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EreshkigaI

When does the BDSM talk end and the abuse begins?

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EreshkigaI
Posted (edited)

I have been in a relationship with a guy for a while now, a sadist as he claims to be, and being a masochist he thought a good way to punish me was to act like I've done something wrong and leave me to think about it until the punishment came. However, I've been noticing that he has been constantly "disappointed" in me recently and insulting me very often, always telling me I did something wrong even though I have no recollection of doing anything that might have upset him. He also likes to laugh at my suffering when I try to vent to him about my past (I suffer from PTSD, severe depression, and many other things). I might be a masochist but I'm not into mental suffering.Is this kind of thing normal in these relationships? Or am I being abused? I always feel like he's trying to make my mental instability worse and worse.

Edited by EreshkigaI
Posted
The only thing that is normal is ‘what feels right for you’. If something feels wrong, uncomfortable or like you’re being pushed too far then you need to stop it. Either say something or walk away but you don’t need to ask us if it’s right or not, you already know it’s not. People who don’t really know about bdsm think Subs are weak but we’re actually extremely strong & also equal to our Doms as without us they would not have the honour & respect of someone calling them ‘sir’. They earn our submission, it is our gift to them, not just theirs to take & use! If you are feeling like he’s making you worse, then he IS making you worse. Don’t ever allow anyone to treat you with anything except respect. Any pain humiliation etc should be mutual. So take a step back, take a deep breath & take back that control! Your are soooo strong to get thru the things that you have so don’t let someone destroy all of that hard work! Xx
  • Like 7
Carnelian2
Posted (edited)

Without knowing the full story of your relationship, it does sound like some kind of balance is missing.

Also, we might like various aspects of BDSM, but this is consensual with limits hopefully agreed. I do not know if you have had a conversation about those.

If not, it sounds like it would be a good time. Remember, you have the power and freedom to walk away if it does not fulfill your needs. This is the same as in any relationship 

Edited by Carnelian2
Separation of “if” and “it”
  • Like 3
eyemblacksheep
Posted

you are being abused. yes.

 

  • Like 3
PatientTraveller
Posted

BigPolly makes two very good points:

1) Take back control and take a breath, google BDSM verses ABUSE and you'll find some simple graphics with the images...you know see the difference.

2) Respect is one of the four pillars of a BDSM relationship / dynamic, if you can not be certain of this from your partner or sense that your loosing this within yourself, then it is no longer BDSM...this connects to Carnelian2...you sense, feel or know an imbalance.

Nobody should mock or make fun of any personal issues (unless that is what your like and want), Dom's do have a responsibility to their pay attention to their subs, if you feel that you are getting worst and your Dom is not pay attention, you should simply take a break and consider if the relationship is something you need (please keep in mind there is a difference between "want" and "need").

I don't know the details of you BDSM relationship, yet punishments are not usually delivered with a submissive guessing what they have done wrong, submissive usually know what they did wrongs or they are educated as to what has been done wrong...even if your are forgetful, your Dom should be sharing and communicating what you did wrong.

***

Take back control, take deep breaths and relax; then think about what you want and need...if your Dom can not be there for you, is it worth giving your Dom your gift. Like any relationship you have rights and deserve respect.

 

  • Like 3
Posted (edited)

The NCSF summed it up best: "If it's not consensual, it's not BDSM." The question is, do you consent to this behavior? Was it discussed and you aware this was a possible outcome to specific behavior? If the answer is no, than you might be being abused, psychologically. However, only you can answer for yourself; as outside perspectives, no one else is going to know the full situation you are in to answer for you. Googling "BDSM versus abuse" and also "signs of domestic/psychological abuse" is a good place to start.

Edited by Cade
  • Like 4
EreshkigaI
Posted

I always try to talk to him about how it all makes me feel, but he doesn't show any sort of remorse, and he continues to do it until I feel suicidal over it. Then he stops, makes me feel better, and continues until I feel awful again.

  • Like 3
Posted

Woahhhhh then he is ‘controlling you’ & nothing to with BDSM. The good thing is you must be so strong as you can recognise this. Keep you head held high & tell him ‘no more!!!’ 

You know what you want as a Sub & this isn’t it. Imagine how amazing your gift will be to the right Dom. Take that gift & give it to someone who deserves it. A Dom will always make you feel amazing be it thru love, pain, play etc it will always feel like an amazing drug NOT feeling you feeling so low you question yourself! 

And let him say what he wants to you, just smile & walk away because you know & we all know you are soooo much better than anything he tries to convince you of.

only you can decide what to do but you already know this isn’t right, this is awful abuse. Stay strong & do what’s right for you Xx

  • Like 5
Carnelian2
Posted

I agree with what BigPolly says; Abusive behaviour has no place anywhere. Mutual respect does. The way you describe it, portrays him as a bully. Bullies are weak individuals, who hide behind posture and inappropriate behaviour. You should not waste your time on him. One day, he may realise his shortcomings but so be it.

  • Like 3
PatientTraveller
Posted

Quote

"I always try to talk to him about how it all makes me feel, but he doesn't show any sort of remorse, and he continues to do it until I feel suicidal over it. Then he stops, makes me feel better, and continues until I feel awful again." 

End quote

 

There are mind games and mind fucks in BDSM, but what you are sharing, this is not either one... This is straight forward "control" using negative reinforcement and only a bully would apply this...BigPolly and Carnelian2 have said the same.

This simply a case of straight exit, you need a Dom that understands responsibility of being a Dom and know the value of a relationship...get out, move on and find a Dom that is worthy of your gift...

BDSM is a journey, each is unique, but the goal is to grow and flourish.

There are elements such as being tamed and broken, but never ever to destroy or weaken.

 

  • Like 4
Posted
From someone that was in an abusive D/s relationship I can tell you that if you're questioning if it's abuse then it probably is. By questioning how he is treating you, you're making yourself aware of the fact that this isn't consensual. If he can't treat you with the respect you deserve not only as a sub and a partner but as a human being then I'm sorry to say he doesn't deserve you. No one should be driven to the point of suicide, that's not what any dynamic or relationship should be about and that is nothing more than bullying. You are giving him this amazing gift and he needs to recognise that. I think PatientTraveller had it right, you need to leave and find someone who respects what you're giving him x
  • Like 6
EreshkigaI
Posted

Thank you all for your responses! (: I really appreciate it.

  • Like 3

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