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Stoic

New dom trying to understand/accomodate.

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Stoic
Posted

So, I've met a lovely young woman and I truly do enjoy her company. I brought her home and we had very disappointing time in bed (mainly frustrating for both of us.) I thought it was too drunk/too hot (temperature in room), bad diet, etc... but no. On the second night she came home with me, she told me she is into bruising and being dominated. I was shook up at first, but as I considered it I realized I always got rougher when I was aroused and wondered if I could get aroused when I was rougher with a girl. I asked her to show me how to hit her, smack her, hold her throat etc... She JUST melted. I was aroused. I was hooked. 

I'm only able to keep going (orgasm) when I know a woman is turned on to a high degree. If they don't enjoy it, I can't. Now that I know what she wants and enjoy giving it to her we have no problems.


At first we only did throat holding, etc. I was able to make her get off this way. After that she showed me how to hit her in the face... I was able to get hard because of how much she enjoyed it. I found I enjoy it also. I now can't wait to get my hands on her and I really can't get enough of dominating her. I'm still new to talking about it so forgive me if my description is not completely accurate as far as terminology and description. 

Where I've gotten stuck: She likes bruising. I like that she likes that. She takes pics of her bruises and is fascinated by them. No one would ever do this for her but me, I'm the first. I got her pretty good one night and she was sore/bruised all over, she loved it... I loved it. She then asked me to give her a black eye. 

The thing is, I'm concerned about going around with a woman with a black eye. I worry that people will think something is terribly wrong. I really want to do this, not only for her but for me... I know that as long as she is happy with the outcome, I will be too. I see her bruises now and I get turned on. Texts about how sore she is drive me NUTS.

I asked her "So we will be in (our bar) and you'll just be sitting at the table with your friends with a black eye?" She says "mhm" in a cute, nice way. "You'll just go to work with a black eye?" "mhm"

I'm the new one at the bar, she's been there a while. I'm the new friend in the group, they're her friends. She told her friend how I bruised her (the friend is aware of her kink) and the friend wouldn't make eye contact with me the entire night after finding out... 

I'm a genuinely good guy. I have tried my whole life to be a better man each day. I want to be all that she needs and I've told her I will do this, it will just take time. We've been together less than a week and spent every night exploring this, so far. I honestly don't want to prevent her from having a black eye if it is truly what she wants... I just don't want to lose all my new friends over it either.

My thought process is this: I'm a good man. She is going to get a black eye, one way or the other, from someone if not me. I would much rather take the responsibility for her safety/pleasure than let some other person (who knows what they'd be like?) do so. 


Can anyone offer advice on coping with friends/onlookers? Has anyone ever faced something similar? 

Hopefully you will all be supportive and instructional, rather than judgemental and condescending. I'm prepared to ignore many replies saying I'm not the one for the job, etc. I hope that none come, but knowing how the internet works I'm sure they will. Thanks to all those who stay within the scope of my question and offer information and resources that can help me and my submissive.

  • Like 2
Posted

Hello and welcome :) 

I commend you for asking the questions. It shows me that you care and are responsible. 

I think you really need to decide on your own limits. There's lots of talk about bottoms/subs having limits and it being important but it's important for a Dom/top to have their limits too. 

Never do anything you're not comfortable with.  

Discuss everything in length with her, explain your reticence. I think something so very visible and out there is risky, but also hitting someone so hard in the face is, clearly risky too. Not something I would personally advise. 

But communication is really important. And always trust your own instincts. 

