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Recently I came into contact with a man that I think tried to be a Dom but it fell closer to being controlling/abusive. Fortunately, before pursuing anything further I reached out to a couple of trusted people that may know how to handle the situation and give me some tips. One of the things mentioned was that any “good” Dom would allow a sub to ask questions and would build a trusting relationship before going forward. What are some other tips to sorting out the “good” vs “bad”. Eventually, I would like to date and get married again and I want to make sure I don’t fall into the trap of finding the wrong one again. ☺️😉

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Posted
A Sub is totally equal to a Dom & should never be made to feel otherwise. Giving a Dom control over you is your gift to them & in return they will always look after you. Trust, Respect & Communication are the key things as well as the ability to laugh a lot. You must always feel comfortable enough to be able to say No at any time or question anything. If someone talks to you privately on here then trust your instincts & if they send you a dick pic within the first 2minutes it usually means they haven’t a clue & are a desperado. A Dom can’t be a Dom without your powerful gift of submission so always make sure you know that & never do anything that makes you uncomfortable or uneasy or brings you upset or anxiety & never let anyone say to you ‘you should let me because I’m your Sir’ or ‘I have the right to do that’’ etc ☺️
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Posted

@MsCurious87

I’m glad to hear you managed to avoid what was a potentially damaging situation with a controlling/abusive man who was not what I would call a genuine Dom. So here are some tips that I would keep in mind when exploring and trying to find yourself a genuine Dominant and sort the “good” from the “bad”.

Being a good Dominant for me is about working towards and fulfilling every desire that both I and my submissive have. For me it's about my desire to control, direct actions, activities and also to take away the responsibility and confusion of choice and free will from my submissive when consent is given to do this. In terms or the relationship it's about forming a relationship that is open, honest, understanding, caring and non-judgemental but above all nurturing and beneficial. This helps us both grow together as people (both inner spiritual development as well as more vanilla life development) and become the very best we can be with each other and apart. It is my responsibility to not only fulfill my submissive, but to care for her, protect her from harm, to watch over and direct her growth and support her in every aspect of her life.

Every Dom is different and has a different style and we are no where near as prosaic or similar as many would assume. As part of my nature I am a nurturer who seeks to nurture, train and help others (not only subs) if they seek help, advice or training, but being Dominant isn't as easy as most people would have you believe and even for naturally Dominant men and women perfecting the art of being a good Dom is a constant work in progress. Every sub a Dom encounters will naturally have different needs and teach you different things about yourself. A good Dom know's that learning about yourself and others is a constant and evolving process that never stops and will be happy to let you talk to other sub’s and Dom’s to learn more about the BDSM, Kink and Fetish world; so asking questions of both your Dom and others is  vital part of your learning curve and training as a submissive.

Here's a little food for thought that explains what I consider to be the foundations of any good BDSM relationship I enter into and you should keep this in mind when looking for and choosing a new potential Dom/Master/Daddy.

For me the four tenets of everything I do in the BDSM world are as follows:
1 – Consent
2 – Honesty
3 – Respect
4 – Trust


These are the four pillars upon which I base the foundations of every relationship I form, whether that be with other submissive types or other Dominant types.


1 – Consent is the number one priority to give as a submissive and to accept as a Dominant.


2 – Honesty is the next priority, as without honesty I cannot get to know, but more importantly understand another submissive or Dom and vice versa.


3 – After honesty has been achieved and reciprocated naturally comes respect and this respect must always be worked at to be maintained in all aspect of any relationship; both as a Dominant towards a Submissive and as a submissive towards a Dominant.


4 – Only once the first three steps are in place have you earned the trust of a Dominant or submissive and it is this trust upon which good and lasting relationships are formed. Once you have trust then limits and boundaries can be explored safely and fantasies or new ideas be shared, accepted and expressed.

In the context of D/s relationships the word “No”, is vital for both Dominants and submissives and neither should be shy of using the word. and it is here that BigPolly and I agree completely when she says:

1 hour ago, BigPolly said:

A Sub is totally equal to a Dom & should never be made to feel otherwise. Giving a Dom control over you is your gift to them & in return they will always look after you. Trust, Respect & Communication are the key things as well as the ability to laugh a lot. You must always feel comfortable enough to be able to say No at any time or question anything. If someone talks to you privately on here then trust your instincts & if they send you a dick pic within the first 2minutes it usually means they haven’t a clue & are a desperado. A Dom can’t be a Dom without your powerful gift of submission so always make sure you know that & never do anything that makes you uncomfortable or uneasy or brings you upset or anxiety & never let anyone say to you ‘you should let me because I’m your Sir’ or ‘I have the right to do that’’ etc ☺️

Remember that as a submissive, YOU hold all the power, for without the consent of a sub to submit to us, us Dom's would simply be fantasists with no actual subs. So anytime a Dom makes you feel uncomfortable or gives of vibes that you don't like, talk to them about it and if you cannot resolve the feelings you are having then simply move on and find a Dom who is worthy of your submission.

Now that may sound odd to many when talking about Dom’s but far too often in the past I have seen Dominants in D/s relationships with submissives who are not well matched. In these types of situations a submissive may want to take pain and torture much further than the Dominant is prepared for or can handle. Remember not all Dominants are 100% sadists - or what I would call extreme sadists – and often even Dominants have their limits of where they draw the line. In a case where a submissive wants more from a Dominant than they are comfortable to give then saying no is vital. It may upset the submissive or make them angry that you will not take things as far as they wish, but saying no can avoid burn-out and emotional distress that can ruin any good Dominant and cause them to retreat from the lifestyle and D/s relationships in general. There is nothing quite so sad as seeing a fellow Dom who has been pushed too far by a submissive, not felt comfortable saying no and setting his or her own boundaries and is then left full of self-loathing and regret.


For submissives saying no is every bit as vital, especially when meeting or getting to know new potential Dominants. Saying no sets your boundaries out firmly from the get go and let’s the Dominants know what you are and are not prepared to engage in and where you real interest lie. This is also a good test of a new Dominant, as a good Dom will respect the word no, whereas a more dangerous or fake Dom will push or attempt to circumvent the “No”, and turn it into a yes. Not every submissive will want to experience the great wealth of different toys or types of play many Dom’s would like to explore with them and in this context saying no is a form of empowering your consent and ability to consent to the type of play you are comfortable with.


Now on the flip side how do you deal with being told “no”, and the rejection that comes with that? Well firstly if you are being told no or turned down as a potential partner then fear not; not everyone that we meet will like or resonate with us. Just because someone has turned down your advances towards them, doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong, or indeed that there is anything wrong with you as a person, it simply means that you are not right for that particular person and that is fine because there will be many other people you will be right for. No matter how attractive in physical form or mind anyone is there will always be a spectrum of likeability and some people will lean more towards attraction and positive results and some will lean more towards the negative, but that’s normal and natural.


If you are in a relationship whether it’s Vanilla or BDSM themed and your partner say’s no to something, then the onus is on you to respect their decisions and wishes, to go no further with what you have asked of them and not to pressure them to comply if they are not comfortable with the request. The trick is not to take this personally as more often than not this type of “no” or rejection is about the person who has said no and what they either like or feel comfortable with and has little to do with the person they are saying no to and as such this should not be taken negatively; instead this should be taken as a positive because you have simply found another limit or boundary safely without running the risk of taking things to far in any type of scenario or play session.

I hope some of the above may help steer you clear of the fakes, pretenders and outright abusers who hide behind the mask of being a Dominant and good luck on the rest of your journey, I hope it's as safe as it is fun and fulfilling.

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