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Reyhoney

Disconnection during sex

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Reyhoney
Posted

Please, can you help me understand this?

This guy I’ve been seeing has expressed his love for rough sex, he said none of his ex’s ever entertained him in it and were against it, I was naturally into it and I didn’t mind it, we started having sex after a while and it got rough, it got pretty rough that I’ve actually cried during it once (big fantasy of his). Anyway we had sex like this for a while but we still had other types of vanilla sex, but rough was our default. 

One day I expressed to him that I love him and he froze, he said that because the sex got so rough he had to numb his feelings for me in order to keep having it. He said he tried to tone the roughness down but I wasn’t into it (?) and he said the rough sex was too much for him. 

Anyway, I’m confused and broken-hearted, is there any truth to this? Did he have to dehumanize me in order to have sex with me that way? I feel sort of betrayed cause rough sex is all he ever talked about. Is it just an excuse to end our relationship? 

Any insights would be very helpful. Thank you.

 

Carnelian2
Posted

Hi, I do not know the nature of your relationship other than the rough, nor do I know his motivations, so I can only comment from my own perspective. Us men can be a funny breed, who cannot always deal with emotional attachment dependent on what else is going on in our lives. Sometimes it even scares us. I think that is what you are seeing. I definitely do not think you should jump to any conclusions other than that. Give it time.

PatientTraveller
Posted (edited)

Based on your post, the physical needs and desires for yourself are being met, but exceeding your partner. This can result in guilt, which is difficult to handle...nobody want to be guilty or feel guilty. 

You have shared that he'd like to tone it down a bit and your indicate that you not to keen on this...try to remember the relationship pace is set by the slowest partner. This might help in reaching a balance, what is go is you know that your partner can meet your needs physically and it's possible to reach that point again in time.

You might have to consider communicating more and developing the emotional and mental elements, even consider softer activities like reassuring him after rough-sex sessions that this is what you want, look into "aftercare" men need care as much as women. 

As Carnelian2 shared "Give it time"

Edited by PatientTraveller
spelling again
Posted
Personally i think all forms of sex should be 100% respectful. Degrading,rough or humiliating sex is all fine if u are both enjoying it but when im in the postion im there 100% no switching off feelings because that just sounds dangerous. The whole point of any form of sex is the enjoyment out of it. If i let some1 piss on me as degrading im allowing that becasue im turned on by that person at that moment. If i whip some1 painfully hard its because they are wanting it and we are both enjoying it. Its like gambling when the fun stops YOU STOP.
Mrchristopher70
Posted

The way in which I see this is from my point of view I my self love realy realy rough sex and to an extent you have to use a certain amount of separation/compartmetalization but for me this does not change how o feel about someone . One thing I will say is you both need to be on the same page there is a huge difference between making love and sex .sex is just in some ways animalistic and if you both talk about how you feel about it there then becomes a mutual under standing but you both need to be on the same page .

Reyhoney
Posted
4 hours ago, PatientTraveller said:

Based on your post, the physical needs and desires for yourself are being met, but exceeding your partner. This can result in guilt, which is difficult to handle...nobody want to be guilty or feel guilty. 

You have shared that he'd like to tone it down a bit and your indicate that you not to keen on this...try to remember the relationship pace is set by the slowest partner. This might help in reaching a balance, what is go is you know that your partner can meet your needs physically and it's possible to reach that point again in time.

You might have to consider communicating more and developing the emotional and mental elements, even consider softer activities like reassuring him after rough-sex sessions that this is what you want, look into "aftercare" men need care as much as women. 

As Carnelian2 shared "Give it time"

He never said or showed that he wanted to tone it down, rough sex was his thing not mine, I was into it but not to his degree. It’s only after it crashed and burned that he said oh I tried to tone it down. 

Posted
Move on he should have been great full to have found such as you. You will find the right one soon enough

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