A quick search online to learn about BDSM, kink, or D/s, and you’ll quickly find people who will tell you how “real” kink should be done. What it means to be a kinkster, what you should do, and what you shouldn’t do. Before you find yourself questioning your legitimacy as someone who enjoys fetish or D/s, let me clear up a few myths about kinky sex.

There are very few rules to BDSM & kink:


Play safe.


Get consent.


Communicate.


Ta-da! That’s about it. Everything else comes down to personal preference and style and what works best for you and your partner. Anyone who tells you what “real” D/s or BDSM is supposed to be is simply telling you what’s real for them.

Let’s bust the top myths about kinky sex and relationships.


Myth 1: There’s no sex in BDSM.


Pardon me while I fall on the flooring, laughing and snorting. But I have to be careful because I’ve got a bruise from the kinky sex I had last night. If you don’t want to a sexual element to your kinky play, don’t have sex. If you find that it turns you on sexually, and you and your partner are willing, have All The Kinky Sex. I’ve been fucked while wearing a rope harness and I’ve been spanked until I cried with no sex at the end. Sex is like kink: play safe, get consent, and communicate. Fuck or don’t fuck in your kinky play, either one is okay.

Myth 2: If you’re into the BDSM lifestyle, you have to have kinky sex.


This is just the reverse of the last one, and it’s equally false. There are plenty of people who love to be bound with rope, flogged, or serve a Dominant or top without having kinky sex. In a club or dungeon, two kinksters will often negotiate a scene, and while (hopefully) both of them leave with a sense of satisfaction, the scene likely didn’t end with kinky sex between them - then or later. They may simply be friends with no sexual relation or near-strangers that wanted to play. Sex isn’t an automatic.

Myth 3: Online Dominance and submission isn’t real.


kinky sexIs playing with a Dom or sub online the same as the live and in-person? Of course not. Can two people forge a real bond through their internet connection? Absolutely. All that’s required are two people willing to do what they say they will, be consistent, and keep an open mind. Which isn’t that much different than in-person D/s. Is it always real when it’s online? Sadly, no. Too many posers and idiots are out there trying to get a quick thrill at the expense of a real person’s feelings. But can it be real? Yes, as long as both people work for it and believe in it.

Myth 4: You can’t be kinky if you have kids.


Uhhhhh, yes you can. Who’s got two kinky thumbs and two kids? This girl right here. Hiding your kink already happens - we hide from our families, coworkers, and random strangers at Starbucks. Hiding it from our kids might take a little extra effort but it’s not much different than hiding it from everyone else. Bonus: Instead of telling your kids you’re “wrestling” if they catch you having sex, your lie will probably need to be much more creative. “We were playing cops and robbers, kids!” “Don’t tell anyone, but mom’s a superhero!”

Myth 5: D/s is only for loving, sexual relationships.


We’re back to sex again. Are we all sex-obsessed? (Probably.) While existing relationships may dip their toes into the D/s waters and discover they’ll never go vanilla again, plenty of kinksters set up D/s relationships with friends that have nothing to do with sex. A gay submissive chooses a woman as his Master. A poly (and married) woman chooses her best friend as her submissive. A submissive hires a Pro-Domme and establishes a long-term agreement. D/s happens in every stripe and color and not all of it ends with a marriage proposal or even sex.

There are more myths about kink out there, what isn’t, what submissives should do, and what Dominants will do. When anyone tries to tell you what is or is not BDSM and kink, ask yourself: is it about safety, communication, or consent? If not, you’re hearing about their version of kink which may look nothing like your version.

 

Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life. Follow her on her website or on Twitter @Kaylalords.

 

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