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Doesnotunderstand

I am shocked: After one week in a relationship she shares her fetish.

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Doesnotunderstand
Posted

Imagine, you are totally in love, and you think you catched the cutest girl on the planet.
Then, after the second time she tells you, I am into BDSM.
I like chocking, forcing anal sex, spanking. 
I watch submissive porn every day and i turns me insanely on.
I like to lose total control


Something I did not quite expect from such a sweet little girl.
Now, my first reaction was close to throwing up.
I was totally in panic: this does not turn me on, I have a clear oppinion about what is disrespectful or not.

Now rationally, i dont think it is bad to:
- pull hair
- put slightly your hand on someones neck.
- sqeeze someones niplles.
- have anal sex

Dont get me wrong, I think a big part of society encounters in light forms of BDSM.
But subspace is something next level. Something fifty shades of grade does not tell you about.

I do these things because it turns her on, and subsequently it turns me on.
But really, I dont experience any 'Thrill'.

Anything further i see more as an obsession, a thrill that as nothing to do with
having a connection. 

If i push it a little further she easily goes into: subspace.
For me this is very scary. I feel lonely and left out.

The current status is that she really likes the love version of sex. And she also says she likes that much more: love.
And she says that we have to find our own version. She says: that is lust and i want love.
Though love me i guess.

I think: ok. But right now I dont see it happening that I like these 'thrills'. I enjoy being physical, and I enjoy
the tenderness, emotional connection. But i am afraid i will never understand real BDSM. 

Questions i am having:
- Something i am worried about: right now we are in 'love' but i am very afraid that when this 
chemical reaction is over she will turn back to what she has her fetisch about. What are your expectations?
- Am i doing well? Do you expect that we get into an agreement? Can I make her happy?
- Is her version an extreme version of BDSM, or are there even higher 'obsessions'.
- Do you expect that i will 'learn' this fetisch (by getting a better understanding/more exposure), 
or is it something you have or you dont have?
- I also think that this obsession is because she is not completely confident about her social situation. 
I honestly think, that when her confidence grows, the obsession will be less. 

Do you have any tips for me? I am really stepping out of my comfort zone here.

Posted
From what u have said, what your girlfriend enjoys isn’t that extreme in terms of Bdsm. There are further extremes out there... if you look in the forum under kinks they are listed with information about each one. And the list is growing.... to your question about is it to do with her social situation, with out knowning that I can’t fully answer but I would say no. You may find that as her confidence grows so will the things she wants to do and enjoy. By learning you will be able to understand what she wants and how to give it to her and maybe find that by understanding it you infact enjoy it Aswell Can you make her happy, if you keep talking to her and understand what is it she needs then yes you will be able to make her happy
eyemblacksheep
Posted

I feel she raised kink with you quickly as a sense that this was important to her and something whereby, potentially, she didn't want to be too wrapped up in someone who wasn't also happy with it.

Her interests aren't all that extreme as said.  It's possible she may be happy with kink lesser in your relationship - but it's also possible she will want more.  If she is watching submissive porn regularly and has interests as she does it may be she's peaked, or, it may be that she is building up or discovers something that leads her to want more.

It could even be she has "settled" because she has built trust and a kind of know that you are happy to indulge should she need it.

I won't say you either have it or not, but I'm not sure you can really force something to turn you on or excite you.  It may be that conversations are needed as of how much/often she wants - it might be that this is at a level you can reluctantly accept (there's a term known as 'Service Top' which sounds like you're doing) or it might be this doesn't work.  It's important for you both to be happy in your/any relationship.

  • Like 2
Littlefellow
Posted

This may sound a liitle crazy but I'd watch some of the porn she says she watches.

If it turns her on and turns your stomach then you have a problem.

I agree from what you have written you are probably topping her at the moment.

You both need to figure out if that is enough. 

Marcelin0
Posted

Regarding subspace, think about it this way: you're helping her travel to a place she likes to be in.

