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SunnySara

Maybe I'm Doing Something Wrong?

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SunnySara
Posted (edited)

I'm with a guy for 1.5 years who was in a Dom/sub relationship before ours. Part of my attraction to him was that I had the knowledge that he was into this lifestyle and I've always had an interest, however, this doesn't seem to be something he's able to give me. I'm assuming it's me. I guess I'm considered to be an alpha female and I'm not easily dominated; he has been unable to break the defenses - although in truth he hasn't really tried as I guess I'm expected to just be submissive with no effort from him? I'm not sure. I find myself somewhat dissasitfied in the relationship, especially sexually. A little bored, I guess. He has said that that type of relationship  can be "hollow" and he doesn't want that for us, but I'm not sure how much of this is truth and how much is an effort to dissuade me. Either way, it's something I want to explore but all efforts have been unsuccessful. Any suggestions? 

Edited by SunnySara
Posted
The most important part of any engagement in the BDSM world is communication, have you discussed this with your Dom about how you feel? it’s important that you both understand each other’s thoughts and feelings, who engages play time? What can be done to make it more appealing? as apposed to the hollow relationship he is painting it to be? None the less if you aren’t happy and there isn’t much else to do it’s the same with any relationship sometimes they just don’t work out. But that’s only if there isn’t anything else either of you can do, I hope this helps on some way! All the best 😊
Posted
Speaking as a guy who's into the lifestyle I have a friend... I'm madly in love with her and yes some stuff has happened but she's an "alpha female" an I didn't think I had what it takes to break down her defenses properly... then we got a little drunk an it just happened she was shocked at how easily I overrode her... and we had alot of fun but now her defenses are higher than ever an I can't get anywhere with her we're back to just friends no benifits... if you truly like someone it can be hard to be a dom but it can also be easy given the right circumstance... I know I rambled a bit but hope that helps 😊...
SirPiggy
Posted
Hi. Maybe it takes him back to a certain time of his life that is still a major part of his memory that he just wont let go. Talk to him...
SunnySara
Posted

Thank you for the input! I've attempted communication, but he doesn't seem to want to discuss it. It is a subject that pretty clearly makes him feel insecure in the relationship - I believe because it's something I want that he doesn't feel capable of giving? The frustrating part is that before we were serious he suggested and attempted dominance but I wasn't open because the trust wasn't there. Now that I trust him, he seems not open. The very few attempts since have ended in his frustration because I don't instantly capitulate. But. I'm having a hard time seeing him in a dominate light so I'm decidedly (and inflexibly) bratty about it. I want him to work for it; to prove that he can, in fact, be strong/firm enough for me. It feels like a cyclical failure and I'm concerned it may end in total relationship failure. Which would kind of suck. Im definitely of a fan of his :) 

Posted
Sounds like it's communication to me... personally I like to find out what's expected of me... even if it's blunt or negative... I'm a massive switch in my head I like to be told what to do then switch an do it hard... sounds to me like he likes you an doesn't want to be assertive I was scared to about hurting my friend or being over dominant... turns out after talking... she likes it...
eyemblacksheep
Posted

there's lots of possibilities - and most of them are unlikely to be you.

First off, that perhaps in coming out of a D/s relationship he isn't/wasn't quite ready for another one.

Perhaps there were elements of his role in that relationship he wasn't entirely happy with.

I know people who've had to take a step back because they don't like the person they've become when being "full time" Dominant, and then also there's others that embrace it naturally.  

  • Like 1
SunnySara
Posted (edited)

Im very confident he had a D/s type of relationship before. After the break up he took a 2.5 year break from dating, in general. I know it didn't end well. He did openly express an interest in resuming this in the beginning of our relationship but may not actually be able. The only con he has verbally express is in it being "hollow" and his concern that it would/could turn into a desire for more (further) sexual deviances on my part. There may also be an issue of age. I'm 7 years older than him, although far far lesss experienced in pretty much every aspect in life. Maybe it still feels like a power imbalance. I don't know. 

 

I thank you all for your input. I supposed I'm not ready to break it, so I might as well not force it

Edited by SunnySara
eyemblacksheep
Posted

there's a few things you've brought up there which could all be things.

That perhaps being out of such a relationship by a couple of years he may have been out of swing.

You being older may be a challenge

But what you've said about wanting further sexual deviances, that perhaps in his last relationship his sub kept wanting more than he could give and he's frightened to lose you down a rabbit hole of kink.

Posted
Of course it could be that you're just incompatible. Hate to throw that in there but been there done that and it's a bit crap. Communication is the bedrock of any relationship not just a bdsm relationship, if there's little to no communication it will lead to frustration and eventually resentment. Kink doesn't need to be hollow either, you don't have to objectify your sub in my opinion, you can still kiss passionately during scenes, communicate, and any number of gestures. I think I saw some stuff by a geezer called Master Arkane or someone on romantic D/s relationships, I found some of what he said quite stimulating, maybe worth checking out.
Posted

Something is not quiet right. Break up for so long after ending a relationship that was hollow?? 

We will never know what’s happen but it was significant enough to not restarted with you. 

SunnySara
Posted

I suppose incompatibility is always a possibility. Ive just assumed I wasn't outwardly submissive enough, wasn't compliant enough when he asserted power or maybe even that he picked up on the fact that I'm a little afraid. I'm not sure but I'll continue to try to subtly drop the hints - in hope! 

  • Like 1
Tiny131
Posted
My ex-wife and I were very much in love with each other and we used to dominate each other. It's funny how it started. I said that I wanted to try anal and she said "let me stick something up your butt" . Well she snuck her finger in there whilst performing oral and I took her butt. Then came the whips and paddles and toys. Even some pegging here and there. The best part was that she would get mad if she didn't orgasm so I knew she wasn't a faker. Unfortunately we became alcoholics together and that destroyed us. Snip here dig there led to contempt. I just joined a few hours ago looking for something. Friends. Love. Idk
  • Like 1
Posted
Just be patient Sara. If it is something that he really likes, he will come around eventually. Ultimately the real question is, do you love him enough to stay with him even if he no longer wants this lifestyle? My fiance was patient with me after almost 2 years. I was in an abusive relationship before him and it turned me off to all things bdsm. He didn't pressure me or force anything on me. It took almost 2 years, but I'm starting to warm back up to it now. So just be patient and show that you love him. Maybe try to find some commonground kink in the meantime

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