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StellaStarlight

Ask Stella | BDSM Sex Tips & Advice Column

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StellaStarlight
Posted

New to Fetish.com is my monthly column 'Ask Stella'.   If you're new to BDSM and need some things explaining or would like some BDSM advice in general, each month I'll choose one question/problem to answer, which will be published online as an article in the Fetish.com magazine.  

To submit your question, send me a private message detailing exactly what you'd like to know. 

Unfortunately, I can't enter into any personal correspondence that's not related to the advice column.

Ask Stella | BDSM Sex Tips & Advice Column

 

SubbyKel89
Posted

I'm saying that I'm new to the scene because I've not done or been interestedin kink for 7 year's. 

Unfortunately was put off by bad dom who would not listen to my limits at the time.

I'm now interested in exploring being a sub again but no clue or not sure if I can trust anyone again. 

What would you suggest I start with?

Posted

I would start with getting to know people and what's new on kink scene as you been away from it,,

Just take it easy to begin with until find your feet

Posted
On 12/31/2017 at 12:40 PM, SubbyKel89 said:

I'm saying that I'm new to the scene because I've not done or been interestedin kink for 7 year's. 

Unfortunately was put off by bad dom who would not listen to my limits at the time.

I'm now interested in exploring being a sub again but no clue or not sure if I can trust anyone again. 

What would you suggest I start with?

Hey, if you want Stella to answer, you need to send your question via PM! If you want more general answers from our community, start a topic here in the forum :) 

JayDom
Posted

My sub wife refuses to discuss sex outside of sex. It makes it very difficult to explore new ideas or set boundaries or even a safe word. She enjoys degradation, humiliation, slapping, spanking, giving oral, forced anal, being bound, handcuffed, blindfolded, and more but she will not discuss it ever. Everything we do has been learned through trial and error with no verbal communication.

The latest example is breast slapping, I discovered this by accident. I had her strip naked on a long drive home one night and I was reaching over playing with her breasts with one hand when I smacked her breast lightly. She moaned a little so I slapped it again and again, and she seemed to like it. The next time we had sex I was on top and I smacked her breast lightly and she said “slap my tits, slap them” so I continued slapping them, giving them a smack and leaving my hand there to comfort the sting. I started slapping them harder, and slapping them from all angles, and slapping right on the nipples. I asked if she liked it and she said yes and I let her know I could tell because her pussy got very wet after I started the slapping. Her breasts were red and really abused by the end, I finished inside of her and spent some time kissing her breasts softly and cuddling her afterward.

i wanted to talk about it, I wanted to know if this was okay to add to the menu, she refused to discuss it. It leaves me confused, I will do it again but I’d like some feedback.

 

the same happens with anal, I hate to say it but I think she likes being forced anally. When I want it I will lube her and she will say no, I will ask whose ass it is and she will say that it is Yours. I will attempt to go in and she will fight it, I used to stop and then she’d say why are you giving up, don’t you want to fuck my ass and so i would force my way in and she’d end up begging after I’d forced my way in “fuck my ass”, now when she fights it I fight back and force it, and it hurts her badly physically, I will be rough and take her anally and she will be begging me to finish in her ass or her mouth, she will be saying harder and faster, she will say I am yours that ass is yours, etc but I have to force her. But once the next morning, one of the few times she has discussed sex, she was in some pain from soreness and she states “I didn’t consent to anal last night, hubby” I told her she never consents and I told her I would back off if she showed hesitation and she said okay. But it’s confusing to me because I don’t know if the hesitation means to force her or if the hesitation means no and she will not say either way. I end up unsatisfied if I force her thinking it was non consensual and I end up unstaisfied if I back off when I wanted anal but she hesitated.

I wish she’d talk about it with me so that I know when it’s alright to force things or when it’s not. Communication is just not there, and while I take what I want from her and she seems happy with that I would like some assurance that it is. Maybe I should leave it alone,  she gives me everything. I attempted to discuss it calmly and safely the other night and she became very hurt and said “I give you everything, all of me, I don’t want to talk about please don’t make me” with tears in her eyes so I dropped it. 

What should I do?

Emma3131
Posted

Maybe instead of a conversation, you could propose that you make a 'would, maybe, won't list.' You could do it first and show her your list and then ask if she would make one. If something is in the 'won't'  list you know she is never consenting to that act. But, if its in the 'maybe' list it depends on the circumstances and you can see her response.  If it is in the 'would' list you know that she is fine with the act. Sharing lists and you going first is less confrontational than a conversation and may make her feel more comfortable. 


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