The one piece of advice that kinky people hear more than anything is to get out into your local kink community. Go to a munch. Find the local club. Form a group if you can’t find one, but meet other kinky people face-to-face. You’ll learn a lot, and you’ll discover once and for all that you aren’t alone in your “deviant” desires. Every bit of that is true. With any group, we all have an idea of what we’ll find and who we’ll meet. The kinky community is no different.
If you think you’ll meet Dominants, submissives, tops, bottoms, switches, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, genderqueer, cross-dressers, and any other type of person you can imagine (and maybe a few you can’t), you’re right.
Sometimes, they’re a gay Dominant who enjoys dressing in women’s clothing. Sometimes they’re a trans woman who switches - submissive for men and Dominant for women. Sometimes you’re not really sure where someone stands, and that’s okay, because it’s none of your damned business until they decide to tell you.
But if you also think that kinky people are completely different from any other group of people you might know - your co-workers, the cycling group you bike with, or your quilting circle (hey, don’t judge, I know some really kinky chicks who quilt) - think again. These are the people you’ll meet in your local kink community. Don’t be shocked if you recognize a few of them.
You’ll leave the munch or the meet-up with a sore throat and a stomachache thanks to screaming laughter. They’ve got a line for everything, think fast on their feet, and seem to have a million and one stories. In my local kink community, this person also works in a sex store, so his stories aren’t quite what you might hear at work, but they are hilarious.
I don’t care what you do in your vanilla life, we all know that one person who knows everything. Guess what? You’re about to meet them in your kinky life, too. They’ll tell you your preferred method of collaring is ridiculous, why the rope you prefer is the wrong one, and why you should never have purchased that particular flogger. It’s okay not to want to hang out with this person.
From munch to munch, this person seems to change (hell, sometimes it’s me) but someone is always on a diet. No carbs. No soda. No meat. Only lettuce. Wherever you go, someone is always trying to lose weight. You’ll feel one of two things when you order that greasy cheeseburger and onion rings as they’re choking down their dry, sad salad - guilty as hell or sorry for them.
Slightly different from the Know-It-All, this person has been in the lifestyle FOREVER, and anything you think you’ve discovered, they tried 20 years ago. When these people are cool, pull up a chair and listen because they have a lot to each you. But when these people are not cool, let them sit next to the one who knows everything and see who’s head explodes first from trying to out-do the other.
They come to every meeting, every gathering, every munch. They never say a word. You know them, at least on sight, even if you can’t remember their name (because they never speak!). It’s always the quiet ones you have to watch out for, though. If you’re fortunate enough to be around when they finally open up, sit down, be quiet, and listen. This may be your only chance to find out how freaky and kinky they really are.
They know everyone in your local kink community. They love everyone. Hugs, kisses, maybe a butt grab (because hello, we are kinksters). If you’re not scared away by them, try to spend a few minutes at any meeting with them. It’s the best way to meet everyone without feeling obligated to make awkward conversation. The social butterfly moves around too much for you to be stuck with anyone you don’t know for too long.
This person isn’t quite the same as the quiet person. They’re quiet, yes, but it’s because they’re terrified. The shy one is usually brand new and wasn’t sure what they’d find at their first munch. (Clearly, we’re all supposed to be half naked and whipping each other with bull whips.)
If you’re not new (or too shy), grab them by the hand and help them feel less alone. And if this is you, let yourself be lead into the group. Your whole world is about to change.
It’s easy to think that any meeting of a group of kinksters is an orgy filled with knife play and consensual non-consent, and everyone’s wearing leather. Or you could remember that we’re all regular people with our own quirks, personalities, issues, and opinions.
When you finally find your local kinky community, sit back and watch. You’ll be surprised at how the kinkiest person will remind you of people in the most vanilla parts of your life. And very few of us get really freaky before the sun goes down and we’re safe in the dungeon.
Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life.
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