We've all heard at least one of these misconceptions about kinky people, especially since That Unmentionable Book and Movie (UBM) launched BDSM into the mainstream and sparked the kinky curiosity of many a vanilla. This is intensified by a world media that loves to sensationalize bondage and use carefully selected stories to shock. Here are five popular misconceptions about kinky people that will leave you seething.

The Top Five Misconceptions About Kinky People


1. Kink is all about the (straight) boys.


the-top-five-misconceptions-about-kinky-people-2The vanilla world often sees kinky fun as hetero- and male-centered. A quick glance around any fetish gathering or online forum proves this to be entirely inaccurate, but since when has the truth got in the way of a good gossip? From the UBM to Secret Diary of a Call Girl, the vast, heady experiences of women in BDSM are regularly reduced to prostitution and coercion. In fact the majority of us got here through our own passions and desires; there are just as many female party goers at events and munches are also a good gender mix. It’s frustrating enough to be represented like this in mainstream media if you’re a straight woman, but the thriving lesbian S&M community is virtually invisible. Women love to be in control and instigate the action as much as men - don’t underestimate us kinky women.



2. BDSM is for people who can’t get off on normal sex anymore


This is another big misconception about kinky people. We can have kinky sex, we can have vanilla sex and, most importantly, we can choose between the two as we please. This is not an either/or situation, for the fetish community sex can be enjoyed any number of ways. We aren't limited by inhibitions, but we have quieter nights just like anyone else. The belief that kinky people need increasingly extreme sexual practices to feel aroused is misleading; this isn't a slippery slope leading to utter deprivation. Some people will only ever want to be spanked, while others settle on cos-play or handcuffs. And anyway, who decides what’s normal? A fetish only becomes an issue when getting to know a new partner, but most of us have learnt that it pays to be open and honest about our fetishes early on.



3. Getting your freak on bondage style requires a dungeon and scary torture devices


the-top-five-misconceptions-about-kinky-people-3Watching porn can distort your idea about any sexual practice, BDSM included. In reality women won’t randomly give blow jobs to the pizza delivery boy and kinky people live in normal houses, not secret underground lairs with medieval furniture. Learning to be good at your fetish can take years to perfect and that comes with practice, you don’t just open an account with Lovehoney and start fetishing. Skills like Japanese rope bondage, inflicting exactly the right amount of pain or talking like a total slut aren't available in stores. Our private pleasures can be enhanced with props and toys for sure, but creativity, communication and experience are far more desirable. When you know what you’re doing and what turns you on, great BDSM sex can happen anywhere, from your car, to the desk at work, to half way up the stairs.



4. Being tied up signals clear and present danger


One of the most important misconceptions about kinky people and the fetish community is that we are careless with our personal safety. A handful of high-profile headlines about sadomasochistic ‘sex games gone wrong’ have had a lasting impact on the public’s perception of S&M, and that’s a shame. It happens and we need to be aware of the dangers, but BDSM is not inherently abusive, nor is it bad for your health. Scenes are designed in an atmosphere of consent and collaboration, and although power play is involved, this is what both sides want. Being risk-aware is part of sadomasochism, that’s why we negotiate our boundaries, only play with partners or groups we trust, and use safe words when necessary.



5. Sadomasochistic sex means inflicting real pain


To think that bondage play relies on hurting someone else for kicks is missing the point entirely. Kinky people can get off on looking at each other, smelling each other, phone sex and a whole range of other wonderfully pervy stuff... none of which involve pain. The key issue is power; how it’s used between a person who is turned on by submissiveness and another who’s equally excited by dominance. When you hurt someone they have a physical reaction which some find extremely pleasurable, but plenty of kinksters love the feeling of being painlessly tickled or stroked by a whip rather than being hit by it. It’s true that one person usually has extended control in a kinky situation, but this is a sexual playground where both people know what they’re doing and can’t wait to get started.


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