Violating BDSM consent isn't good, whether it's done deliberately or by accident. While in most cases, those called out as consent violators tend to be in Dominant roles, writer Sienna Saint-Cyr explains that submissives can violate consent, too.

 

Violating BDSM consent  

Although most people understand how serious it is for a Dom/me to abuse their submissive's consent, many overlook or dismiss the reverse scenario. At first, I figured it was because most of the submissive violators I've known were small, while their counterparts were strong and Dominant, e.g., it's a lot harder for a 130lb person to overcome a 220lb super Dominant person. However, the more I spoke with others about subs violating BDSM consent, the more I realised that Dom/mes are also abused, which is just as dangerous as Dom/mes violating the consent of their subs.

Not recognising the severity of anyone violating boundaries and BDSM consent is hugely problematic because it means we're tolerating abusive behaviour. I've witnessed several cases where a sub violated the consent of their Dom/me. Sometimes this crossing of boundaries could be touching the Dom/me when they said no. For example:

  • Kissing after being told no.
  • Refusing to let go during a hug or embrace.
  • Tickling when the person has clearly stated they don't like it and not to do it.

While these examples may not be horrific sounding, they still violate consent. Moreover, they have the potential to destroy a relationship quickly.
 

Consent violations may not be obvious

The hardest part about these violations is that they aren't blatantly obvious or sexually abusive. It might feel like a sexual violation to some, but not all will feel that way. But, the problem with these types of behaviours is that they send a clear signal to the Dom/me, saying, "My needs supersede yours." It also tells the Dom/me that their feelings aren't relevant and can be stepped on simply because they're Dominant and can handle it. 

After talking with many Dom/mes on this subject, I've concluded that one of the reasons this is so often dismissed is simply because the Dom/me is so Dominant. Most are confident, in control, and have no problem putting a violator in their place, and it becomes even easier when the Dom/me is larger and stronger than the sub.

The general thought being: Dominants can take care of themselves. That's the biggest issue. Just because a Dominant can put a sub in their place doesn't mean the submissive's behaviour is acceptable. Nor does that fact excuse the sub's behaviour in violating the consent of their Dom/me.
 

Violation of consent in BDSM
Violation of consent in BDSM can come from both Dom and sub.

 

Violating consent in BDSM is abuse

Subs that deliberately neglect consent in BDSM are abusive. Everyone has the right to be respected no matter what side of the D/s relationship they're on. We all have the right to feel safe, as well. Understanding that consent is a two-way street and that both parties must adhere to the rules and boundaries laid out before them is vital to the success of any D/s relationship.

 

Sienna Saint-Cyr writes erotica and blogs about kink, poly, body image, and most things relating. 


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Megan-3228

Posted

This is why discussion needs to be held first and foremost of where limits come in. But both the Dom and sub need to respect the other's limits. Breaking consent does sometimes happen even though that is the most important thing when considering a D/s relationship.

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lolli-leigh

Posted

Any sub that violates consent is wrong. As a brat I see why many feel that brats are more likely to violate consent. However any true brat sub would be distraught at the thought of hurting their Ds. Of the brats I know and from my own experience, we hate it when we let our Ds down and feel it deeply.

In regards to consent, this is why it is so important that we get to know each other before play. Development of that bond builds openness and security to explore what we feel comfortable with. When you don't know someone you are more likely to agree to stuff for fear of rejection.
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so****

Posted

I think many people may confuse some of the behavior described here with severe bratting. It's my opinion that whereas intense bratting does in fact include some of this kind of behavior, downright disrespecting a Dom's consent is a whole other thing entirely. However, its probably something we've all dealt with at least once, unfortunately. The experience level of the sub in question probably has a lot to do with it. Idk. & A lot of the super hard Dom types are probably too arrogant & overconfident to even acknowledge it's happening lol that also probably adds to it. But this article is correct: consent should always be respected. & Ive found that the BDSM community is much more respectful of consent than the vanilla world. A lot of people incorrectly think that the BDSM world is full of abusive assholes lol it's actually the opposite. It's the vanilla world that's so messed up.
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Cheekysub247

Posted

Whats the views on just breaking the rules vs consent violations? Kinda wheres the line?

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Posted

It's always a balancing act between your own desires and that of your partner in crime... And talking, to know each other's desire, and how you wil act on violation of concent, the use of stopwords, helps. And punishment may well be the desired outcome for the sub as for the dom.

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Posted

This is very important!!! So many ways people are abused in this lifestyle and it’s overlooked. I hate it.

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Ni****

Posted

@ knightmasterm very well said very true

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Ki****

Posted

Unfortunately, I feel a lot of people who do this refer to it as being bratty. It's wrong to violate consent, and has the added problem of making Doms less likely to trust anyone who refers to themselves as a brat

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PeggyBundy

Posted

Yes they truly do!

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Posted

I am a Dom and not that keen on Brat play as the submissive like that can take liberties and abuse the Dom/Sub relationship. I do not like my subs swearing or insulting me just because they are brats. It is important to have respect on both sides or the dynamic and I do think brats do tend to abuse the contract more than other subs. I love Punishing a brat but I do not like them constantly doing it to deliberately rile and bait their Dom as I do not see that as submission but manipulation and disrespectful.

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Posted

Agreed. The importance of SSC go both ways. What’s the saying…”it takes two to tango” 🙂. That’s why it’s so important to talk first, establish a relationship, understand likes/dislike, hard/soft limits. Establishing boundaries first will help ensure fun is had by all. If either goes astray, there must be clear communication from both sides to make it known. There is such thing as topping from the bottom. Communicate, communicate, communicate in a space before entering the D/s dynamic to avoid the unfortunate situation described in this article.

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cautiousswitch

Posted

Reading some profiles, I suspect that some people believe that brat play is an excuse to violate consent.  

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