Super long: married "dom" needs help

[TheHistorian]

***** Trigger warning: Mentions of alcoholism, drug taking and depression *****

I am a 34 year old male who has been married for 15 years to a 33 year old woman. I am the only person she has ever been with (I actually believe this and Im not a very trusting person) however, I am also a piece of shit and I have been with many others before and during our marriage. She doesn't know of any of these and it would absolutely ruin her in nearly every way. We have a 5 year old daughter who is the light of my life but is the embodiment of all of my wifes depression. This post may end up being very long, rambling and I hope deep. I truly love my wife and she deserves so much more then the human being I am but I want to try. 

We met early, dated for nearly a year and then I joined the military. After another year of long distance dating we decided to get married after having never lived with each other before. We lived in several places while I was in the military and it was generally pretty fun and good. During this time though, her dad died in a pretty horrific way while she was 1,000 miles away. I don't believe she ever forgave me for having to tell her or for being so far away. She became more and more depressed over the years but it wasn't terrible. I got deployed and became a completely different person for nearly 6 years. Dependent on *** medication and alcohol. Generally a depressed asshole but no where near violent or a "man". Come up to 2011 and I ask her for a divorce, something we talked about off and on for many years. Her response to that was to tell me she was pregnant. Of course it was true and she gave birth in 2012. I love my daughter and will go to the ends of the earth for this girl, however it drove my wife further away. We stayed together because of the pregnancy but it caused my wifes depression to get worse because my daughter is a mirror image of her dad. Our marriage has been the absolute worst it ever was during all of 2017. At this point I realized my drinking and the medications for my PTSD were causing more damage then good and I got off all medications (Over 17 pills a day). This took the vast majority of the summer of 2017 and it got to where my wife and I were at each others throats nearly every second of every day. Some of it was me but her depression had gotten so bad that the majority of it was her. 

My daughter is a BRILLIANT and outgoing girl. I mean she is by far the best student in every subject in her classes despite being a year younger then nearly everyone. She grew a shell that never existed before, she called me out daily saying I was being mean to mommy by making her cry and she put me to the screws. She didn't mean to but she is a 5 year old who doesn't have a filter and I love her for it. I realized the fights weren't really my fault as my wife was starting nearly all of them, but I made them worse by not walking away or not allowing her to vent. I became angry again and started smoking marijuana to calm down. I now am back to the 19-21 year old me (Pre deployment) who has a VERY positive outlook at life. My daughter still needs help breaking down some of the shell she had to put up because of my wife and I but she is getting better. My wife, she wasn't. She was getting worse. I gave her an ultimatum in January that she needed to see a therapist (Something she resisted for 10 years) or I would leave her. I was almost to the point that I was willing to work with her family to get her on a 72 hour hold. She has nearly ZERO self confidence and has gone from a 6 foot 115 pound woman to 265 pounds and it has made her feel worse. She has little to no drive to do anything to help herself in life that has small challenges. She is seeing a therapist and I am working on the home life.

We have cursory experimented with anal (fingering only), BDSM (ropes once or twice) and other little things but never really tried anything. She hasn't enjoyed sex a whole lot since her dad died (11 years ago) and its mostly I think because she cant relax. Our sex life has been pretty terrible and that's why I have been with so many others (I am an asshole, I agree and will accept all shit thrown at me). After months (Sorta years) of discussions we have finally started to set an agreement in place to help. Its very hard to get her to open up about anything because she gets embarrassed, uncomfortable and just generally hostile; yet I know she enjoys these things. I finally got her to admit that she likes it when she is dominated and she believes she may want it more often. I actually believe she craves this because nearly every single sexual encounter I can think of in the past 5 or so years, the ones where she is actually into it is the ones in which im pushing her to her limits. So in my post VA induced drug coma I realized with clarity that my wife needs a DADDY, although she is VERY MUCH against this word. She needed a real man around, someone she can trust, rely on and sometimes tell her what to do because she doesn't have the confidence in her own choices. If I ask her to try something I usually get a tepid response, when I tell her to do it she rarely denies me. 