There's two sides to this: 

You'vebuilt a strong, trusting relationship, and she trusts you so completely that she gives you total control. Trust is beautiful, enjoy it.

She needs this as a junkie needs his drugs and you feel there might be some underlying reason. This is delicate but I would try to work on any underlying issues, always by trying to build her confidence, lead her to talk about what she thinks, how she feels about those social issues, her upbringing, her family... This requires building up a lot of trust and empathy.

We simply don't have enough info to know which of these it is, it can also be something in between. I can see how you could think it's the second version since she told after a week (i.e. she didn't wait to build up the trust), but it could also be that she's so confident and upfront that she had no issue bringing it up.

Tread lightly and enjoy the ride.

FreyaNikita
Posted
Hi 👋 I’ve read you post a few times now and wanted to say something but not sure what would come out; you seems like a person who wants to make your partner happy and it’s grest that you’ve reached out like this...respect for that. It struck me that whilst you’ve been giving your best to go along with what she likes ..to be submissive and the particular acts listed above... how much do you know about the dynamics of dominant and submissive? There’s tons of reading on here and the internet at large. I would suggest stepping back from the physical side all together for a time and seeing if you find any personal meaning and gratification In the D/s dynamic. As a place to reframe and view from a new perspective. I might also suggest NOT watching bdsm porn without first understanding what’s the foundation for what’s happening in scenes. It’s clear you care about your partners wellbeing and want her to be fulfilled and happy 😊 Learning about your role in subspace and how special that is may help ? Learning, open discussions, support of one another, contracting and consent are everything in my mind.
  • Like 2
eyemblacksheep
Posted

yep - BDSM porn only ever tells a very small part of any story.

You can never tell the experiences of those involved, their existing relationship together, whether there's a little "hamming up" for the cameras.

One of the reasons I enjoy filming with my Mistress is it's largely a reflection on O/our own relationship so not a put-on for sales or the cameras, but, I've filmed with others where there has been - so you don't get the full stories.

  • Like 1
MissTillysue
Posted

I think it is good that she brought up this subject early in your relationship, it gives you both the chance to evaluate wether this is the right relationship for you.

If you find that bdsm turns your stomach you may not be the right person for her. At the moment it seems she is on a very mild level of bdsm but it is likely that she will want more rather than less as she learns what available out there and her confidence grows.

It is possible for you to learn to do what she likes but it is not likely to be a fulfilling relationship for you if you are not turned on by it too

  • Like 1
Doesnotunderstand
Posted

Ok it seems i am still standing, note that i have nothing to lose and i am willing to explore. 

Three additional questions i have are: 
1) Is it possible that she will develop a style with me, that is a good mixture of her desire and mine? 
I mean, i have to go up in the line of pleasure, but then it would be ideal, if she somewhat tempers her needs? 
Is it possible that because she focusses on a new style, her desire for things i dont like, become somewhat softer? 
2) I just learned a new term, that i 'squicked'. That is my first reaction is uncomfortable, but to be honest i dont think it is rationally totally wrong who she is and what she likes. It is just 'not my taste'. So i am worried i keep on squicking, and i never get comfortable.

eyemblacksheep
Posted

1) yes, but if you're not into BDSM it's difficult to work into a common ground.

2) this is again possible if she comes out with new ideas or "wants to try" - say, I dunno, watersports, needleplay, other forms of breath play to choking, impact play, knife play.   I mean, I'm going into potential straw scenarios here - but...

There's someone I occasionally come across in the kink scene, we were in a workshop together and the problem she had had with her sub is that her sub had always wanted more than she was willing to give in terms of the intensity and style of beatings and play.

This led to their break-up.   You have to find your own lines and limits and lay those down.   If these are too much for her then it may be a sticking point.

 

However, a suggestion that could work on a compromise.  Could you see yourself in a relationship with her, focusing on where your common ground is - but also for her to have another play partner that focuses on things you're less willing to do?   The thing even is - you can have her go out and come back and you don't even need to talk about what she has done?

My wife and I both have relationships outside of our own.  

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