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The darker side of the dark side

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It has been highlighted that we don’t often talk about the dark side of the dark side. Where that is rooted, how it manifests and what it means. 

I am a new submissive and an ex- vanilla victim of emotional abuse and misuse of power in intimate relationship. I was in a long term relationship with a narcissist which was very damaging.

I feel there is scope in kink to explore this and apply the same insight and impact into the relationships that form between people. 

Be it kink or vanilla a power imbalance/ dynamic that is not clear / consensual has massive potential for misuse and abuse. 

For example should  New/ inexperienced top or bottom enter into an arrangement without realising the full impact of what they are getting into then they open themselves up to a whole new approach which may seem all unicorns 🦄  and rainbows 🌈 or chains and whips (whatever your preference) at the beginning but the risk of diving in too quick or making snap desisions can have lasting negative implications. 

As a result of the emotional abuse I suffered I have struggled to trust, to believe that my partner is being true to himself and me, that my ability to choose partners is flawed. 

However this was mitigated by the period of recovery I had after the abuse which gave me time to reflect on these things and come to some personal clarity about who I am and what I know that I need to feel fullly fulfilled in a relationship. 

The message I want to share is that we are all vulnerable and being in this community should not mask that vulnerability. We all have weaknesses we all have pasts and we are all human. 

This lifestyle promotes an open dialogue with openness and transparency and we should never be ashamed of who we are and what has made us who we are today. 

I want to feel proud of who I am today, flaws and all because those flaws and negative experiences made me and it is ‘because of’ not ‘ inspite of’ those things. 

I still get jealous and insecure and I will continue to battle those demons and I will overcome them as you will if you have them. 

Without the dark there is no light. 



Fire 🔥 


It highlights the need for communication throughout. Just because you or others have had negative experiences in the past does not mean that these should be repeated.

Personally, I think the best way of avoiding this is to be open and communicate about it, and I think any respectable Dom (or any other partner for that matter) will and should have enough understanding and empathy to understand that we all take slightly different routes on our journeys. This difference is what makes us unique and interesting to each other.

So to paraphrase what you said yourself; "Be proud of who you are and where you have come from" - This is what makes you unique.

Beautiful, Fire xx
Fire, you have spoken from you're heart on this and it was something I had assumed, so I'm glad you spoke out about it..if not only for the purpose of understanding the paths you've been on which quite understandably will present barriers that only the toughest will overcome...I have every faith that you're without doubt one of those people...leaving those situations is commendable in itself but growing beyond yourself is something that needs acknowledge too. You're the epitome of the person you are hun, and with the right people around you, you will soar beautifully. I'm not blowing roses out of your ass here (well, maybe just a little ;)) but damn girl, keep the path your on...because in that darkness...you're not working toward the light, YOU are the light xxxxx best wishes for the journey ahead huni and much luvs and respect too xxxx ❤❤

Wonderful Fire...the inner quality and strength you have shown to sit and write that is so commendable..Life has the inate way of throwing the occasional"curve ball"at us from time to time...the courage to stand up and and take hope from any given situation, find the good from the bad and keep your eyes firmly on the future is a testament to your inner self...and i may add the care and quality of the building relationship you and Mr C have growing between you is in no doubt a great place to be in....and will be your guiding light in moments of darkness....x

Thanks for writing this firewitch , i am glad the abuse is behind you , Best Wishes
Brilliantly written Fire

I’m so touched by your comments, thank you and it completely confirms to me that this Is the right place and the right time for me. I feel very very lucky 🍀 

girl you are amazing ..and best of all your mine. C
Amazing. Thank you for posting this, your honestly awesome. X
You made me cry firewitch, i have walked that same road as you so know personally your pain and struggle. Woman like you are the reason I can hold my head high. You walk with your head held high an don't ,want to, but do feel proud of who you are. You, hiney are amazing x

We have been through the same experience from the past Fire. I am so happy that you have found a Sir that understands, helps and supports you in your recovery 

Fire, thank you for your honesty and for being you

i've actually found it hard to find anyone in the BDSM community that is open to intimacy. not in a sexual way but in a way where there is intimacy outside of anything and everything sexual. i do wonder about why that is.