I've finally told him! Help!!

[Gingerluv]

So, after years of marriage and secret desire I have finally, in roundabout ways, told my husband I want to be submissive. He answered back that he has been jerking off for years (when we have been apart) about this one time where we role played and I was a naughty school girl sent to the principals office...

I said I'd like him to spank me and pull my hair and nipples... all of which we have done mildly in some way or the other but all still quite vanilla with just a tiny  sprinkling of kink. He said he was shocked as he didnt believe I was that way inclined. 

I really enjoy ***. More than I dare to admit to him at this point. Having played around a little in self bdsm I know what I like but I dont know if I will ever get him to be comfortable enough to do it as he doesn't want to feel like he is "abusing" me. (I like my breasts tied, I have played with hot wax, clothes pins, spanking with vrious household stuff always having to stop short of leaving marks I wouldn't be able to explain! ) But at the same time he loves seeing me wet and begging to cum and aims to please. 

BUT I don't want to end up topping from the bittom!!!!!

So I guess my question is how did you start? What were your first experiences? When did it turn into deep bdsm for you? And how did that develop? 

 

I know communication is the key. Thats something I will have to work on as I get soooo tongue tied and embarrassed talking face to face which is obviously some sort of baggage I have.

Looking forward to hearing any advice advice and your stories on how you got started. 

[ey****]

first off - well done for making the first steps.  Masses of good luck to you.

Secondly - some of your background sounds similar to how me and my wife started, she had been hinting for a while and it took her a while to say "yes, this is what I want you to do"

 

Topping from the bottom.  OK, yes - it can be a problem : but when you already have someone to explore with... it's possibly better to discuss the sort of things and scenarios that appeal to you - but some can be a "in the future you can..." there's stuff myself and my wife have discussed I know she has consented to and would be interested in - but I will spring on her when she least expects it...

But certainly, don't be afraid of this at first, once interests can be explored you can work away from that in the future.

[Deleted Member]

just be patient with him, once he starts into this stuff you'd be suprised how people can really get into it and want more and more over time.

[Gingerluv]

5 minutes ago, ForMistahJ said:

just be patient with him, once he starts into this stuff you'd be suprised how people can really get into it and want more and more over time.

That sounds promising I can practice patience... I've waited this long! Sure a slow start will be managable

[Gingerluv]

So weve had a bit of a chat and unsurprisingly i just blushed and couldnt really talk. He seemed totlly open to it though, which was rather exciting. Just said it would be weird as he loves me so much and doesnt want to hurt me - tried thinking if a way to say its ok and explain but got stuck overthinking it probably. 

He started talking about safe words and other things a little bit. 

 

What do you do for safe word alternative when youre gagged? 

I think we will have lots more questions coming up!

[Deleted Member]

Bravo for talking to him.  I wish all couples were straight forward about their sexual desires.  If he is hesitant at first, like the others said, just be patient.  What helped me communicate with my ex-husband when I was a little shy about expressing my desires was a journal.  I wrote down fantasies off and on and left the journal for him to read at his leisure.  It really helped get the creative juices flowing, in more ways than one.

[ey****]

6 hours ago, Gingerluv said:

What do you do for safe word alternative when youre gagged? 

 

there's a few non-verbal suggestions.  Sometimes an easy way is to have something in your hand you can wave or drop

[Marthrose]

You did good

[Gingerluv]

15 minutes ago, Marthrose said:

You did good

Thanks!

Woke up this morning feeling nervous and excited that my fantasy will be a reality. 

Sir said he will call me "miss grey"  (i love this man so much!) He jumped right onto that. 

 

How do i help him feel comfortable about the fact he will be hurting me? He said it will feel weird because he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me (beyond what i am comfortable with)

How did you figure out how hard was hard enough amd how long was just right when it comes to spanking and using toys? (We have bought a "beginners bondage kit" with the essentials including gag, collar, clamps, restraints, short flogger and crop. We have an excess of wooden spatulas so will use one of those as a paddle for now.) 

 

Of course conversations and safe words will be crucial. 

 

How did that first time go for you?

[ey****]

How to help him feel comfortable he's hurting you? It can be complex. But, particularly if he's already a little up for it - this will come naturally in time. It ties in a little bit with my next point. How to figure out how hard and how long? There's a few times when it's good to stop. An ideal place, especially at first, is before you want it to stop. Because then you can do it, reflect together and then always do more the next time. Whereas going over in time or impact and be off-putting. In saying that, especially at first you can control a little using safewords. "Ease off a little", "Change toy" and "I need a rest" are all valid and sensible safewords. It doesn't have to be "purple strawberries" or anything. (you may work to a point where "stop" doesn't mean "stop" - but it's best not to overcomplicate at first) However of course - obviously for his guidance, you know, it can be a little flat if you are completely dictating the harder/softer/change toy - and - as I say, his confidence will sharpen over time. My tips for him is to not try to be too clever at first but you know, mix it up - throw in unexpected harder or softer strikes, change toys ad hoc, create suspense and surprises. But if you do do something by surprise for the first time, check in it was OK. Beginners bondage kits. I love and hate these. But, you know what - they're inexpensive and will get you into practice and if you find certain sensations or ideas aren't for you it saves you having forked out on more expensive or complex bits. What I found with one of the beginners floggers is that after a few uses it became a little sharp and nasty and not in a good way - but - up until then it was great to practice with and also great as a warm up toy.

