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Financial disparity and D/s?

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Hello everyone!

I'm new around here, and I'm not frequently in touch with the BDSM community where I live, but looks like it's time for me to solicit an outside perspective on my stance on FemDom.

The reason I'm concerned with this is that my D/s relationship with my sub are kind of different from what I've normally seen or read about.

Almost all the cases I've been exposed to, the inequality that defined the actual D/s was based on a pre-agreed (or even contractually written down) voluntary revocation of some of their personal rights by the sub. I accept and very much respect that position, as it helps enforce and establish that whatever happens stays SSC, partners will not burn each other out or inadvertently send each other into subdrop, will not traumatize each other, very neat and put together. But my relationship worked out in a whole another way, and I want yo hear your opinions on if that's acceptable or not.

The thing is, I come from a pretty well off family. My sub is not at all, he came into town from the outback far away to earn his living - he's not even that bad at it, but still, my monthly disposable income which I'm simply entitled to is several times more than what he can earn with a full month of employment. This disparity is not something created by us for the purpose of the relationship - rather, it is natural in how it's integrated into our lives, as well as in its unfairness - he just was unlucky to be born into a poor family, and I was lucky to be born into a rich one.

Both he and I prefer emotional violence to physical. Our differences are a source of discomfort and humiliation for him, which he likes, and which I gladly provide. He can be kissing my shoes that cost what he brings home in a month, he carries behind my goods as I go designer shopping, we've even flown to Italy to do our own riff on the Venus in Furs kind of trip. I never forget aftercare after our games, and outside of sessions I am much more easygoing, friendly and modest with him. That's something we've agreed on that never really stopped, but something here worries me.

This seems to be the only facet of BDSM I really implement. Other ones just don't seem to work that well. I feel that if you need to raise your voice at the sub to reach the desired effect, if you need to vigorously flog them, to be openly aggressive and "show your teeth", it's not really natural. (I'd like to stress that it's just the way I feel, I don't in any way intend to criticize the people who do and enjoy this) I feel that a real domme humiliates their sub effortlessly, with a gesture, a word, with her very existence - if she wants to. That's the image I assume and emulate when we play. On one hand, it looks and feels good and it makes a very deep, lasting effect that very much satisfies my sub and, by extension, me. On another hand, however, I see that this is not at all susceptible to be formalized and packaged up into a contract, and is much more fluid, and thus opens avenues for violation of SSC as well as simple blatant burnout and disregard. I'd be stoked to hear your thoughts on this.

P.S. just realized what a wall of text this is. If you've read this far, thank you!

  • Like 2

I'm just myself, and have been told more times than I can remember, that a Real Domme this, and a Real Domme that, always incidentally by people who have never spent anytime with me.. those that have, know, and understand, that I'm Domme because that's who I am, there is no other way with me, I don't need to fit into anyone else's expectation of what a Domme should be..and I won't be a stereotype of a person for anyones benefit. 

There's different types of Dominance too of course, presenting different attractions or turn offs ..most on a BDSM site do seem to fit the mould that majority expect, as you say, shouty, aggressive, latex clad cruel bitches, (whether they happen to be that bitch or playing the part). Others like myself, and from what I read, you, prefer a Female Led Relationship, (although the only contracts I've ever made have been verbal and rely on trust, which someone "playing" casually wouldn't have, I dont do casual), and don't need the uniform, or one size fits all mould to display our Dominance, or to command it..incidentally not saying that the former is the wrong way to do things, quite obviously it works for hundreds of thousands of people, if not more, and I'm not saying they need it, rather, that I don't. There's Mommie types too the loving Domme if you will, and then there are those fluid Dommes who can be whatever they need to be usually Professional.

I'm almost certain someone will be along to answer much more adeptly than I've managed..I do hope so, I enjoyed tour post immensely, thought provoking. Thank you 😊

  • Like 5

* your not tour..excuse my thumbs 


Don't worry what someone perceives as "real", focus on what you perceive as real and what works for you.

Too many people who talk about true ways or "real Dommes" or "real subs" generally haven't a fucking clue.  

  • Like 3
I did read through all of it. First of all, I have to say that I would enjoy the relationship you and your subbie have, so a toast to both of you to have been lucky to find each other :-) Secondly, I feel that if a contract needs to be in place to bring back someone to the D/s relationship, then the Dominant is ... the Contract more than the Domme, we do agree that the contract anyway is something that comes from both's will and agreement, but those wills and needs/wants change in time. We're living beings, we're here to explore, we change and grow, sometimes it is difficult to capture the nuances of anything in a static agreement, much less when the situation is dynamic .... I think that maybe what is needed is a safe word and a warning word, to be implemented in the contract, to cover for all possibilites that were not set down in the Contract. Also, a periodic honest and neutral review of how well or not so well You and your subbie have been doing. I feel that what you express is simply the reckoning that as you explore and discover yourself and your relationship, you come to relate to other aspects of D/s. Well, I am fond of saying that every relationship is a case in itself, so if you ever feel like like you are relating yourself to a checklist of what being a Domme is ..... .... rejoice, because true Dommes really go over and beyond checklists :-) who is the Domme, your beautiful wonderful self questioning self, or some static and partial checklist / definition? :-) you'r yourself and no one will. ever. be. like. you. Don't let anyone nor yourself ever fit you into a template, as you will never be 100% that. I should have written this as very first point but here you go :-) I am sure that if you were to entertain other Subbies, you would discover that some things change, some stay the same. Actually, maybe it could be instructive and entertaining for you to do so, and start building your own compass and north star from what you discover to stay the same, and what actually changes. Here you go, my own wall of text. Sending you my respects, and would be happy to discuss more on the matter if you like. Enjoy your Sunday! SeatForQueen

contracts are for legal scenarios, not needed excpet in Pro-scenarios, why would a Lady and her boy have one, especially while She needs him for nothing that a stereotypical vanilla relationship would provide for... UNLESS its a contract for the TIMEFRAME of submissive service which would be super hot scenario to have within this dynamic where the Lady is the Bo$$ financially. It's like being a temp employee who cant quit because they are under contract that is almost slavery..

secondly, with all do respect this doesnt seem to be a question but-i 'twas an interesting and intelligible read nonetheless.


D/s contracts can be a nice touch - but, they're more like fluff or furniture than anything else - and they're certainly not legally binding.  

It does tie down to whatever works for you.