What drives a man to submit to a dominatrix in a BDSM scenario? Fetish.com writer Caitlin explores the dom woman and her sub man.
 

This article was originally posted on 23 April 2015 and was updated on 6 December 2017.

It’s a typical cliché when talking about femdom. The high-powered male CEO or politician visits a dominatrix under cover of darkness. Many dominas will tell you that these kinds of clients visit them to escape. These visitors are always in a position of power, and it's taxing. Giving in to submission is a welcome break for having to be constantly in charge. But there's little more to it than just that.
 

A powerful exercise in sexuality

Our kinks and fetishes have a lot to do with the taboo. The unreachable. Exerting control over something you don’t have control over, and an escape from reality; this is why you see people terrified of needles getting pierced; why you see people wearing things in private that they feel they cannot wear in public or their everyday life. Other times, they explore scenarios outside of reality. Fetish can be a powerful therapeutic exercise - sexuality is intrinsically linked with who we are, all of our quirks. It has potential as an incredibly efficient way to explore the deeper recesses of ourselves.
 

The male sub and the dominatrix

So consider this particular dynamic: the male sub and the dominatrix. Though of course, not every situation is the same, there are some common themes for people interested in, as someone who is assigned male at birth, being dominated by a feminine force.


Male submissive bound with rope
When finding the time to escape through submission, they relinquish all of that authority to the person dominating them.


Breaking free from 'masculinity'

To understand the phenomenon of people wanting to be dominated by women, we need to appreciate that sexism is just as restrictive for men. They are certainly privileged. However, society often traps men into a narrow definition of what masculinity is. Everyone benefits from stepping outside of the limited confines of their gender every now and again, and sex can often be the most accessible and practical way to do that in a private environment. Many people who visit doms of all kinds are exploring aspects of themselves that they hide even from those they are closest to. They fear shame and societal pressure around their sexuality.
 

The allure of being dominated

With the CEO or politician - their days consist of being in charge of every detail. They're perpetually composed as they make tough decisions and ensure that a variety of things run smoothly. It’s a huge responsibility and stress. When they finally find time to escape through submission, they relinquish all of that authority to the person dominating them. They can step out of that role, even for a little while. These people no longer need to be perfectly put together. They don’t need to be making all the decisions or telling people what to do. The switch to being told what to do can be incredibly relaxing - it allows your brain to turn off as you perform the assigned tasks.

 

Visiting a dominatrix

Attending a dominatrix as a male is a potent experience. It’s saying, 'I am abandoning my power to this woman and doing her bidding.' Whether that’s licking her boots, scrubbing the floor while wearing a maid’s dress, or being flogged. Many male subs ask for punishment in this way because of their privilege. It's a kind of penance, perhaps an attempt to make amends for every time they exhibited sexist behaviour or benefited just from having been born male.
 

Sexuality and society

Because the idea that ‘men are tops and women are bottoms’ is so heavily ingrained in our concepts of sexuality and social structure, it is incredibly powerful when you play with those structures. If it’s something you’ve never considered before or want to know how to go about, there are a ton of resources and erotic material online.


Caitlin is a writer, sex educator, consultant, and product reviewer who focuses primarily on issues of sex toy and accessory safety, pleasure, sexuality, gender, and more. 

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[…] is the idea that you have to be in perfect control at all times. After all, the whole idea is that control is sexy, right? But not all of us are naturally gifted that way. That’s why a lot of us have this dread in […]

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