Inexperienced, but am neither a dom or a sub.

[Deleted Member]

I am inexperienced in BDSM, but don’t identify as either a sub or a dom. In fact, I am more of a meek person and don’t have a dominant bone in my body. I want to do both,  but don’t know how to meet people like me in person, or the best dating sites to find them as all the profiles I see are just subs or doms. 

[ey****]

I feel, particularly online, there can be a bias towards D/s even if D/s isn't the be-all and end-all of kink.

There's a more generic "kinkster" label that's often apt and it may well be your interests are more "top" and "bottom" than. as you say, Dom or sub.  (not that this is meant in any form of insult - I'm trying to help you understand some of the roles) 

In terms of online "best" is subjective - you might on one hand try a kink-friendly but otherwise vanilla site : or of course just being clear on your interests and where you fit on a kink one.

In person...

Munches are often a good bet and it's easier to see people beyond their online persona or role restrictions : I did some very limited research and I don't know your area/size but, for example, there's a munch this friday at Runway 29 Lounge (6pm-9pm)

Munches aren't "hook up" events but socials - and they're a good way to learn about others interests and dynamics.  

[110cn]

Maybe you are switch. 

[ey****]

I knew I should have mentioned switch ;)

The concept of switch is often a catch-all red-herring.

So, to the left of the slash there's differences between Owner, Dominant, Top, Sadist and to the right there's difference between slave, sub, bottom, masochist

This is also before you get into anything like Daddy/Mommy, little, pet, handler,  so on.

A switch can almost be anything on the left with anything on the right.

So, someone who is both Dominant and submissive would be a presumed example of a switch, but this could be quite different to say... sadomasichist (technically a switch...!) or a Dominant with a masochistic streak (but no other sub tendancies) or a submissive who enjoys a little service Topping now and then.

Also, how much on either side of the slash they are.

So, you can have two people who are switches with VERY different terms.

I often feel if your kink interests is just a little dabbling, even if it is on both sides of the slash, it's probably best to avoid using 'switch' as it detracts away from where you are.

I made a tad mess, but hopefully it makes sense.

[Mi****]

I would suggest you skip the dating site aspect and go to a munch, that way you will be able to talk to people and learn about bdsm in general without the added pressure of being on a "date" It could help you sort out who you are and what you are interested in

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, MissTillysue said:

I would suggest you skip the dating site aspect and go to a munch, that way you will be able to talk to people and learn about bdsm in general without the added pressure of being on a "date" It could help you sort out who you are and what you are interested in

I’ve been to munches before and it doesn’t really help. 

[Deleted Member]

23 hours ago, 110cn said:

Maybe you are switch. 

I hesitate to call myself switch since I don’t really have a dominant side. I want to dominate a woman, but it doesn’t really seem to be in my nature. I even had someone at a munch mockingly question me about it.

[ca****]

As the advice above says - it is probably worthwhile going to munches and asking questions on forums - in order to gain info / insights as to how this works for others and the discover the breadth of characters to be found - and the varying levels of intensity.

It may also be that you are suited  to learn / discover thru experience in order to determine what it is you seek or are ?   Getting to that stage may require doing the first bit ;)

 

[Mi****]

41 minutes ago, Lonelyvirgin said:

I hesitate to call myself switch since I don’t really have a dominant side. I want to dominate a woman, but it doesn’t really seem to be in my nature. I even had someone at a munch mockingly question me about it.

I would say if it is not in your nature you may struggle with this

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, callipygian said:

As the advice above says - it is probably worthwhile going to munches and asking questions on forums - in order to gain info / insights as to how this works for others and the discover the breadth of characters to be found - and the varying levels of intensity.

It may also be that you are suited  to learn / discover thru experience in order to determine what it is you seek or are ?   Getting to that stage may require doing the first bit ;)

 

 

1 hour ago, callipygian said:

As the advice above says - it is probably worthwhile going to munches and asking questions on forums - in order to gain info / insights as to how this works for others and the discover the breadth of characters to be found - and the varying levels of intensity.

