Please help and advise

[Newbiesub868]

I am very new to this scene, just venturing into my first experience currently online. I still have some reservations about a few things. 

My main issue and something I don’t think I can get over is submissive vs slave. I have no problem being submissive in the bedroom and will continue to grow and stretch my boundaries there with time and patience.

I do have an issue with stepping into a slave role. Right now it is a hard limit for me and may always continue to be that way but I don’t believe my Dom will allow that to continue. 

I suppose I know most will tell me to move on but there is a dynamic between the two of us. I would love to have some male Doms and female subs to offer advise, support. Whatever

[Deleted Member]

If being a slave isn't for you, it simply isn't for you. You shouldn't be made to feel that eventually you have to become that. 

If you look around the forums you will find comments from people talking about things they do any now enjoy that they never thought they would, so there's always room to change in BDSM. 

 

However, if you feel it is a hard limit then for you, for now, it's a hard limit. No one should try to push you past a hard limit. That is a big ol red flag. 

[Jay1991-8889]

"I don't believe my Dom will allow that to continue". You aren't property and your Dom has an obligation to respect and uphold your limits and not to push you into things you don't wish to do

[Hexy]

At the end of the day, submisive or not, you are still a human being and deserved to be treated as such. Hard limits are a big old red light and should be obeyed. Communication in the BDSM world is like one of the ten commandments of the christian bible. If your Dom chooses to ignore these hard limits then it may be time to pull away as you arent property to be ***d. Being a submissive/slave doesnt mean that your boundries just disapear over night because your Domanant/Owner decides they should. Most Owner/slave play i have been a part of starts with the slave actualy writing the contract to firmly establish hard limits and soft limits, if the Dom doesnt accept these conditions (an experianced Dom rarely if ever refuses hard limits) then i move on. TL:DR - regardles of being submissive or slaves we are still a human beings, and have the right for others to respect th safety of our boundries amd safe words

[Deleted Member]

Reading this made me think of definitions and how different Doms/subs expect different things- I would suggest having a conversation about what ‘slave’ looks like for him. Also research the options together- if it involves taking things up a notch then you both need to be on board. If one of you reaches an absolute must have or absolute not then you will reach that juncture together and that’s the point you may need to re-evaluate the relationship status....

[Carnelian2]

As it was mentioned before, there are plenty of perceptions around what slave means. In the end, this comes down to agreement between you and your Master. There can be a whole spectrum. When it comes to being submissive, the lines can also be blurred in that this can be purely sexual (bedroom only) or extend to other parts of life. It really comes down to what you feel comfortable with.

[MistressLagertha]

I am female and Dominant, so figured my input maybe useful. 

When my sub was first new to the scene, I made her research. Setting written assignments for her to prove to me her understanding of what she had learnt. But that also meant I could correct gaps in knowledge by getting her to revisit some areas by pointing her at books or specific websites.

There is a lot of information you as new sub need to find out, otherwise you are at risk of unsavoury inexperienced predatory types taking advantage of your newness. Everyone is eager to find themselves a Dominant/sub, that jump at the first person to show interest - which all to often ends in disaster. 

All good fetish relationships should have a contract drawn up, so both parties know what’s expected of them and what is not acceptable. This can be visited over time and amended or updated if required. A contract doesn’t mean you are a slave or owned, the collarings are signs of status and ownership etc ... each type of collar reflects something different not unlike rings in relationships. Plain leather collars with no adornment are consideration/training collars (equal to a promise ring), leather collars with ‘O’ or ‘D’ rings are commitment to ownership to one Dominant person (equal to an engagement ring), metal collars signify long term commitment (equal to a wedding ring). Now there are other types and some people will use them slightly differently such as - leather adorned for subs or metal for slaves, it just depends on the local community or a persons interpretation. 

 

I’ve gone off at a bit of a tangent, but it’s still relevant. Anyway, as others have said if any dominant wants or expects to push you past limits and you’re not willing to do so because of limits. I would request immediate release from that person, nothing good will come of a relationship with them. I will point out that release should be granted, you should never be punished for asking and there should be no penalty either. However expect to explain why, which can be in person or in writing and that is your choice how to answer. 

Its all well and good to tell newbies something is a red flag but we need to explain why and options of how to deal with it. That is of course why they asked for help in the first place. 

If you have any questions or need to better explain anything feel free to ask. 

[Deleted Member]

Late to the party on this one ... But I see your issue as two fold the first issue The distinction between submissive and Slave, which is a very subjective mater , the second issue - honest and clear communication between D & s... bringing you full circle to your first issue- making sure you are both on the same page with the difference and where you fit in to it. MistressLargertha - marvellous idea. Although perhaps not suited to all dynamics , but I am in 100% agreeaance. Shared understanding rooted in open communication is paramount. Love your approach.

[Pa****]

Just on a softer note, keep in mind that your submission is unique to you and it is your path, your Dom is there to guide you, communication is the key. MistressLagertha makes a good point in the use of assignments and essays...there is more ways to learn and understand, there are softer routes, simply explore Master/Slave from a academic perspective, which give you more clarity about your concerns, ***s and help you to define your limits and boundaries...it is better to have awareness and no experience than to have a bad experience.

Still hold to your hard limit(s), you don't need to explore everything through experience...Your new and have lots to learn, you have rights as any individual has.

The contract helps bring formal clarity and understanding, just like any other contract...offer, acceptance and a meeting of minds...yet the contract is only valid when the Four Pillars hold true, communication, honesty, trust and respect which apply to all in the relationship.

Lastly, any Dominant that ignores a Hard Limit or pushes against a Hard Limit isn't worth your gift of submission...limits are there to be respected and protect the Dominant and submissive. Limits exist for a reason to protect Dominant and the submissive from each other as well as themselves.

 

Your pace, your time, your submission, your journey.

[Dimmerswitch]

Step away from the sub/slave conundrum. 

If your not comfortable doing something now, will changing your definition make you any more comfortable doing the same thing? 

Your a person. With thoughts, erratic behaviours and squishy emotion type things. Not an object. Unless you want to be an object. Which ever makes you happy  

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

Cannot really add anything but agreement with the replies already given...especially with the points on you being a human being first and never having to do ANYTHING you don't want to, your Dom needs to understand first and foremost that his leading begins with your limits and desires being discussed and agreed, communication, communication, communication! It's absolutely paramount to push through all your questions in the beginning of any relationship but especially in a Bdsm one. It's easy for us all to write these things down in the hope you can digest it and be able speak with clarity to your dom, but being a sub, it can sometimes be daunting to think you have to "go against" as it were, what your Dom is pushing you to do, thoughts can get muddie and you can end up reluctantly agreeing to something you do not really want to do, which will harbour negative thoughts and will result in bad experiences for yourself. As said before, if you try to communicate your wants and desires and limits to your Dom and he/she does not communicate back with what you want to hear to put you at ease...then you should do your best to remove yourself from the relationship...x