  • Like 4
Posted
Hi Stoic, you wont find here judgmental or condescendant people. We are all in the same Room I would say, so as Victoria mention do lots of talks with your sub. and secondly people wll see that shes happy, I guess, when she is out in public with you, so they wont think you are an abuser. Believe me I saw women who are abused and they have a look into their eyes who doesnt show much affection for their abuser, there is sadness in them. So if your sub like the black eye and open bruises let her have it. I dont think her friend judging you, she just not comfortable witht the situation, its her friend but in the same time she doesnt understand her need as you do. We are a group apart, a bit weird and not normal for most of our friends out there. Go to a munch in your area and you will noticed the difference. As long as there is aftercare for every session you have, dont worry too much about what other think, and buy some arnica cream too regards FabSeverus
  • Like 2
Tyskiethebear
Posted
Excellent read, thanks! Perhaps you could show your subs friend, your post in this site. That person may then start to see your genuineness. She could validate this with your sub and allay her fears.....but then again, maybe she couldn't look at you because she wanted some too, right? 😁 Be proud, enjoy your journey, respect your sub. All the best.
  • Like 1
Stoic
Posted
3 hours ago, VictoriaBlisse said:

Hello and welcome :) 

I commend you for asking the questions. It shows me that you care and are responsible. 

I think you really need to decide on your own limits. There's lots of talk about bottoms/subs having limits and it being important but it's important for a Dom/top to have their limits too. 

Never do anything you're not comfortable with.  

Discuss everything in length with her, explain your reticence. I think something so very visible and out there is risky, but also hitting someone so hard in the face is, clearly risky too. Not something I would personally advise. 

But communication is really important. And always trust your own instincts. 

I haven't decided yet. But I do think you're right. Thing is, I have always just enjoyed seeing pleasure from women. If having a black eye makes her happy I wanna give her one. I just don't wanna be ousted from my new circle of friends because of it. (the bar) I realize that may seem petty, but this place is very special and I really enjoy going there and being with the people in the place. It's a VERY friendly bar and I know so many people there that it would be hard to replace.

We have discussed it in limited detail, I have asked a few questions, all of which she gladly answered. I will ask more, obviously. She is a GREAT communicator, and honestly, the answer to my prayers after so many relationships where that was lacking. (Not to compare, it's just that I KNOW what I want, and she is it.)

3 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

Hi Stoic, you wont find here judgmental or condescendant people. We are all in the same Room I would say, so as Victoria mention do lots of talks with your sub. and secondly people wll see that shes happy, I guess, when she is out in public with you, so they wont think you are an abuser. Believe me I saw women who are abused and they have a look into their eyes who doesnt show much affection for their abuser, there is sadness in them. So if your sub like the black eye and open bruises let her have it. I dont think her friend judging you, she just not comfortable witht the situation, its her friend but in the same time she doesnt understand her need as you do. We are a group apart, a bit weird and not normal for most of our friends out there. Go to a munch in your area and you will noticed the difference. As long as there is aftercare for every session you have, dont worry too much about what other think, and buy some arnica cream too regards FabSeverus

Not sure what a munch is, I think I know, but not sure. But neither of us are interested in groups... both too shy.

Aftercare is our favorite, she told me last night that I'm great at it. I'll take all your advice to heart.

I think you may be right. I'm scared that people will know I did it and wonder why,  but I bet they will believe whatever she tells them. I just don't know at all and it's a big leap to take, especially this soon getting to know her.

3 hours ago, Tyskiethebear said:

Excellent read, thanks! Perhaps you could show your subs friend, your post in this site. That person may then start to see your genuineness. She could validate this with your sub and allay her fears.....but then again, maybe she couldn't look at you because she wanted some too, right? 😁 Be proud, enjoy your journey, respect your sub. All the best.

It's a thought... or I could just have this conversation with her. It is her best friend after all. But I think it's not jealousy. As I hear it the girl is more dominant than submissive. I'm afraid that vanillas will never understand what she and I do, regardless of explanations. It's all way more passionate and loving than I ever realized. The aftercare, alone,  is amazing. I am so enjoying the time I spend with her that I really don't care what others think about it, beyond them thinking that I am abusing her (I'm not.) 

The others who denied her the chance to play out her fantasies were abusing her by denying her the chance to explore her own mind and body. It feels good to be the one to do that for her while at the same time exploring my sadistic side, which I always kept under tight lock and key.

  • Like 2
eyemblacksheep
Posted

I really want to give a longer answer - but - Doms have limits also : and sometimes finding a balance can be tricky.  You can draw the line at giving her a black eye or anything else.