It may also be that you are suited  to learn / discover thru experience in order to determine what it is you seek or are ?   Getting to that stage may require doing the first bit ;)

 

I’ve gone to munches,  but I sort of became disillusioned as nothing really changed for me there. I liked the people, but more often than not, I would end up talking to people of my own gender (I am straight), or couples, and a lot of couples go to these munches. 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, MissTillysue said:

I would say if it is not in your nature you may struggle with this

I agree. I am curious if i could be dominant if I could built a mutual trust with a woman.

[ca****]

3 hours ago, Lonelyvirgin said:

 

I’ve gone to munches,  but I sort of became disillusioned as nothing really changed for me there. I liked the people, but more often than not, I would end up talking to people of my own gender (I am straight), or couples, and a lot of couples go to these munches. 

Well that sounds like a good start and congrats for doing.  But maybe give it time - things cant always happen quickly and over time you will find that couples, people you meet will know other people and 'opportunities' will appear.
 

[ey****]

I think some things to consider with munches

they're not for everyone and they're not designed as hook-up.

I think something a lot of (usually) guys usually fall flat on is they automatically want to talk to women - rather than people from their own peer group.    

 

[Oubliet]

Join a mixed martial arts club, your testosterone will teach you dominance

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think some things to consider with munches

they're not for everyone and they're not designed as hook-up.

I think something a lot of (usually) guys usually fall flat on is they automatically want to talk to women - rather than people from their own peer group.    

 

I went to a munch on and off for two years. Nothing changed.

[BigPolly]

Why don’t you look at the other roles within bdsm, maybe a more gentler Daddy role or little role, or maybe you’re just looking for a little kinky play but they whole thing here is to explore, enjoy yourself, step outside your boundaries a little but don’t be too quick to label yourself. 

You’re in the right place for talking to people & you may find some people in here to meet. Also there is a whole mix of people at fet events & in fet clubs 

Edited March 2, 2019 by BigPolly

[Deleted Member]

as BigPolly said there is not only Dom or sub, you could just be a kinkster, or fetishist.

there is another fetish site try there but to be honest with you the search is long and need to be patient. 

[Deleted Member]

On 3/1/2019 at 10:32 PM, BigPolly said:

Why don’t you look at the other roles within bdsm, maybe a more gentler Daddy role or little role, or maybe you’re just looking for a little kinky play but they whole thing here is to explore, enjoy yourself, step outside your boundaries a little but don’t be too quick to label yourself. 

You’re in the right place for talking to people & you may find some people in here to meet. Also there is a whole mix of people at fet events & in fet clubs 

Eh the daddy thing has always wei

 

On 3/2/2019 at 7:50 AM, FabSeverus said:

as BigPolly said there is not only Dom or sub, you could just be a kinkster, or fetishist.

there is another fetish site try there but to be honest with you the search is long and need to be patient. 

I see. I thought a kinkster or fetishist was just broad terms that a dom and sub could fall into. I didn’t think they were different altogether.

[ey****]

4 hours ago, Lonelyvirgin said:

I see. I thought a kinkster or fetishist was just broad terms that a dom and sub could fall into. I didn’t think they were different altogether.

they can be, but can be different.

so, you might have a fetish for, I dunno - feet, shoes, latex, whatever but have nothing else that you're really into

kinkster can someone who just generally likes kinky fun and not really in role.    I think a lot more people are actually this.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

they can be, but can be different.

so, you might have a fetish for, I dunno - feet, shoes, latex, whatever but have nothing else that you're really into

kinkster can someone who just generally likes kinky fun and not really in role.    I think a lot more people are actually this.

So you don’t necessarily need to be dominant or submissive to spank someone or tie them up and vice versa. I struggle because I can’t see myself as a dominant, but I also can’t see myself being happy as just as submissive. 

[ey****]

6 hours ago, Lonelyvirgin said:

So you don’t necessarily need to be dominant or submissive to spank someone or tie them up and vice versa. I struggle because I can’t see myself as a dominant, but I also can’t see myself being happy as just as submissive. 

no. if you want to spank someone and they consent to being spanked by you then it doesn't matter.