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The drop on Dom drop

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Posted

After my own recent experiences shared via another thread on this forum and the issue of burnout or Dom  drop being even more recently mentioned and then commented on as being  a much needed discussion - let’s have it !

whats the drop on Dom drop ? 

Examples / experiences 

prevention ?

”after care “ - who’s job is that ? 

 

  • Like 3
Posted

I covered this as Top drop in a magazine article a while ago: 

 

I'm interested to read people's experience of this.  :)

  • Like 4
Posted

I love this article because it really emphasises the need to look after each other and ensure that the care that passes between each party is active and attentive. I really enjoy giving and receiving this and I’m happy that another aspect of this dynamic is recognised and explained so well.  There is nothing about D/s dynamic I haven’t fallen completely head over heels with!!!

  • Like 6
Posted

Believe me when I say Dom-Burnout is every bit as real and as common as Sub-Drop, the big difference being many of us Dominants do not have the resources, advice levels or guidance from as many sources as submissives have in dealing with this phenomena. This is where for us Dom's reaching out and not being afraid to admit that even we sometimes need good friends to help us get by is a vital part of staying the course and becoming a better Dom who is aware of his own limits and boundaries.

This idea of Dom Drop, Top Drop or Dom Burnout (whatever you wish to call it) goes to one of the more interesting juxtapositions of being a Dominant Master in that while us Dominants are (with consent) controlling, degrading, strict, harsh and sadistic, we are also often nurturers who love nothing more than training a new submissive to not only serve our will, but become a submissive who we can worship and be proud of owning and collaring. We are lovers who feel deeply and intensely protective and loving towards our submissive. Being a Dominant isn't easy and it’s a role not to be taken for granted. Although being Dominant comes naturally to many such as myself, what many people fail to understand about being a Dominant is that like a submissive you are actually playing, living and being a giver in a very giving role. You give so much energy, time, care and consideration to your submissive and also the scenarios you plan, the play and punishment you mete out, the training you give, the toys you search for, buy, use, explore and maintain that you will often find as a Dominant that it is easy to reach burn out by giving so much of yourself to your submissive that you can easily be left drained and bereft of energy or enthusiasm for being Dominant. Believe me when I say Dom-Burnout is every bit as real and as common as Sub-Drop, the big difference being many of us Dominants do not have the resources, advice levels or guidance from as many sources as submissives have in dealing with this phenomena. This is where for us Dom's reaching out and not being afraid to admit that even we sometimes need good friends to help us get by is a vital part of staying the course and becoming a better Dom who is aware of his own limits and boundaries.

So how does this situation occur, well there are many varied ways and I have already mentioned one, in that the giving part of our nature can often lead us to giving so much to our submissives that the energy drain over time leaves us exhausted, worn out or mentally, physically or emotionally drained. This is more often the case in relationships where a D/s relationship is 24/7 as opposed to strictly sexual or bedroom and play oriented or where a Dominant has taken on several submissives and cannot keep up with them all and their needs.

Another way this can happen is when you have the unfortunate mismatch of a Dominant and Sub, for example when a Dominant meets and forms a relationship with a submissive who is more into extreme levels of pain, torture, humiliation, degradation or rough and forceful play than the Dominant themselves. In this situation as a Dominant you want to push your submissives limits and boundaries, but the kicker is that the submissives boundaries or limits may far surpass yours as  a Dominant. In this situation a submissive wished you to increase the pain or punishment and can often results in toys such as cane’s, floggers, paddles, crops etc, being broken on the submissive or scars and damage being done to them that the Dom realises in hindsight was too much for him or her and the regret, guilt and self-doubt creep in. This often causes what I would call a Dom breakdown, wherein the Dominant is actually put off further Domming of that submissive and will often break up the relationship to give them time to heal, re-evaluate what they are doing or take the time to understand why they have been so negatively affected and impacted by what has happened; often without help, or someone to talk to this can put a Dominant off being Dominant for much of their life and is a heavy burden to bear.

It may sound trivial and silly, but many people tend to forget that Dominants are human being’s first and Dominant after the fact. This means that although we may present as Dominant in many if not all aspects of our lives, we also still have emotions and also from time to time feel those same doubts, fears, guilt, shame and regret as other people. What’s key to understand about us Dominants is that juts like most submissives we too have our limits and boundaries, we may not always like to admit that we have them and they may often be on the more extreme end of the spectrum; but once reached or pushed past (intentionally or not) we can suffer similar reactions to submissives when they have been pushed close to or beyond their boundaries.

