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smokeandmirrors

Boyfriend is unsure about BDSM cause I've been sexually assualted in the past

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smokeandmirrors
Posted

Trigger warning: Sexual Violence. 

 

Hey, I'm new :) I've been looking for some advice for a good while but as my friends don't know about my kinks I have no one to talk to so I'm happy to have found this place!

I've been with my boyfriend for a while now, he's pretty open to trying things and I told him I was into BDSM before we were even a couple so it's never been a secret.

We've spoken about it a bit, about what I like/don't like etc. He often talks about what we'd do, the consent and safety etc and I get really excited about it but it never really happens.

The problem could be that When I was 17 I was raped by multiple people. It's not an issue for me anymore and I'm over it, totally happy with my body and my sexuality. I'm into BDSM but honestly, that would have been the case whether that had happened or not. It's got nothing to do with it but I think my boyfriend struggles with it, I think he worries it'll somehow upset/remind me of that time if he does anything other than talk about what we'd do. It's like he's happy to talk about it but doing it is something different. I want to tell him that my kink has nothing to do with what happened and that I feel very safe with him but I don't know how to bring it up, or even if what happened to me has anything to do with it. He's never done any BDSM before so maybe he's just nervous or it's a combination of both?

Any advice would be appreciated :)

 

  • Like 1
Posted
Hi. Not sure this will help but maybe start off slowly...sexy underwear, blindfold and work your way up. It's not all about whips etc its also refreshing to hear you have a sensitive bloke xx
Posted
As you've said, he doensnt want to bring up bad memories such as that. He sounds like a sweet guy and you sound like you understand that he has your interests at heart. BDSM is always something that starts off slowly and i couldnt agree more with Mommajo with their advice. He's a keeper, it might take some time but just talking about it is the best start and asking about how keen you are with each others ideas.
Carnelian2
Posted

It sounds like he is the one that needs easing into this, and it is important that you find a balance you can build on. As others have said you can start slow. You may also start with more psychological aspects, where he gets you to follow orders with consequences, of course. The punishments can then be built up.

That may make him feel more comfortable as he also sees that there is non- physical side to BDSM.

 

eyemblacksheep
Posted

I can understand his caution : and this is a good thing.  There's plenty of blokes who'd be like "oh, get over it" or "I'm not like that" - which does nothing to help.

I guess a simple idea would be to assure him on your willingness to use safewords if anything does head in the wrong direction.  Also, teach him about sub drop and aftercare so he knows your post-play responses are normal and not something he has done wrong.

  • Like 2
Posted
I can get his caution even as an experienced master. He clearly cares very deeply for you. You do need to raise it though and discuss it if it's something you want to practise otherwise it will fester. Communication, communication, communication. You may need to guide him somewhat and start gently if you get my drift. Well done on not letting it ruin your life , I can't imagine what you must have gone through x
  • Like 2
PatientTraveller
Posted

I agree with Bomomaster, there is a real element of caution needed, especially since you say you are over it...kinked or not...care and caution is needed for both of you...never know what will happen in the moment.

You will need to use a lot of communication and step carefully and slowly, which isn't bad...

Find a BDSM checklist online and go through it with each other...pick some of the simple activities that you are both interested in, after your have some play...talk to each other about a couple of days later.

eyemblacksheep, makes a good point about sub drop and aftercare, but you'll have to consider different sub space responses as well...this will be very important, should anything surface unexpectedly...your partner will need to know and prepare.

Take your time, low and slow and have fun....there is no need to rush and communication really is the key.

Posted

talking is good. tell him about your limits an explain its nothing to do with your past but its just a part of you. 

 

a good idea is to talk about your limits but also ask him if he as limits as well. limits work both ways.

 

sub drop is a thing i know after a weekend with my master an returning to my normal life i got sad. although id had great after care an we did alot of vanila stuff. like cuddling an watching tv . maybe i just missed his company.

 

but also dom drop is a thing. its all about careing for each other the way you u both like works well. also do normal date things to .  me an my master do we go shopping togther an cook. just normal couple things  

Posted

Hi, Really good advice from members..I was abused when I was very young and it has and still does make me incredibly wary meeting or even getting involved in going to a club....you are very lucky you have a partner who has NOT said NO..A rare breed..A softly , softly approach is more than likely to bring you closer together.! A gentle introduction to what you love in a romantic way can work wonders...I was introduced to the BDSM scene by my partner , my fiancee ,   sadly , no longer part of this world..I  was taken aback by her admittance of what she loved , not put off  but scared..!..Our relationship was to put it mildly...frosty for about a month....but one evening....came home...candles in the bathroom...bedroom....2 bottles of wine in the bathroom and 2 bottles in the bedroom...It set the scene for my introduction to a new world...steak and chips with grilled mushrooms etc , in bed..My point is...make sharing what you love with your partner  into an  evening..night that neither of you will forget...then you will have that emotional memory and that invaluable connection between romance and BDSM.!....There will always be a risk in admitting ones loves and desires to a partner...is it better to find out earlier...than later that you will not be totally happy in your relationship..?...As women do so well ....read the signals...you might need to change your approach......At the end of the day.....who matters most..you do....Cassie34...

almondjoy
Posted

With you being experienced things could easily be forgotten to mention. Ex. I’m new, when I first heard about bdsm I thought of it as a gang rape scenario. Now I know different. Since you were raped by multiple people, could he be concerned about that.

by the way we have a similar issue. At least yours is talking.

Luzlicknpussy
Posted
On 1/31/2018 at 2:20 PM, smokeandmirrors said:

Trigger warning: Sexual Violence. 

 

Hey, I'm new :) I've been looking for some advice for a good while but as my friends don't know about my kinks I have no one to talk to so I'm happy to have found this place!

I've been with my boyfriend for a while now, he's pretty open to trying things and I told him I was into BDSM before we were even a couple so it's never been a secret.

We've spoken about it a bit, about what I like/don't like etc. He often talks about what we'd do, the consent and safety etc and I get really excited about it but it never really happens.

The problem could be that When I was 17 I was raped by multiple people. It's not an issue for me anymore and I'm over it, totally happy with my body and my sexuality. I'm into BDSM but honestly, that would have been the case whether that had happened or not. It's got nothing to do with it but I think my boyfriend struggles with it, I think he worries it'll somehow upset/remind me of that time if he does anything other than talk about what we'd do. It's like he's happy to talk about it but doing it is something different. I want to tell him that my kink has nothing to do with what happened and that I feel very safe with him but I don't know how to bring it up, or even if what happened to me has anything to do with it. He's never done any BDSM before so maybe he's just nervous or it's a combination of both?

Any advice would be appreciated :)

 

So what is your exact kinks

Siobhan573
Posted

I had a few old boyfriends when I was a teenager and really insecure. I would let  guys use me hoping they wanted to date me.. one of them took my clothes off while we were kissing in is truck and then he forced himself on me. I said no but eventually gave in because I was getting really aroused...Basically ever since then I remember that scene all the time and want it more. When I've told recent boyfriends about this experience, they get sensitive which is sweet, but I crave being taken. The old boyfriend(he wasn't really a boyfriend just a guy I flirted with) got a gf try and stop stopped talking to me, but as much as he was an was asshole, I fantasize about him and people no to me what he did all the time.


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