Violating consent is terrible, whether it’s done deliberately or by accident. In most cases, though, the consent violators called out are in Dominant roles of a D/s relationship. writer Sienna Saint-Cyr explains how submissives can violate consent too.

Violating consent and double standards in the BDSM world

While most people understand how serious it is for a Dom/Domme to abuse their submissive’s consent, many people overlook and/or flat out dismiss the reverse scenario. At first, I figured it was because most of the submissive violators I’ve known were small, while their counterparts were strong and Dominant. It’s a lot harder for a 130lb person to overcome a 220lb muscle-bulked, super Dominant person. However, the more I spoke with others about subs violating consent, the more I realised that Doms/Dommes are also abused. This is just as dangerous as them violating consent of their subs.

Violating consent is serious

Not recognising the severity of anyone violating consent and boundaries in BDSM is hugely problematic because it means we’re tolerating abusive behaviour. I’ve witnessed several cases where a sub violated the consent of their Dom/Domme. Sometimes this crossing of boundaries is touching the Dom/Domme when they said no. For example: kissing after being told no, refusing to let go during a hug or embrace, and tickling when the person has clearly stated they don’t like it and not to do it. These may not be horrific sounding examples, but they are still instances of violating consent. Moreover, they can destroy a relationship quickly.

Violating consent may not be obvious

The hardest part about these sorts of violations is they aren’t blatantly obvious or sexually abusive. To some, it might feel like a sexual violation, but not all will feel that way. The problem with these types of behaviours is that they send a clear signal to the Dom/Domme saying, “My needs supersede yours.” It shows no regard for the violated person. It also tells the Dom that their feelings aren’t relevant. That they can be stepped on simply because they’re Dominant and can ‘handle it’.

After talking with several Doms about this, I’ve concluded that one of the reasons this is so often dismissed is simply because the Dom/Domme is so, Dominant. Most are confident, in control, and have no problem at all putting a violator in their place. This becomes even easier when the Dom/Domme is much larger and stronger than the sub.

The general thought being: Dominants can take care of themselves. That’s the biggest issue. Just because a Dominant can put a sub in their place, doesn’t mean the submissive’s behaviour is acceptable. Nor does that fact excuse the sub’s behaviour in violating consent of their Dom.

Violating consent is abuse

Subs that deliberately violate consent are abusive. Everyone has the right to be respected. No matter what side of the D/s relationship they’re on. We all have the right to feel safe as well. Understanding that consent is a two-way street and that both parties must adhere to the rules and boundaries laid out before them is vital to the success of any D/s relationship.

What examples do you have of violating consent? Share them in the comments below of on the forum.

Sienna Saint-Cyr writes erotica and blogs about kink, poly, body image, and most things relating. Follow her at or on Twitter @siennasaintcyr.



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