebedeaux is a writer, poet, kinkster, and slave. He's also part of a large gay BDSM leather family and belongs to a house (the House of