Most people who have been knocking around the community for a while will have met a Big Hard Dom. There are a few archetypes. There’s the relatively inexperienced young man in his early twenties who wears a nasty-looking whip hooked to his belt. He is also incredibly keen to tell you his BDSM anecdotes without ever once seeming to consider how those subs felt, for example.
But they’re not all young. Another common model of the Big Hard Dom is the middle-aged pillar of the local kink community. He will proudly boast at munches about his consideration collars and the beneficent way he fixes the lives of the much younger women he deigns to play with.
You can spot a Big Hard Dom out in the wild pretty easily. They get their submissives to capitalize pronouns that refer to them in writing. They insist on being introduced as ‘Master So-and-So’ to anyone who asks their name. Additionally, they never really talk about what their partners' wants and needs are. It’s generally all about the pain they want to inflict. The Big Hard Dom is almost always male. Almost always dressed in black leather. And almost always in it for themselves.
There are a few stories of negative experiences in fetish clubs and kink spaces that seem to come up again and again. This type of male domination assumes that a female sub’s is the Big Hard Dom's right. Rather than something that is given to them, which is often the cause of these problems. People who don’t consider the nuances of consent. Or who push at someone’s limits right from the off with no negotiation.
Sometimes, a Big Hard Dom is missing stairs: people are aware that he is a problem. But have become so used to coping with it, they’ve started making excuses for him.
Even when they’re not missing stairs, Big Hard Doms can be irritating and troublesome. They can put new people off becoming more involved in the community. Moreover, these male domination fakes can lead inexperienced subs, who don’t know how to spot them, into dangerous or damaging situations.
It would be disingenuous to suggest that only new submissives fall prey to their charms. My most major Big Hard Dom experience was some five years after I first turned up on the scene. It lasted for a surprisingly large number of months before I came to my senses.
We’re not always in a position to just throw people out on their ear. Not all BHDs deserve to be discarded, either. But two most important things we can always do are:
Most BHDs aren’t dangerous. Your average 21-year-old with a bullwhip and an over-inflated sense of his own importance and male domination will grow out of it before ere long. Frankly, the best thing you can do about him is to laugh a bit at how ridiculous he looks. Then wait for him to mature a little. It’s worth keeping an eye on examples of the genre in general. For the good of your local community and for the other people in it.
If an uncomfortable number of the things I’ve touched on here ring true for you: I’d like to both thank and congratulate you. No, really. The fact that you’ve spotted it. That you have a strong enough sense of self-awareness to let this post hit home is a sure sign that you’re actually, at heart, a decent person.
The best advice I can give you is this: listen. Listen to yourself, and to the people you’re playing with. Do you really want to sleep with people who can take superhumanly intense beatings without complaint and never forget to capitalise Your trousers in writing? Or have you just got swept up in a whole bunch of stuff from books and porn clips? Have real, honest conversations with your partners about their fantasies. About what they want to get out of a BDSM relationship. Try to put their needs first while you’re playing, even if that’s not how it looks from their perspective.
You might be surprised by what happens next.
What are your experiences of Big Hard Doms? Tell us how you cut them down to size by commenting below or in the Fetish.com forum.
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