It may be that this is something she really wants and so, in which case, it sadly may be that you're not overly compatible - but - see where else things can compromise.   It can work :)

  • Like 3
Posted
Wearing a mark or a badge in the form of a scar, bruises, bite marks or welts etc that your Dom has given you is a strangely lovely thing. I love knowing that in a vanilla world I can walk round a supermarket concealing a whole different world under my clothes & reminders of who I really am. You will see many profile photos on here of marks on subs which they are all proud to show off. The main thing as others have said is communication but also the other huge thing you must both have is Trust & Respect. If she is asking for marks & bruises to be made & you are willing, then you both must do it with the trust that marking her is totally consensual. There is a lot that goes on in our world that many will say ‘how can you let someone do that to you’ but we are the lucky ones who have found immense pleasure from those acts. Just remember only do what makes you both comfortable & it’s always ok to say ‘no’ & offer an alternative if you feel you are stepping away from your comfort zone.
  • Like 3
Posted
Also many subs/bottoms have to work towards things or tasks or punishments etc before receiving a reward or a collar etc. Maybe you could suggest working towards more visible bruising which gives you both something to build up to & extends the time so you get to know each other better.
  • Like 3
Posted
If its something you guys really wanted to do maybe you could make a deal that youll do it, but invest in a really good concealer to cover the marks so you dont get the backlash off friends?
MsJax
Posted

You also need to consider how you can do this without causing lasting or permanent damage..its not as easy as just throwing a punch..she may move at the actual point of impact and the punch misses it's target and hits a nose or cheekbone for example, you might hit harder than you intend, or find you hold back and have to hit multiple times to get the bruising she wants.

Most black eyes are superficial injuries and  don't cause any permanent damage to the eye or to the tissues around it..but, If vision changes after a blow to the eye, it is a warning sign that the injury may be more than a simple bruise. The force of the blow may fracture the delicate bones that form the eye socket, or the structure of the eye itself may be damaged and she will need medical treatment if that happens..and that opens another can of worms, medical professionals aren't going to fall for the 'walked into a door' excuse, and if she's honest with them its unlikely they'll believe her, and you might find they have a notify the authorities policy on suspected domestic abuse victims, I know hospitals I've worked in do..then it's not her friends you need to worry about judging you, it's the police and potentially the court system.

Not judging, just playing devil's advocate.

If you go ahead, be careful for both your sakes. Good luck. 

Stoic
Posted (edited)
19 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I really want to give a longer answer - but - Doms have limits also : and sometimes finding a balance can be tricky.  You can draw the line at giving her a black eye or anything else.

It may be that this is something she really wants and so, in which case, it sadly may be that you're not overly compatible - but - see where else things can compromise.   It can work :)

Oh, I'm not against it. Aside from the amazing feeling I get dominating her and (still new, never thought I'd say this) seeing her cry/flinch, I also enjoy it because I've always enjoyed what the female enjoys. I can totally do this, I just worry about consequences outside the bedroom. That's why I am here.

We have decided for now to take our time, there is plenty we've yet to try and we're still having fun and growing closer. It's a fun ride and this is (so far) the only bump in the road. I'm just trying to see a way past it.

Your post was very appreciated.

18 hours ago, BigPolly said:

Wearing a mark or a badge in the form of a scar, bruises, bite marks or welts etc that your Dom has given you is a strangely lovely thing. I love knowing that in a vanilla world I can walk round a supermarket concealing a whole different world under my clothes & reminders of who I really am. You will see many profile photos on here of marks on subs which they are all proud to show off. The main thing as others have said is communication but also the other huge thing you must both have is Trust & Respect. If she is asking for marks & bruises to be made & you are willing, then you both must do it with the trust that marking her is totally consensual. There is a lot that goes on in our world that many will say ‘how can you let someone do that to you’ but we are the lucky ones who have found immense pleasure from those acts. Just remember only do what makes you both comfortable & it’s always ok to say ‘no’ & offer an alternative if you feel you are stepping away from your comfort zone.

I see the way she admires her bruises and it really does warm my heart :hearts_around:. I also feel honored by the trust she is placing in me and intend to be responsible with said trust. 

