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Getting your partner into kink

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Posted (edited)

Dear lovers,

I have a close friend whose partner is not as interested in BDSM as she is. Having tried to share her enthuse about ropes and stimulation he says he will but, tends not to be assertive about initiating kink play and taking charge, which for her is a huge turn off. She wondered if there are any ways to make her lover, who is her long best friend, fill the roll of the dom. She feels this connection is key to keeping their relationship strong and lasting. Any advice?

Thank you sincerely,

Atum Rei

Edited by AtumRei
To show gratitude
I’m afraid your first line says it all ‘whose partner is not as interested in BDSM as she is’ You can’t make someone into something they’re not & you can’t make them do something they’re not comfortable with. If they desire to be a Dom but they’re struggling to be assertive that’s different but asking how someone can make someone else assertive, sorry but that’s a big NOPE! The key to any BDSM is the same as any relationship, communication & respect! They need to talk & talk & talk some more but you can’t ‘make’ someone do what you want.
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a mismatch of interests/enthusiasm is all too common (though often in het relationships, the lady not being as interested as the gent) and the thing is, if the partner is doing it through routine and not getting anything out of it, they are going to end up being resentful and that can put even more strain on the relationship.

a strong option is to consider an additional relationship with someone who *is* into it - many people do this effectively, but it has it's own challenges also (but - from the sounds of it, the existing scenario isn't working and the desired scenario is forced) it can just be a case of seeing someone for a D/s relationship once a week/fortnight/month/etc.

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Mrs LugNut sees herself as vanilla but in reality I think she is somewhere in-between domme and vanilla - on the spectrum somewhere. We both enjoy vanilla and kinky sex. I am not hardcore kink either so we make it work and we both have a lot of fun. Boundaries are often blurred. She used to think of herself as slightly submissive and in the early days we tried that but that was definitely not working out well. 

If they can find a common ground where they are having fun and getting needs met then great but this simply may not be possible. If he is not happy and not getting what he needs then she can't make him happy about it. It sounds like she has tried and he is doing his best and it is hard to ask for more than that. Some people just can't kink or can only kink in one direction - sorry.


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maybe see if her partner will watch some you tube videos about it and he could tell her what he likes and does not like. I would suggest to take it slow with him and not overwhelm him