[Gingerluv]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

How to help him feel comfortable he's hurting you? It can be complex. But, particularly if he's already a little up for it - this will come naturally in time. It ties in a little bit with my next point. How to figure out how hard and how long? There's a few times when it's good to stop. An ideal place, especially at first, is before you want it to stop. Because then you can do it, reflect together and then always do more the next time. Whereas going over in time or impact and be off-putting. In saying that, especially at first you can control a little using safewords. "Ease off a little", "Change toy" and "I need a rest" are all valid and sensible safewords. It doesn't have to be "purple strawberries" or anything. (you may work to a point where "stop" doesn't mean "stop" - but it's best not to overcomplicate at first) However of course - obviously for his guidance, you know, it can be a little flat if you are completely dictating the harder/softer/change toy - and - as I say, his confidence will sharpen over time. My tips for him is to not try to be too clever at first but you know, mix it up - throw in unexpected harder or softer strikes, change toys ad hoc, create suspense and surprises. But if you do do something by surprise for the first time, check in it was OK. Beginners bondage kits. I love and hate these. But, you know what - they're inexpensive and will get you into practice and if you find certain sensations or ideas aren't for you it saves you having forked out on more expensive or complex bits. What I found with one of the beginners floggers is that after a few uses it became a little sharp and nasty and not in a good way - but - up until then it was great to practice with and also great as a warm up toy.

Wow thank you so much for your great reply, this really helps a lot, I appreciate it!  

The kits were actually all sold out (that was when I reaised this is obviously far more popular than I imagined!) So I put together my own "kit" from individual bits and pieces. 

The flogger was only £5.99 but its small and looks less intimidating than a longer one with more tails. Its a "12inch flogger whip featuring a leather loop for display, comfortable pvc handle and over 20 soft suede whipping tails." (Description from the shop site. ) The reviews seem good. Is leather generally better? Or just personal preference? 

Just had to laugh as I realise I am asking far too many qiestions all at once! 😁

 

[ey****]

suede v leather thuddy v stingy so forth personal preference sometimes worth finding a trader you can try in person. sometimes different things for different moods

[ey****]

just realised the formatting on my posts earlier was awful from my phone...  hope it still read OK.

[Gingerluv]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

just realised the formatting on my posts earlier was awful from my phone...  hope it still read OK.

Oh I'm used to it. On my phone too...

 

We just read this article. http://www.doctornerdlove.com/introduce-kink-relationship/

Thoughts? I like what it says

[Gingerluv]

A quick update! 

He seems to really want to embrace the kink! Last night we played a little, he spanked me and tied me up and made me suck him when i was too loud. I asked him how it felt for him. He said it was surprisingly easy. That he was worried he would really hurt me but clearly I was enjoying it. Releived that he would clearly have to hit significantly harder before it became uncomfortable for me (didnt get there!)

He seemed fascinated by nipple and clit clamps when looking for toys online earlier too. 

What other essentials are great toys to start with? 

[ey****]

That sounds great so far.

 

Nipple and clit clamps can be a lot of fun, although some are nastier than others depending on their strength, material, etc. and also how adjustable they are.

 

You may wish to stay away from clover clamps at first... or, I dunno.  It's up to you.

 

(I wouldn't recommend for newcomers)

 

From there, a lot depends on what you want to explore. Do be cautious a little in the sense the excitement can lead to wanting to buy and try all-the-things : I'd say it's possibly best to build on one idea before branching into anything else.

 

But, I guess - do you have ideas where you want to explore?

 

Plus remember that many household objects work quite well.  The other day during sex I removed my belt and started braying my wife with it.  Simple, to the point and on hand...

[Gingerluv]

4 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

That sounds great so far.

 

Nipple and clit clamps can be a lot of fun, although some are nastier than others depending on their strength, material, etc. and also how adjustable they are.

 

You may wish to stay away from clover clamps at first... or, I dunno.  It's up to you.

 

(I wouldn't recommend for newcomers)

 

From there, a lot depends on what you want to explore. Do be cautious a little in the sense the excitement can lead to wanting to buy and try all-the-things : I'd say it's possibly best to build on one idea before branching into anything else.

 

But, I guess - do you have ideas where you want to explore?

 

Plus remember that many household objects work quite well.  The other day during sex I removed my belt and started braying my wife with it.  Simple, to the point and on hand...

Thanks again for such a great reply! My nipples have been pretty toughened up by breastfeeding for many many years. So they might take more than your average beginners nip 😂 

We shall see! 

I have some ideas. They mostly involve being tied up, gagged, flogged or spanked and different ways to tease and 'punish'. I like the thought of being totally controlled. 