Were all human after all and no Dominant I have ever known or met would ever claim to be perfect or not have made the odd mistake and then punished themselves for it mentally and emotionally. The trick is that to get to become a good Dominant and a better person, we need to sometimes make mistakes in order to learn from them and become better at what we do and who we are. For me I will tell anyone who wishes to listen that I am far from the finished product both as a Dominant Master and as a person, I am a constant work in progress and everyday I’m learning more and more towards becoming not only a better Dominant, but a better person too.

I know that there are many others Dom’s on this site and in the wider community at large who have been itching to talk about this topic, so I would adore hearing any insights and thoughts from other Dom’s on this subject.   

  • Like 7
Posted
29 minutes ago, Firewitch said:

I love this article because it really emphasises the need to look after each other and ensure that the care that passes between each party is active and attentive. I really enjoy giving and receiving this and I’m happy that another aspect of this dynamic is recognised and explained so well.  There is nothing about D/s dynamic I haven’t fallen completely head over heels with!!!

This makes me happy, it proves I'm doing my job as an article writer well, thank you <3

  • Like 4
Mrchristopher70
Posted

Robustlove... that is a seriously great explanation as one that has been on the receiving end of a serious burn out and at the time I had or other issues which compounded the situation i pushed my self past my limits with the negative effect of me almost calling it a day to the point that my partner commented that the relationship for her was like I'd become the sub and she had the dominant roll .I withdrew to the extent that the relationship ended . I have spoken openly with Firewitch re this and she knows all my back ground which is to say the least is colourful .... if anyone would like more details please ask .C

  • Like 2
PatientTraveller
Posted

Very glad that Robustlove can articulate what I have felt in the past. I still feel guilt for the relationships that have end due too a lack of presence.

I do wish I had somebody to chat with when I was younger, just glad that we have a space to discuss and share.

 

 

 

  • Like 3
Posted

I’m glad that what I wrote resonated with you MrChristopher and PateintTraveller, that was my hope in posting and writing what I have already.

For my part I was in a relationship with a submissive who was very heavily into torture and extreme torture at that, she loved being slapped and very hard slapping was her favourite. Eventually over time she became somewhat desensitised to the level of slapping and pain I was happy with and begun to push me for more, almost to the point (as you say yourself) of becoming more dominant in demanding more intense pain, torture and extreme slapping. One particular session she was being so bratty, mouthy and pushy to get me to slap her harder that I slapped her hard enough to knock her unconscious. Now while she really liked this and the large welt it left across her face I was very, very disturbed that I had hit her so hard as to knock her unconscious.

For me it was trying to reconcile caring and loving someone who I had just hurt enough to knock them unconscious and the darker places that could lead me that I did not want to venture into.

Our next session was even worse for me as she made it clear that slapping her was no longer enough and that she wanted me to punch her with clenched fists and basically pummel her to pieces and leave her bruised, swollen all over with possible rib and face damage or fractures.

Needless to say I stopped the session midway and told her that I had reached my limits with her and I could go no further. Unfortunately I was accused of not being man enough to leave her half dead and not being a real Dom simply due to me not wanting to physically damage her or brake her bones and scar her. The relationship ended acrimoniously and it led me to a period of self-punishment, abstinence but also ultimately self-reflection. It took me about a good 6 months to a year before I got myself over the experience, the feelings and emotions I went through going beyond my own limits before was happy to carry on Domming actively. Although it was a painful and hard experience and mistake to make, it was ultimately transformative and a helped me to learn things about myself that I would not have done so otherwise. It taught me that as much as I love being Dominant and all the BDSM play that comes with living in a D/s relationship, that even I have my limits and boundaries, and that extreme torture and pain/damage work are simply not something I am comfortable with or prepared to do with anyone no matter how much they want or need it.      

  • Like 4
Posted

Wow!! This is so humbling to read as such an amazing insight into your experiences as Doms. A true example of how real men should manage themselves.  Yes you are strong, powerful, assertive, commanding and yes you are human, have limits and are impacted upon by the D/s dynamic. What a privilege to read for me and I think you should all feel incredibly proud of yourselves to have walked some of your journey through the toughest of times and yet maintain such commitment and dignity to be able to come back from that and know what is right.  I have nothing but respect and admiration and hope that this inspires others I explore their challenges and successes and for us all as a community to grow together. 

  • Like 5
SirPhileasFlogg
Posted
Quite a common occurrence for me to be honest. If I have an intense weekend of play, I'm guaranteed to drop on Thursday morning... As an experience, a tad more emotional than I'd like.... And aftercare? Aftercare is everyones job. If you play with someone, you have to take care of them... what did mummy tell you when you were little? That's right, you look after your toys and your toys will look after you :)
  • Like 4
Posted

Thank you all for contributing- I asked and you answered ! 

