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quietlysure

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Posted

This life isn't for me. Whilst i have been Dom a couple of times it released a dark side, which at the time both the women and i enjoyed, but after which i was left with a sense of disgust at myself for this loss of control and for forcing my desires on others. How can you embrace something which makes you feel this way? In truth my feelings for equality far outweigh any desire for control. I do enjoy kink or whatever you wish to call it, but how can anyone who is happy to take a backseat in a crowd, and not get involved be accepted as a desirable prospect? Not just as a Dom, but as a partner worthy of interest.

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Posted

I think there is a lot of self -reflection and moderation with kink. For those taking a dominant role and those submissive. 

Control is a big part of D/s and not just of the Dom over the sub. For every individual involved they make a decision on how much control they're taking or handing over. Where their limits lie. 

It's not for everyone, that's true. But there is a lot to learn about yourself when indulging in BDSM.

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Posted
loss of control and for forcing my desires on others?? this is not what it should be...
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Posted
Loss of control is unfortunately on you... Yes there are Dom / Sub / Rapeplay / Little kinks. But respect and trust should always be at the forefront of any relationship / sexual encounter... From both men and women who assume either the Sub / Dom role... Talking about sex, wants, needs, desires should always happen prior to two people getting intimate and if at any point (especially for males I think) you become a raging testosterone fuelled monster - you gota know when to lay off... Always try and put yourself in the other persons headspace and imagine what they are experiencing... That’s my thoughts on your topic anyway.
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insertany
Posted
sounds to me like you jumped into some thing that you did not fully understand. I do hope the other party has not been put off because of this. but don't beat yourself up about it, I admire your honesty.
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Posted

I guesss what im trying to ask is it normal to feel low after play, or is it just me, overworrying as usual, or my phobias kicking in?

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callipygian
Posted

I also admire your honesty and think it is a great point of discussion - control - loss of and your 'phobias'

From what I have read - it depends on how 'out of control' you feel - do you feel you have a way to reel it in to any degree?
You said both you and your partners enjoyed it at the time - and assuming it was consensual?  - i dont see a reason for you to feel that disgusted especially if you could control it more to a degree.  Have you discussed it with your partner/s - find their angle  / perspective - see where they see it as crossing the barriers.......

 

Loads of thing could be said.
I'd be happy to discuss phobias and anxieties further if you like -have experienced them and had much counselling t'boot about them  - feel i definitely came out the other side a more aware and able individual.
 

SirPhileasFlogg
Posted
About a year ago, I spanked a girl for the first time. It was very intense and I was convinced when I woke up the following morning that she was getting ready to report me to the police. In fact, I even thought about going to the Police Station myself to give a statement before they come looking for me. I then spent then next 3-4 days in what felt like depression. Oh the guilt I felt.... Then we talked, in length.... and although she was no more experienced than I was at the time, she managed to make me see that I was just experiencing a drop. That it was normal and that she'd enjoyed herself beyond what I could comprehend. In time it got better, the guilt went away as I was constantly thanked, for days on end, every time I played with someone. It gets better if you manage to embrace it, communicate with the people you play with both before and afterwards. Having said all that, it isn't for everyone I will admit. Wish you the best of luck x
Posted

every experiences are differents as we are all different. So to answer your question there is no normality, for me I feel good, pump up like if i run or done exercise in the gym. As I spend time with the sub" going out" of the session there is no bad or disgusted feeling, but the oposite.

then again it could be some deep psychologic underlay with your issue....

eyemblacksheep
Posted
4 hours ago, quietlysure said:

I guesss what im trying to ask is it normal to feel low after play, or is it just me, overworrying as usual, or my phobias kicking in?

Yes. This isn't abnormal.

A lot of Doms get different forms of drops as well as sub-drop and there may be reflection as part of this ("did I really enjoy that?" etc)

Here's a point for you, in terms of "forcing your desires on others" - were they willing? Did they consent? If so, then no problem.  There's a lot you can do in talking - I think this is flirting a little bit with CNC and that can be tricky especially if you're new or building experience.

Did you enjoy it at the time and in theory want to do it again?  If so, maybe next time work from a whitelist - let the sub specifically tell you what you can do and work within those boundaries while building confidence.  Talk with them afterwards both as part of aftercar for them and your own confidence and development.

Of course, it may be things are not for you - and that's OK, it's all part of learning.  A lot of people in this lifestyle do things because they feel they have to rather than it being the direction they wish to go.  You can learn from that also.

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Posted

My 2 phobias dont help,  but i suppose when i meet the one, in whatever form, things will change

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eyemblacksheep
Posted

what are your phobias?

Posted

But yes i did enjoy it, i imagine its because im usually quite and caring, but discovering what i call my dark side scared me

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Posted

I think I know how you feel. My ex turned to me and basically said for the next week I'll do anything you tell me and let you do anything you want.

And after the week ended I looked back on it and believed I had gone to far but when talking to her she told me she loved all of it.

Talk to her and ask if she thought you went to far, communication is key.

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