Being outed as kinky is something that many kinky folks fear. Even though I’m public about my lifestyle, I still find the idea that certain specific people might learn the truth to be somewhat terrifying. Whether it’s an employer, a family member, or the librarian, having people that you didn’t anticipate knowing about your very private lifestyle isn’t easy and often requires some finesse in how you go about dealing with it.

being outed as kinky


Above all, stay calm.


outed as kinkyIf someone learns of your secret, the worst thing you can do is panic. I was recently at a school event for my son. It’s primary school, which makes this all the more hilarious and horrifying. I was chatting with the head of the PTA and I noticed she was wearing a small vibrator on a chain around her neck. Such vibrators are supposed to look like necklaces, but for someone that knows what they are, there’s no guesswork needed. The moment I realized what it was (and what she was), I smiled. And blushed. I blew it off like it was no big deal. I hadn’t been the one outed and so as not to draw more attention to it, I changed the subject.

It wasn’t until she asked me why I don’t attend the PTA meetings that things got awkward. The PTA meetings take place in the same diner that the local BDSM Munches do.
While many of the school staff know I write ‘adult’ topics, I’ve also refused to give my pen name and they are hard-pressed to find my deliciously naughty stories. This was why I hadn’t gone to the meeting. I didn’t want a server to recognize me and out me. The moment I tried to explain it, she got it at once. Then everything she’d done and said to me in the past (as well as her occasional bruising) made perfect sense.  So did the secrecy behind my writing.

In that fraught moment, we were both outed as kinky.


I just smiled. There was no point to hide it, but I was sure she was worried. She blushed the deepest red I’ve seen on her. What would the parents think if they knew our dear PTA President was a kinky girl? The worst thing I could’ve done in that moment was push it further, so instead I changed the subject to screaming children and candy. Victory!
Just as attending any sort of fetish or BDSM event puts you at risk of being outed as kinky, the same applies to your attending coworkers, fellow PTA staff, and sometimes even church members. Chances are they don’t want to be called out any more than you do. If you see someone you know from another arena of your life it can be awkward, so pay close attention to their body language. If a nod in their direction is appropriate, it’s likely okay. Conversation may ensue later, once everyone has calmed down from the shock of being outed, but this shouldn’t be rushed.
While we all have the right to be as kinky as we want and as private or public as we want, we do not control the world around us, so remember to keep calm! Chances are others won’t out you, because that would out them as well.

Sienna Saint-Cyr writes erotica and blogs about kink, poly, body image, and most things relating. Follow her at siennasaintcyr.wordpress.com or on Twitter @siennasaintcyr.
Images by cea + and johanna via Flickr with CC BY 2.0 license

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