The past 3 weeks we have started to get deeper into the physical part of this relationship and out of just talking about it. She still doesn't open up about most things and I have to *** her to do it. It causes some small bickering sometimes but I feel its important for me to understand crystal clear what she needs, likes or doesn't like. Our agreement is that she will never tell me no unless its physically harmful to her. We will never use ***, however she is supposed to accept a small amount in order to facilitate certain things (Anal seems to be the first on the list). She also understands that the eventual goal of this is for me to have absolute control over her body. I want to free her up to allow her mind to open up and for her to be happy. I may have said this before and I will probably say this again. I 100% believe she NEEDS this. That she is so wound up from our physical relationship being shitty for nearly 15 years that she not only wants to please me in any way I so choose but that I can please her in ways she has never thought of. History is on my side with this as well. My wife has never complained about a single encounter with me as the dominant person in our 15 years of marriage. I understand her body better then she does and I think she understands that. That her obstacles with me and in our bedroom are 100% mental. 

ANYWAY.... That's the life story and this is the sex part that I need help with.

We have used the ropes to just loosely tie her hands together and she has gotten used to them that after 2 times she has expressed interest in more. She specifically mentioned one going over her chest to bound her arms together. I believe she liked the time I pushed her over and instead of taking her shirt off I just grabbed it, ***d her arms together and wrapped them up while I was fucking her. However, I don't want to do the same thing over again. We have progressed to a butt plug longer and thicker then my dick (I am just under 7" and im quite thick) but she still hasn't said shes ok with anal. (this is something we agreed I need permission to do before hand but its basically the only thing). She still is having some problems listening to simple commands in the bedroom and had a breakdown when I told her to lay her head down instead of pleasing me with her mouth. I wanted her to calm down and didn't want her to think she had to please me if she wasn't calm and relaxed. It took a bit of convincing but these are the sort of issues we have right now. She is still very strong willed but she is learning and giving into this better then I thought. Her metal mood when around me is amazing the past week or 2. I have not introduced anything "new" yet but have expanded on small things we have done before. Like progressing from fingering to a butt plug or from loose straps to tighter binds. She is more adamant about pleasing me to the point that she now becomes wet by simply giving me oral. This improvement is amazing. Her getting wet without me touching her hasn't happened very often in the past 10 years (maybe 5-10 times). She had so much confidence in her body (That she hates with a passion but I still love) that she sent me some of the sexiest pics ive seen since I was deployed. She also put a chain around her neck in one of the pics which is her way of telling me that she is mine. This brings me to another issue though, she wants nothing around her throat. So despite her telling me that, she send me pics of her in a ***r and chain. 

So.... that was super rambling and I didn't get many things out there I wanted to.

TLDR: I just need help. I need to please this woman and this agreement we have has been fucking outstanding to me as well. I need to get my wife from a super buttoned up depressed shell to 100% submissive in every way. She wants it as well but isn't willing to talk about it for reasons she cant explain yet.

[BigPolly]

I’m not going to lie, to go from a virtual sexless marriage to what you’re doing now is incredible. Ok so what about simple things like using a vibrator on her, stopping before she cums so that you have control of that. Maybe tie her to a door where she can see herself in a mirror so that it helps with her confidence issues. Getting her to play with herself under your command so she gets used to her own body. Let her pleasure you with her mouth, when you cum make her hold it in her mouth until you allow her to swallow. I know you said no *** but a short sharp sting of a horse whip is an amazing feeling. Maybe give her a daily task to do when you’re not around so she starts to feel naughty & confident on her own again. Maybe when she has more confidence how about a surprise trip to a fetish club

[TheHistorian]

Thank you for the tips. I suppose an issue arises when we both work, get off and take care of our daughter and then after she is in bed we start. That is generally how it goes. I Will see if I can figure something out along those lines. Work within our schedule. The no *** thing is a hard limit. No *** in any form. She is not comfortable with it at all and I'm not sure I am either 

[Mac-101]

I know the problem with the schedule! I have done tickets for date nights and then once changed one to 'play date' in a couple of days with a time, place and specified outfit. Turns out she loved it! It fixed a time slot in both our heads which is difficult as you say with work and kids. Hardly spontaneous but after years of marriage and kids....