Advice on fetishes and marriage

[Deleted Member]

Hi,  I was hoping you guys could help me get some insight and give me some tips on marriage and fetishes. 

I'm a happily (yes really) married man and father of a great kid. Got a pretty good life to be honest. 

As long as I can remember I have had a rich sexual curiosity. I remember being very aroused from playing with my butt even before I really knew what masturbating was. During puberty and my early teens I learned i get aroused by powerful woman and giving up a little control. That combined with my love for anal pushed me to pegging and fisting. I like more than that but it is my go to fetish. 

I also have a pretty high libido. 

My wife on the other hand has a very low libido and isn't really into anything but missionary. And even that isn't something thats high on her list of priority list. She does other stuff and even enjoys it from time to time but mostly she does It for me. Sometimes she's so stressed out lovemaking hurts her physically because she gets very dry, even though I really try to make it about her. 

She knows about my fetishes and needs and she has accepted that part of me and even used a strap on and toys once or twice. 

The thing is, it does nothing for her. She gets no pleasure whatsoever from pegging or power play or whatever. Even "regular" intimacy isn't something she needs all that often. I don't enjoy the sex as much as I used to because I sometimes get the feeling she hates it or wants it to be over. For a long time I felt angry and frustrated because even though she said she's just a little afraid of regular intercourse because it hurts (Because I'm big according to her) she wouldn't even try anything else that might spark her fire in return. 

We've had lots of arguments and stress about it in the past but always kept talking about it.

At this point in my life I realized something though.. For her it's equally hard to start to like MY fetishes as it is for me to stop having them. This has given me a lot of peace and our sex life has improved a little, although not in frequency.

We don't argue about it anymore but we aren't really happy with it either.

We both feel like we want and need to improve our sex life but we don't know where to start. She doesnt get arroused easily and still doesn't think about sex a lot. I am pretty frustrated from time to time and feel sad that I cant share that part of me with her.

About the pegging and stuff, I told her everything about what drives me and what I like. She says she feels like an object when she uses a strap on. Like she's just a glorified vibrator. We've tried watching porn and I've bought her a book about how some people like to be dominant, even though they never knew that until they tried. 

She just shoots down most of the things I've tried and if I talk about it too much she gets angry. If I wait for "the right time" with is once a year, maybe, we can talk about the subject but that's it.  Yesterday she said she thinks we need to talk to someone about this but she doesn't really want to. It's scary. She also said she thinks she maybe just needs to talk to someone who can show her another point of view or help her understand what it's about.

I do really love her and leaving her just isn't an option. I know she feels the same but she's afraid this will eventually drive a wedge between us. 

Long story short, we do have some work to do but don't know how and where to start. I hoped some of you can give me some advice or something.

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long read... Apparently I needed to vent a little.

Michael. 

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

Hi Michael - I’m more than happy to talk to you if you want. I’ve been married for 17 years - may give you a few ideas. Feel free to pm me

[VictoriaBlisse]

Michael, 

This sounds like a really tough situation to be in. Just a few things that jump to mind as I read about your situation. 

1, Do you ask her what she wants? What she's interested in? What gets her excited? 

2, Would couples therapy be useful for you both? To discuss this. It is clearly something that needs addressing for you both to really be happy 

3, If she has problems with lubrication, do you use lube with sex play? Do you do a lot of foreplay? Can that happen without PIV sex being the end? A lot of sex is mental. When that is unlocked the physical often follows suit. 

 

Hope you manage to work it out. 

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, VictoriaBlisse said:

Michael, 

This sounds like a really tough situation to be in. Just a few things that jump to mind as I read about your situation. 

1, Do you ask her what she wants? What she's interested in? What gets her excited? 

2, Would couples therapy be useful for you both? To discuss this. It is clearly something that needs addressing for you both to really be happy 

3, If she has problems with lubrication, do you use lube with sex play? Do you do a lot of foreplay? Can that happen without PIV sex being the end? A lot of sex is mental. When that is unlocked the physical often follows suit. 

 

Hope you manage to work it out. 

Hi, thank you for your reply. 

 

1. Yes i asked her. She told me about some things that get her going, but unless she is already in the mood  they don't work. 

2. Well yes it would , we talked about that a few times already, but she used to be a little held back about it because she had some therapy as a teen and it was an intense experience for her. After our talk last week she seems to be more open about it though. We are waiting for some info for therapy for exactly the issues we are having. She seems to be willing to go for her and us, not just for me, so thats great! 

3. the thing is we only have lubrications issues when she's not in the mood but merely trying to keep me happy. If it has been a while since we where intimate she will somtimes act like shes turned on but really isn't. I hate it when she does that, even though it's kind of sweet she wants to keep me happy. I love foreplay of all kinds, but she doesn't and gets bored sometimes, no matter what i try. I dont need PIV, i love it, but just some "Foreplay stuff" is nice as well, even an orgasm isn't a requirement for me. If we have sex and i can't orgasm she's usually the one who gets upset. For her sex is either "an hour of slightly passionate but not too passionate kissing" followed by PIV and me reaching an orgasm, or me licking her followed by PIV and my orgasm. during the PIV it feels like she will do stuff to make me come asap so its over. 

 

About the mental stuff, we both agree that's the mayor issue. She very rarely thinks about anything concerning sex. And when she does, she often gets sidetracked by work/housework/kids/the way our cat looks at her/... The only thing that always gets her going is porn, but as stated above, ONLY when she it already a bit in the mood. 

 

 

Edited March 15, 2018 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, MissHeels said:

Hi Michael - I’m more than happy to talk to you if you want. I’ve been married for 17 years - may give you a few ideas. Feel free to pm me

Thank you for trying to help!

[PatientTraveller]

There is a dominant theme here, the sexual side. In a marriage there is a lot of work and a danger of one partner carrying more than the other and worst not being appreciated, this can lead to either one of you not being in the mood.

Have look and see if things are balanced, if your partners mood is related to being appreciated, we all do a lot in life and it does sap out energy and it becomes easy to get side tracked.

Then have a look and see what make your partner feel sexy in herself, maybe she wants some romance or to be pampered, after all it is a give and take...you know what you want, do you know what she wants?

Not sure if I writing this right or getting the message across, but have a look and see what she needs and wants non-sexually, maybe she needs more emotional stimulation and mental stimulation, to feel wanted and appreciated...to have energy and be in the mood.

Like aftercare, she may be feeling like a walking vibrator/dildo after pegging you for your needs, have you considered what she needs to feel less like an object or a thing, we all need some kind of feed back, some way to feel connected with ourselves and others when in relationships.

Please note that I am not saying your are selfish or focusing in one direct, just sharing that there is a lot more to consider when your in a marriage and it easy to skate over elements in a relationship when time gets consumed by other areas of life.

Good luck with the therapy.