 

18 hours ago, BigPolly said:

Also many subs/bottoms have to work towards things or tasks or punishments etc before receiving a reward or a collar etc. Maybe you could suggest working towards more visible bruising which gives you both something to build up to & extends the time so you get to know each other better.

I'll talk to her about it. Great advice, thanks.

5 hours ago, VioletJayne said:

If its something you guys really wanted to do maybe you could make a deal that youll do it, but invest in a really good concealer to cover the marks so you dont get the backlash off friends?

She's more interested in showing it off (while lying about the source of it) than concealing it. We both think her bruises are pretty and she likes looking at them all day. I doubt this is a viable option, but again, I'll talk to her about it. Thanks for the advice.

4 hours ago, MsJax said:

You also need to consider how you can do this without causing lasting or permanent damage..its not as easy as just throwing a punch..she may move at the actual point of impact and the punch misses it's target and hits a nose or cheekbone for example, you might hit harder than you intend, or find you hold back and have to hit multiple times to get the bruising she wants.

Most black eyes are superficial injuries and  don't cause any permanent damage to the eye or to the tissues around it..but, If vision changes after a blow to the eye, it is a warning sign that the injury may be more than a simple bruise. The force of the blow may fracture the delicate bones that form the eye socket, or the structure of the eye itself may be damaged and she will need medical treatment if that happens..and that opens another can of worms, medical professionals aren't going to fall for the 'walked into a door' excuse, and if she's honest with them its unlikely they'll believe her, and you might find they have a notify the authorities policy on suspected domestic abuse victims, I know hospitals I've worked in do..then it's not her friends you need to worry about judging you, it's the police and potentially the court system.

Not judging, just playing devil's advocate.

If you go ahead, be careful for both your sakes. Good luck. 

She has done a great deal of research and has a particular technique in mind. This will be done in a controlled way. I'm also interested in waiting because I've only ever fought for self-defense and I have honestly lived a life where it came up a lot. I've fought hundreds of times and I didn't use restraint, now I am learning to control how hard and where I hit, but it's going well and she loves the outcome so far. I also have never hit a woman (goes without saying), so I'm learning to adjust to her anatomy (much more delicate than a man's). GREAT care will be taken to ensure no permanent damage is done. The more likely outcome would be that she gets no black eye, and we try again another time.
 

The second part of your post brings me to a VERY important question. I want to have a waiver/contract that states this is of her choosing, without coercion/bribery/etc. I need to know more about how to draw up such a document, but it may be better to post a new thread. Hell, there may be 100 threads about it. Someone here might know exactly what I need (website/resource/etc.) to help me draw up such a document. We will get it notarized and I will keep multiple copies. 

Equally or MORE importantly: Do such documents offer any protection from legal action/police interference? This is a subject that is very important to me. I want to understand more because I would be much more able to relax and enjoy myself knowing that I won't go to prison because the state doesn't believe her when she says it was consensual.  Thanks in advance for any stories/resources/assurances that anyone can offer on this subject.

In all honesty, I doubt it will come to this. We are sort of past the point where she could flip and start trying to have me locked up. She hasn't, and I did trust her before that point. I just think this is important because of third-parties (parents, friends, hospitals, police, etc.)

Edited by Stoic
Clarification
  • Like 2
MsJax
Posted

@StoicI know in the UK these contracts have been disregarded by courts, the argument being that having permission to commit a criminal act does not detract from it being a criminal act, be that common assault or something else, though they may have played a part in mitigating sentencing, and there may well be exceptions I haven't heard of, hopefully someone with more knowledge can answer this for you..as you're in the USA I'm sure its even more complicated with each state probably having its own legislations.

From what you say I agree it's unlikely she'll flip on you as you put it..but her family, friends, work colleagues, and social circle may well see it differently if they're seeing her with regular black eyes or any other bruising, particularly facial..its natural for them to feel protective, and unlikely they'll understand.

Again, I'd like to reiterate I'm not judging you, or her, or what you have together..just adding my thoughts.

 

  • Like 2
PatientTraveller
Posted

Good day Stoic,

Thank you for sharing, it is lovely to see somebody share both concern and respect for their partner as well as themselves.

