Deleted Member Posted March 15, 2019 Posted March 15, 2019 Hi all, just wanted some advice about having a kink related relationship when you are depressed, anxious and have other issues such as: trust issues, believing that I am lovable, that people really do care/love me, low self esteem. I have had a lot of long distance, online relationships that have failed, due to men using issues I have against me, or apparently I am a nuisance, or burden due to feeling anxious and insecure (due to men saying 5hey want me and sometimes it seems like they want me sometimes it doesn't. What is the best way for me to show someone I want to pursue a relationship that I am loyal, trustworthy, that I do care/love them! (a relationship is about compromise, give and take, equal amounts of respect, time given to the other person.)
ey**** Posted March 15, 2019 Posted March 15, 2019 I think first off, as you say, there's always those that seek to exploit assorted MH issues for their own means : or, of course, sometimes the feeling that someone is/might my own anxiety/MH was a factor in the breakdown of a recent relationship - and - on the back of this I got talking with a friend who recommend I seek some help : self-help if nothing else. This in turn would (a) help me (b) show that I'm at least looking to self-improve there's a whole range of blogs that exist and online articles depending on your needs - I read a book which has given me a couple of coping techniques which has helped a little bit - but as good as these may turn out to be, they can't substitute time with a mental health professional. kink can bring happiness, it can boost your esteem, it can do these things - but it shouldn't be something relied on for it - because then the removal removes those factors : someone cancels plans or swings off to someone else and instead of thinking "something came up" or "sod them" you end up feeling frustrated and it adding to unhappiness. obviously the system in this country could be a lot better - but - showing that you're making steps to improve will (a) help you weed out those seeking to exploit (b) show those that are not that you are seeking to work through your issues.
Deleted Member Posted March 15, 2019 Author Posted March 15, 2019 That makes sense, but counselling hasn't helped me so don't see the point of it. I'm just fed with with being hopeful about something such as a relationship, and it doesn't go the way I thought it would. I am not good at reading signals about the way a person feels about me as a person, friend or potential girlfriend, men give me mixed signals, act hot, cold, emotionally distant and indiffeent, but then caring and supportive the next day, so it confuses me. I am and always will be direct and brutally honest about what I want even if it is ***ful, so maybe I am/can be intimidating I guess :/
3S**** Posted March 16, 2019 Posted March 16, 2019 (edited) 5 hours ago, Masochist_Chick666 said: What is the best way for me to show someone I want to pursue a relationship that I am loyal, trustworthy, that I do care/love them! (a relationship is about compromise, give and take, equal amounts of respect, time given to the other person.) Time. It takes time and consistency to build up trust. I agree with eyem as well on working on and helping yourself. You might find someone compatible even if you don't but seeing as you're complaining you haven't then doing this stuff for yourself seems like the obvious choice. But you should do it for you i think, not just to get into a relationship, and then at least you won't be as *** nor feel like you are hopefully. You can find life coaches for free on youtube and facebook what you'll learn a lot from. Sift through a few and find one which suits you best. Or maybe join some support forums or groups? This is just advice, sorry if the way i've written it seems like i'm demanding you do it, you can take my advice or not obviously. Edited March 16, 2019 by 3SumQueen spelt something wrong
Deleted Member Posted March 16, 2019 Author Posted March 16, 2019 How am I complaining? Men say that they love mr, care about me, want a relationship, they talk to me one day then ignore me the next. It's narcissistic, passive aggressive bullying all the time, a total mindfuck because they give me mixed messages, so sometimes it seems like they care sometimes it doesn't. Apparently men only act like this because I am anxious when they don't talk to me, because I have issues with trust, rejection/abandonment. So what gives a guy the right to use the issues I have to use as a excuse o push me away/reject me when they are not perfect and have issues/baggage anyway? Wtf?
3S**** Posted March 16, 2019 Posted March 16, 2019 Anybody is allowed to 'push' someone away or reject them whenever they feel like it. It's called self care and you need self esteem to be able to do this. I think men are lying, maybe not intentionally, about being in love with you. If they say it before they actually know you then they can't actually love you? Rejecting you once they get to know you seems cruel bu tis understandable. If they're doing this intentioanally to use you then i agree it is abusive and cruel (and some guys feel the need to do this to get what they want) but there are things you can learn to avoid being used, these will vary depending on how you want to be treated.
Deleted Member Posted March 16, 2019 Author Posted March 16, 2019 it takes a real good Dom to help a sub recovering from anxiety and project self esteem back into that person. I am afraid online relationship doesnt give that option in my opinion, and you will fell for people who will used you for one purpose only. Without being disrespectful you sound desperate enough to let them in without showing some real care about what kind of relationship you really want.
