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Confuzzled

Could use advice on a weird situation

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Confuzzled
Posted (edited)

Up until a couple of months ago, I'd never done anything kinky—no opportunity. I've grown increasingly curious about how it all works, though, since so many people seem to enjoy it, so I started talking to someone online and eventually I went to her house. I'm not a submissive person, but since I know literally nothing about any of this, it didn't make sense to do anything but let her show me the ropes, as it were. She introduced me to a huge array of implements, put my wrists up in some relaxed cuffs, and smacked me with a bunch of different whips (I just had my shirt off). I found it surprisingly relaxing afterwards; in the moment, I liked the pure challenge of seeing how much I could deal with. So it was alright. I told her, I don't think I'm much for these restraints, but otherwise that was cool.

I went back again today. Before I went, we agreed I'd get naked (I'm not shy, so it wasn't a big deal), and the only thing I told her was I didn't want restraints. I wanted to see what I could deal with when I'm totally free to move. The one exception I allowed for was if we were going to try something where being restrained might be safer, but that was mostly theoretical—again, newbie, just covering the bases I could think of. She said she'd blindfold me and we could try sensory deprivation. Sounded good.

I get there, and she's got a whole plan in mind. Cool. I strip, get the blindfold on, and hold onto the overhead straps. She—and I don't know the names of anything on top of being blindfolded, so I can only say what I felt—she wrapped something around the top of my sack, tied it to the floor, and said, ok, better be careful about moving. I'm immediately like, what? This seems kind of restraint-y, no? She says, you said wrist restraints, and keeps going.

Now, in total fairness, if I had said no again, she would have taken it off. I didn't. I couldn't remember exactly what was said in the online conversation, and from the first experience (and her multitude of stories), I trusted she wasn't going to do any damage. So, hey, YOLO. 

We played for maybe 45 minutes. I got... not a ton out of it. Mostly the whole experience was stressing me out. Not mentally as much as physically—I could feel my shoulders getting tight, partly from holding the cables, but also from staying as still as humanly possible because I had no idea what was going to happen if I moved too much. I didn't say anything because, again, I had put myself in a position of trusting her, and I figured I would let her play things out as she had planned it, then decide on how I felt about it later.

I knew going in that not everything would necessarily be enjoyable. I like the challenge of pain, or at least heavy, dull pain. I don't get off on it, though—today was very physical proof of that. That's fine. The questions I have would apply even if I had enjoyed myself.

Number one, is there any world in which a person could think that tying a kink noob's balls to the floor after he asked for 'no restraints' makes sense? If so, can someone explain it to me? And if not, is there an explanation where this could be a legitimate error and I might still be able to trust her judgment? Right now I don't, and I want to know if that's justified.

If any other information would help, I'm happy to answer questions. I don't know what's relevant, and I'm trying to keep this as simple and factual as I can so as to reduce bias (you're only getting my side, after all).

Edited by Confuzzled
Clarification
scarllett
Posted (edited)

My dom has never provided an experience that has not first been discussed and consented to. If you had not previously discussed and consented to what happened during play, I would be rather cautious of your domme.

 

If you do find yourself in a situation like that again, where you are not comfortable with what's going on, especially if you have not discussed it or consented to it, then use your safeword, stop playing and have a discussion with your domme. Communication both before and after a scene is so important to ensure that you are both on the same page, that what is being carried out is safe and consensual.

 

As a newbie, your domme should be extra careful that communication is adequate and most definitely should have consulted you about different types of restraints and what you are and are not happy to try when you informed her you were not keen on restraints. Also she should have enquired exactly what it was about the restraints that you didn't enjoy and have a discussion with you about similar equipment, tools and experiences that may or may not be a soft or hard limit for you based on your previously stated dislike for restraints.

 

Trying to get around your consent by claiming that you didn't specify what she was now carrying out is a low blow and would shatter all trust for me in that situation. It also shows that she wasn't doing her job properly as your dom, because really she should have been guiding your discussions on what your happy and not happy to try, and educating you on any equipment she intended to use on you, considering you are inexperienced.

 

I would discuss with your domme how you feel about your experience with her, and make your own decision on whether you Want to try to rebuild trust with her, or move on and find someone who will do a better job of keeping your trust.

Edited by scarllett
  • Like 6
SirPiggy
Posted
First of all, are you really 84.? If you do go back , sit and chat a while on the scenarios she wishes to play out and let her know what exactly you are comfortable with. You went back once, i am certain you shall return simply because you won't be able to resist the temptation. Good luck.
Confuzzled
Posted (edited)

Thanks for the replies.

I understand why you think I'd go back because of the temptation, Piggy, but I'm probably approaching all this from a different mindset than most people. My goal really was just to learn about kink safely. I wanted to see if I could find a different kind of good time. If I can't, I can do without it.

I'm not 84, I just randomly pick dates when I make profiles for places.

Edited by Confuzzled
  • Like 1
Posted
if you dont say no i dont like this she doesnt know. she cannot read your mind. be truthful with your communication do some research as well on your own back. and maybe use a traffic light system and ask her to check in regularly with you. green is great keep going . amber is oooh im uncomfortable and red is STOP
  • Like 2
eyemblacksheep
Posted

chances are she didn't restrain or tie your bollocks but possibly used some form of ball weights - you'd have been free to move.

However - it does sound like there's more you both could have done.  She did make some mistakes from what you've said.

So, first off - were you honest with your level of experience?  It might be if you were that she isn't quite used to playing to a novice level - but - it also depends on her actual experience.

If your estimate of 45 minutes play is correct and you had your arms raised holding straps for the whole time then, yes, it is going you discomfort.   She probably should have checked your circulation or checked you were still comfortable.  Around 15-20 minutes should be the max for raised arms.

One thing she may however also been relying on is you to speak up if something was wrong.  Obviously there may be this slight problem that you didn't necessarily know things were wrong - but - this is something why I think it's important to try to do some of your own research (just search 'dangers of...' then whatever play you think you're doing) as well as relying on someone else.

I think, if she didn't, she should have been proactively checking up on you - but then, a lot of this may also be down to the levels of people she is used to playing with.

Tyskiethebear
Posted
Sorry to be so blatant. After reading your story I summise that she went for your balls after you complained about it your upper body tension! Please remember, you didn't go there for a massage, right? I think you have failed to see that she wanted to help you. X
Confuzzled
Posted

I was entirely honest about my experience level. She knew the two times I went were the only two times I've ever done anything in this vein.

The balls were right from the start. I never said a word about my arms getting tired, and I was free to put them down. I did let go a couple of times, but I kept them up because there wasn't really much fatigue. My arms weren't the crux of anything, though. I only brought that part up to make the story a bit more complete. 

I really don't understand how she would have been trying to help me.

eyemblacksheep
Posted

overall, from what you've said : it does sound like the two of you should chat before considering playing again.  To air what you weren't happy about alongside of course any direction of where you want to go in the future.

Sometimes even a bad experience is an experience, cos knowing what you don't like is also a big part.


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