Before I respond I want to tell you all that at the same time as uploading this topic I was pondering also on the actual meaning of ‘training a sub’ but decided I would raise this in a separate thread later on- however I mention it now because not only do points within this thread pull through the answers to this golden question - I also feel as though I came to the answer myself with my sub ( a beautiful testimony that I am still on a journey of self discovery and not just clawing at answers from you lot 😉!) .

i’ ll link the two further below....

firstly id like to thank VictoriaBlisse for the article because it was insightful to learn about ‘TopSpace’/ “DomSpace. 

The link between this and my own journey although in it’s infacy has hit me like a brick to the face.

Those of you that read / commented in my thread “Pushing Limits: waking to tears” may recognise.

i am now confident that during this scene I became over focused on my own involvement and overcome with my own dominance . As a result of this tunnel vision I missed the (actually obvious) signs that my sub was giving off telling me she was so close to her limits, this was then compounded by the ‘zone ‘ I was in ( in my mind I like to think of it at the D-Zone).

I moved  from one Dominant move / assertion to another in repeated sequence- it felt incredible FOR ME. Im confident that if my sub had not been at her limits she may have enjoyed me in this zone, but that’s the point - I had no awareness at the time of HER zone ! 

I reference this scene because it then moves on to fit nicely with Dom Drop. 

The following day after waking to the tears and talking with my sub I was definitely in D-Drop. Not necessarily ( but possibly compounded by) because of the endorphins come down etc but because I was out of sorts with my sub , a woman I care for deeply and have been entrusted to care for within our play. 

I had let  her down and I have learnt that when she is not ok I cannot be ok- I had a serious wobble that day and wondering if this whole gig was for me. The guilt and self disappointment I felt were overwhelming. In hindsight after more discussions I think the whole thing bothered me more than it did her. 

So subs, yes, Dom Drop is there always in the shadows waiting to pounce  as is Sub Drop. 

I am early in my journey and perhaps thankfully have not yet had a mismatch - Robustlove and MrChristophers examples are more extreme than mine and it does not shock me at all that with that they were affected for longer. 

Forget Doms , what strong men to have been able to self reflect, heal and return to something that is so central to their identity.  

So, how this ties in with “ what does it mean to train a sub “. 

There are no doubt many aspects to this monumentus task- but the  underlying principle beyond the trust which pulls through both threads is responsibility.

Both Doms mentioned above reaching point where responsibility needed to take over the mutual agreement and their own desires, perhaps it breached the trust the Subs felt Thinking could rely on  the Doms to fulfil the role as the subs saw it meaning for them.

For me,  the question was answered when my sub told me recently she craved me to the point she wanted me to take her completely as my sex toy for the night ( by text at work aarrrgghhhh).

Thought one - I am a fucking lucky man and I cannot wait for this . 

I am proud that before responding I had more thoughts !

The learning from my own experience of Dom Space and D drop which are echoing  in this thread saw me having an attack of responsibility.

i knew she was not ready for this. Now having the foresight and understanding just how dominant and rough I can be when in the D-zone I knew she has not reached the point of being able to withstand this from me even if the point of the scene was to look past her own enjoyment .her mind was not ready , and her body was not. 

Had I steamed in all guns blazing living out all the fantasies whirling round in my head with all of my size weight and strength I was not only going to hurt her by likely damage her.

After  much deliberation- and I would like to say to the Subs that it is not easy to turn such an offer down - I told her no and that she was not ready and we would train for that ultimate submission.

This was the realisation, training a sub is preparing their mind and body for the ultimate plateaus of submission through staged and paced exposure and recovery to mental dynamics such as control, anxiety , exhaustion, excitement. And about raising tolerances so that more pleasure can be taken from physical stress or pain within impact play rough inter course or even light torture / punishment. Within all of this maintaining discipline. 

My final point is this:

WE CALL THIS PLAY - this is very serious business and we do not make light of our responsibilities to those that have blessed us with their submission. 

I had reassured my sub though that night that I understood and respected her desire and although not ready for the whole thing I would give a sample,

we trained deep throat with a focus on her performance more than her enjoyment AMAZING.

The following morning she asked : is my goal in training her that I will be able to face fuck her as hard deep and fast as I wanted ?

my answer :

” No my love, my goal in training you is that you will reach a point where YOU WANT me to fuck your face as hard deep and fast as I can”.

 

thanks again , I knew you wouldn’t disappoint ,

 

G

 

  • Like 6
Posted

It makes me so happy to read my article helped, thank you. I wish you all the best in your journey <3 

  • Like 2

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