Contracts within BDSM are not legal, we can show three aspects of a contract:

1. Offer

2. Acceptance

3. Meeting of minds

Problem is that a contract cannot mitigate or over rule existing laws, so you don't have any protect legally. Remember contracts are based on the majority and for the majority, unfortunately we are an minority of society and our activities reach beyond the everyday social norms. 

I would encourage you and your partner to do a "first aid course", mainly so you know and communicate any unwanted symptoms and know when you have to take action. Blows to the head don't always have immediate signs for issues that develop later, pay attention and communicate. 

Personally, I prefer impact play rather than punching and slapping, there are techniques for punching and slapping, pending where you hit you will get swelling, three aspect to consider:

"Symmetry of appearance" (when very symmetrical left and right of say a face, we are attracted more to an individual, when they are out of balance we notice this) some swelling can be masked with balancing other other side, be careful, adding is not always the solution.

There are "other parts of the body", where bruising of the muscle and bone can be concealed better and let your partner enjoy her badges of honour, I'll be honest I stepped away from punching and prefer impact play with crops and  canes, very arousing to watch your partner massage their welts and twist in front of a mirror to see their marks.

"Timing", when I was involved in punching, I preferred a Friday, so swelling could reduce over the weekend.

 

Somethings take practice, you don't need to go 100%, this may seem boring, yet all skills are developed over a time, Don't let anybody push you faster than your own pace allows, let confidence and competency develop together, keep an eye on your confidence don't let excess your competency.

There are fun parts, you and your partner are going to giggle and learn a lot about make up.

Have fun and play safe,

Patienttraveller

Everybody above has given you lovely advice and shared with you, as well as you with us. Sorry, but I am in a rush and apologises in not giving credit more clearly where it is due. Apologises if I am regurgitating what others have shared above.

Stoic
Posted

This is going really great, btw. No black eyes... but hey, I'm kinda starting to like the idea of it. We have discussed ways we can excuse it (like going to a (metal/rock) concert the night of the black eye and blaming it on the show getting rough...) 

We are enjoying exploring it together and it's really a treat. It's brought us so close together so quickly it's hard to believe. We barely leave each other's sides. Thank to everyone for the great advice and wish me luck going forward.

  • Like 1
eyemblacksheep
Posted

really glad to hear - and yeah, things will flow naturally.

having a believable cover story for a visible mark is probably a good idea.   

FootTimes
Posted

Are you and your friend open to speaking to others about BDSM dungeons? I am asking because the two of you can make up a story that she got the black eye  because the two of you  went to one of the dungeons . You can say that one of the Doms at the place gave this to her. I "live" for hours at a time  in one of these  dungeons as a foot slave, and I see these type of situations all the time.

eyemblacksheep
Posted

whilst that cover story fits, do you not also think that's counter-productive on discretion ?

I mean whatever story you invent, starting with "I went to a BDSM dungeon..." you may as well just tell the truth at that point.    

"I went to a BDSM dungeon and a Dom gave her a black eye" - yeah, that's gonna be good  press.....

FootTimes
Posted
On ‎6‎/‎5‎/‎2018 at 2:06 AM, eyemblacksheep said:

whilst that cover story fits, do you not also think that's counter-productive on discretion ?

I mean whatever story you invent, starting with "I went to a BDSM dungeon..." you may as well just tell the truth at that point.    

"I went to a BDSM dungeon and a Dom gave her a black eye" - yeah, that's gonna be good  press.....

This is precisely the reason why I asked Stoic if he feels comfortable speaking about BDSM dungeons.  Everyone is different, and there are definitely those who are willing to openly discuss it.  If he isn't, then it shouldn't even be mentioned. But if he does feel comfortable discussing it, it would be a great reason. Not sure if you're aware, but those dungeons don't mess around. if a person wants pain, cuts, or black eyes, the Doms would gladly administer them. Some clients arrive as couples.  I know of one who brought his girlfriend or wife in to get beat up by a mistress because she did something wrong. That mistress told me she let her have it. :) 


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