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Advice on introducing dom fantasies into the bedroom

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Posted

Hi there. I'm new to the scene and wound be glad to hear from peers with more experience in this. 

 

I have dom fantasies for a long time, and did quite a bit of study into both the psychology and physical aspects of my kink. I'm married and have indulged in light BDSM and power play with my spouse, and had superficial conversations on bringing more of these into our plays.

 

What I am nervous about is how do I move to the next phase? How do I introduce such play in a manner that would ease her in without being a deep dive right from the start? I am uncertain how much I would need to set out at the start: do I lay out the play blow by blow to prepare her, or do I strike some balance and retain some unknowns? Perhaps the information asymmetry between my partner and I caused me to be imbalanced with regard to my plans. 

 

With that said, my partner has been great and never did she shoot down any of my thoughts during our simple discussions. As such I'm trying to make sure that the experience, when we do dive into the plays, would be great and would please her as much as it wound please me. The perfectionist and control freak in me is concerned if I may scare her if I move too quick. 

 

I wound be glad to hear from both doms and subs on how you are eased into your kinks, and hopefully I'll learn valuable insights from you on how I may ease both my partner and myself into this scene. I do apologise for the rather scattered thoughts above, as too many variables are in my mind. 

 

Thank you in advance to anyone who responds or reaches out (and also to some who already did). I'm looking forward to learning from this community as I move closer to embrace my own kinks. Cheers. 

  • Like 1
Posted
tell her what you want to do with her. communication is key. always talk to each other and dont.rush things. my dom an i always chat to each other b4 we ever do anything also set limits. things you both will do some you want and things your not sure about. also have safe words in place
  • Like 1
Posted
also aftercare is a must. reading about limits after care an safewords an.why there important is a must. therea all sorts of information on the net also youtube
  • Like 4
Posted

Spend a little time understanding any kink fantasies/things she wants to explore. Ideas like sensation play, blindfolds, light bondage etc can often be a good starter scene. Don’t push things too far to start off with and make sure she has a safeword and is comfortable using it if she’s feeling out of her depth. 

If you do use a blindfold - remember that heightens other senses do make the most of that in your scene. 

After the scene make sure you give her good aftercare and later you talk about what you did and discuss how she felt/likes/dislikes etc. 

if it goes well she’s likely to be more open to exploring more kinks - and doing a bdsm checklist (google - there are many to download) will give you both more to think about and a direction of what you may explore next. 

Another idea is to go to a sex shop (or online shop if that’s a problem) with a ‘task’ of her choosing a toy/flogger/rope/equipment that she wants to have you use in a scene with her. Be careful not to influence what she chooses but give her the scope to ‘try’ something different. 

Additionally, don’t believe you have to jump into labels of Dom/sub and ownership, explore just Topping/bottoming to start with and see how you both develop. 

Heels 👠👠

 

  • Like 2
Posted
..as a gay male submissive I'd especially agree about the aftercare comments. Very important to rebalance and re-centre yr slave after you've used them. Best wishes..
  • Like 1
Posted

Not alot to add....actually nothing....really good advice....I wish I had that advice years ago.!...Cassie

Posted

Thanks all, appreciate the suggestions. 

@MissHeels thanks for the suggestion of a trip to the store. That sounds fun and would certainly help with identifying her interests.

On the issue of aftercare, any pointers I should watch out for, particularly when we are both new to this scene? 

  • Like 1
Posted

All I can say is to  use your instinct...be careful and see how your partner reacts ..a softly ,softly  approach ..can work wonders....work on your partners curiosity..Remember what intrigues her when you visit a store...it may not be obvious straight away..but , I am sure you will get a few hints...It might be I wonder what it would be like etc...Listen to your partner...take it one step at a time..!..Walking into a store can be an over whelming experience..!...Most important...have fun..!..I remember when I walked into a Skin two shop...so nervous...but the staff made it so welcoming...need I say more..!...

Posted

after care is diffrent for each person. my after care i got cuddle time . we watch tv an cuddle and have a drink an sometimes a snack.  we can cuddle for ages after. sometimes we fall asleep dureing cuddle time. also we always talk about how we felt our play time went. about what we liked an didnt an what we want to try next

  • Like 1
eyemblacksheep
Posted

at first, at least, spell out what you intend to do and seek constant feedback

this may not be so sexy or erotic or anything like that but is a good way to explore together what works.

As you both build up confidence you'll be able to  - a - communicate what she might like you to do to her - b - know what is and isn't ok without asking permission or feedback 

Posted
For me as a submissive I went straight into it with my partner and did things from the get go and then during it I could tell him if I enjoyed it or not and I discovered things I didn’t think I would, we do it before we go to bed so that way we snuggle to sleep or when my son isn’t home we watch a movie and go to bed, this is how it worked for me but everyone is different. Talk to her about the things you enjoy, want to try and thinks that interest you and ask her what she would like, try different sex toys to as they’re always fun! I have lots of toys now and different things to do with bdsm and outfits as we enjoy trying new things Hope this helps!
  • Like 2
Posted
its a bit difficult to advise without knowing in detail the type of dynamic you want with your wife/partner? is it a 24/7 or just the bedroom? anyway its always better to start slowly, and knowing body reaction. So bared hand spanking, use light bondage, not ropes for newbies but restraints for online shop, canlde wax, have breaks then chat about it after the sessions. Then push the bounderies next session, intensified the spanking by introducing a paddle for example.
  • Like 1
Posted

Thanks all for your helpful comments! 

@FabSeverus no it is not for 24/7 play at the moment, but more for the bedroom. I feel it may be premature at this stage for us to consider that. Yes we started communicating more, and I suppose the initial hurdle is the worst. I would certainly give a few ideas here a try, and see where it takes us.

Again, appreciate all the comments and feedback. Plenty of valuable insight here. :)

  • Like 1
Posted

Time to move beyond "Superficial" discussions about Kink. Seems you and your wife have a good Communication so sit down and talk to her about it. Like marriage a good D/s relationship takes effort and communication from both parties to make it work. Discuss what both you and she would like to explore, establish boundaries/Limits and most important WHY you want to do these things. At times we get so focused on the What we ignore the Why... So discuss that with her as well. She may not be 100% OK with everything and that is OK as this is about BOTH of you having fun. Keep the communication flowing, get feedback and explore her fantasies as well. Start slowly with small simple things at first such as blindfolds, speech restrictions, bondage, spanking, toys, etc... but just a few things at a time and get feedback during the first few times to get a better understanding of what's going on in her head.. and share what you're thinking and feeling as well. Also check her (and your) response sexually. My wife and I learned to our surprise several things she REALLY enjoyed solely on how wet she got ..... things in her head she would have never imagined she'd enjoy... but a wet pussy doesn't lie lol....  So see how her body is reacting as your explore... both bad and good...

 

Good luck... have fun...


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