Deleted Member Posted March 16, 2019 Author Posted March 16, 2019 Personally I'd just break it down as there are separate issues here. 1) Mental health 2) emotional damage 3)relationships 4) kink/sexual preferences. I'd probably recommend dealing with them in that order too although 1 & 2 can be interchangeable, i. e Mental health can be partially a symptom of past emotional *** and family issues. Unless you give the first two some horns to get a hold of and wrestle with until tamed, I wouldn't even consider a relationship, you're simply not confident or strong enough to have a healthy relationship. Once relationships form, allow those to solidify before becoming overly intimate, the very nature of intimacy can leave you ***. Again you need to deal with and start conquering your first (for want of a better word) weaknesses before introducing more. Allow things to progress slowly and naturally exercising restraint and discernment, trust your alarm bells and act on them accordingly. Lastly address and introduce your kinks, once strength and trust are developed. Communication, trust, respect, responsibility are the foundation for a relationship, no point building a house and furnishing it on a shit foundation. Houses also take time to build and shortcuts lead to structural weakness, impairing longevity.
Deleted Member Posted March 17, 2019 Author Posted March 17, 2019 Wtf? How am I desperate? I know what I want and desrve, I love myself, respect myself, know my self worth. I know what I want and I am determined to get what I want/deserve. No one that has abusive background is not going to have issues and no one is perfect without any flaws or doesn't have issues related to baggage. It seems like men sometimes want to rush things, or not long after knowing me, they tell me they love me, this can be a red flag that represents a controlling person. Sometimes it seems like a guy would only want to have a relationship with me to boost their own ego, sexual gratification, just so they can say that they were with me because they are a narcissistic, passive aggressive, controlling, manipulative, Marseille that charmed with their supposed feelings, care, love, whatever. Love can be a way of conditioning a person to a t a certain way just to please someone, to bend to their will but only on their terms of course there is no compromise or mutual respect and understanding for whatever reason. I have never felt loved in my life, have been hurt a lot in various ways, so love in a relationship, being loved means a lot to me and I take it seriously. So if you guys have helpful advise before judging me then maybe it would be appreciated more, you don't know me or what I have been through to get to the point where I finally know I love myself and what I deserve or what I want. I have been through a lot of s hit in my life, so for people here to judge me it is hurtful.
Deleted Member Posted March 17, 2019 Author Posted March 17, 2019 I think if you want some help from us you nee to mind your language. I never said you are desperate but you “sound desperate to them”... good luck in your search
Deleted Member Posted March 17, 2019 Author Posted March 17, 2019 Your comment was rude in the first place and offended me!
KCurious Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 Ah Hey Masochist _ Chick666, I’m sure people here are just trying to help out and didn’t meant that. We have some in common I must say. Its only a suggestion , but it is not my place to say this is the right thing for you, but it was for me. There were so much things going on that I ended up losing faith and trust with the people whom I cared and loved so dearly that had let to consequences ; where I ended up pushing them away or giving them the cold me - one that thinks it’s the answer , I still do at times feel that is the answer. Though deep down I know it’s wrong way to deal with those “trusting issues”. At the end of the day I mustered up courage and tried building up trust with others even they once hurt me, it doesn’t mean I cant give 2nd chances right ? Well with me there always is chances. Another is I took a break away from here this whole lifestyle became a toxic environment too me and I tried finding other distractions and interests and invested my time on that instead. However I am back , still gaps in between but I am filling them up as my journey comes to live again. You could always start looking for friends first than jumping into a relationship. Sometime a friend can be a shoulder to lean on and more easier to open up and communicate along with that trust than it is when your in a relationship.You also learn more about yourself and others as well this lifestyle. How it changes you in a good way. Another is if you like writing or even make a blog that shows your whole life purpose and the downs you have and the ups you have. The. Try think how should I deal with these complications , how do I trust them ? Is there a resolution ? Being in any relationship is hard and without trust and confidence is hell harder but never give up it is possible just timing and yourself trying to move forward , letting that someone special in. Anyways you can feel free to PM if you would like to have a reader. 😊 Have fun ! ☘️
Deleted Member Posted March 18, 2019 Author Posted March 18, 2019 Am I ever do is worry about the present, the future outcome of any potential relationship, if they actually love me, care or want a relationship like they said they did. If they truly cared they wouldn't abandon me at random without explanation. Sometimes I feel like men don't respect me or respect what I want. Sorry for being rude to anyone but since I am struggling to get the help I need in other aspects of my life, I am focusing on this, maybe a little too much but because I know what I want and my own happiness and love are important to me. I have limited experience with sex, kink, not much experience with dating in general due to be sexually repressed for a long time and no man being interested in me.
ey**** Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 I don't have a quick answer for you. But, before you get a man to love you, for you - first off - you need you to love you for being you. You are attractive, but I can see you're obviously struggling. A lot of the problems will keep happening until you can work on the above. I know this, because I've been in similar positions myself. Obviously we do have the issue that a lot with Mental Health can be a fucking mine field - trying different things, whether that's treatments, programmes, medication - and it's a very much trial and error basis. Things that have been working for me, might not for you - otherwise I'd just tell you what I did and boom - sorted. Something I learned. When you rely on someone else for happiness it drains them - and a lot of people then start overthinking or treading on eggshells wanting to make you happy and when it doesn't work out it's just a mess. They feel stressed and drained and you feel frustrated, disappointed and abandoned. You've got to look within yourself of what makes YOU happy - that isn't from other people. What can you do that can influence this?
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