 

But youre right in that I want to walk before we run. The videos online all seem pretty hardcore - the ones I can find ... I love the simple but clever idea of peg zips! But will keep that to myself for now at least. We will have a little fun with the things I ordered and see where we go from there

 

 

 

[ey****]

videos - one of the problems is a lot are done effectively for male gaze : and sometimes made to look worse than they are.  (hi, 2 years filming experience) so they can give a rough idea of "Ooh, that seems cool" but unless it's a tutorial video - then yeah, often pushing at a higher edge.

Different hitty things are always good and there's possibly a whole bunch of things already in your house you can use.

If you're interested in sensation play, I was in The Works the other day looking for some props for a scene and found a box of "back scratchers" and "Back massagers" for like, £2 each - which have kinky connotations.  In a ***y children's toy shop!

It can be good to go for some orgasm control or play.  If you already own a wand then there can be great fun either forcing or denying orgasms - or leaving just out of reach and turned on if you're tied down... haha.

For restraints, there's assorted cheapy ready kits and under bed restraints which you can have fun with.  Ropes can have a little more menace, but - while not difficult for basic ties, I'd definitely recommend a peer workshop on ropes, just to learn more on likely problems or injuries.  They'll also likely be able to sell you rope.

 

[Gingerluv]

Id have never thought to look in the works! Thats so funny! I do actually love love love the look of ropes but yeah thatll take some practice. 

Also makes sense that the videos are made to look a certain way like with any public media really! Can you recommend any tutorial videos?  Getting this book that seems to be getting good reviews: The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge

On another related note, box of toys came todsy in plain brown packaging. Kids wouldn't believe me when i said its not for them! I had to hide "daddys hifi stuff" so they "wouldnt break it" 

[ey****]

yeah, I was in because I needed some toy pieces for something we were filming - and there they were, haha.

ropes - sometimes it's just a case of safety and knowing what to look out for, which way to go against the grain to avoid slips or burns.  And always keep safety scissors to hand.

there are BDSM tutorial videos on youtube - simply search 'BDSM tutorial' - one top tip also is to get advice from different sources, so if one person talks about things in a demo - then another person in a similar post might have different points.

[Gingerluv]

Hmmm he seemed rather intimidated by my box of toys. The ball gag was something he wasnt sure about at all. I thought that might throw him. I dont think this being dominant will come naturally to him. Need ideas to help show him how it can be fun for him!

[ey****]

Some bits might take a little bit time, but yes, it is important he is having fun.  It may or may not be too early to ask the question of him, is there anything he'd like to do to/with you - but may be worth an ask.

Also could be worth watching some mainstream/commercial movies : The Duke of Burgundy is interesting because it explores a F/f couple where the bottom is a little bit more keen than the top, at first.  And of course Preaching to the Perverted.  Belle De Jour can be interesting and - of course, The Secretary.  And possibly not so helpful, but Venus in Fur is always entertaining.

Another angle - is of course to consider going with your partner to munches or events.  You don't have to do anything at events, but watching others and how they interact - and of course talking with others at munches could help his confidence and see some ideas.  I don't know your kinda area massively well (although i have been to Euphoria in Leeds) but I know your area is kinda bouncing if this angle is your thing.

[Gingerluv]

Ill check those films out, thanks! I'm pretty certain I know what oh would like to do. But always worth asking.

Im not sure he would be up for an event or munch. But then again worth putting the idea forward. 

 

And i dont know if it is just that we notice more now but everytjing we have watched recently from documentaries on castles to Friends has mentioned spanking, being tied up or bdsm in some roundabout way. Its everywhere isn't it! 

[ey****]

We watched a bunch of old Vicar of Dibley the other week - and some references were beyond basic kink

"I'll put you over my knee pull down your knickers and take a hairbrush to you"

 

Oh. OK.

 

Kink has had a weird mainstream relationship.  But this can easy go into another area.

 

There's probably a few TV couples with very subtle trails of D/s.

 

Like a lot of ideas, there's stuff in your own time.

 

Firstly something to look up is sub-frenzy : and this can also be a case of wanting to do everything all at once as soon as possible...

 

But also I feel there can be a sense of urgency a "make up for lost time" - when really, there's all of the time in the world.

 

Don't be afraid to repeat things at the same level and becoming more comfortable before going into new ideas.

 

[Gingerluv]

59 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

We watched a bunch of old Vicar of Dibley the other week - and some references were beyond basic kink

"I'll put you over my knee pull down your knickers and take a hairbrush to you"

 

Oh. OK.

 

Kink has had a weird mainstream relationship.  But this can easy go into another area.

 

There's probably a few TV couples with very subtle trails of D/s.

 

Like a lot of ideas, there's stuff in your own time.

 

Firstly something to look up is sub-frenzy : and this can also be a case of wanting to do everything all at once as soon as possible...

 

But also I feel there can be a sense of urgency a "make up for lost time" - when really, there's all of the time in the world.

 

Don't be afraid to repeat things at the same level and becoming more comfortable before going into new ideas.

 

Oh my thats hilarious about vicar of dibley! 

 

Honestly your advice and help in this has been absolutely amazing! I cant thank you enough! I'm sure there will be many more questions as we find our way 😁

 

I feel much better knowing that I can come here for advice. Really appreciate you taking the time!