Thank you, thank you! Yes, unfortunately it is so very true that sometimes a "yes" comes out despite an actual conviction not being present. And this might be the moment when actual and proper knowledge of and consideration for each other could be so helpful.
As to your question whether those Read more… blatant messages ever work: yes they do. With absolute newbies. With my first two interactions on apps like this one some years ago, it took two messages before I was ready to strip down and offer myself for whatever was demanded, and of course there were no limits to be found in my submission.. F.R.E.N.Z.Y is all I'll say. Takes a nervous breakdown to learn that this might not be the way forward.

P.S.: Rage baiting a la @Novasomething is best simply ignored..

:1786959187,7623499,Love the “high strung” analogy. Makes me curious if people often have told you that you overthink?
What I get a lot is being told to stop thinking so "negatively" all the time by (play) partners. Which I hate to be told even though I understand what makes them Read more… say it. But trying to make sure you wont hurt is not negative, just perhaps overly cautious in my books and telling someone to simply stop doing something.. welll, that's just idiotic. Sorry, mini rant.
So if that counts as overthinking then yes.

:1786942025,5671712,the easiest answer is *** triggers an endorphin rush along with the release of adrenaline and dopamine you add into that that the *** and the sexual pleasure part basically sit as neighbors in your brain sometimes the signals get crossed or sometimes they just sit really Read more… close together there's many reasons why it crosses over from the two parts but what you get and is " O baby it hearts so good" then to land the whole thing *** brings you into the moment completely where your mind's not drifting and thinking of other things highly intelligent people and people with ADHD often have a hard time shutting off inner thoughts this is a way of drowning out the noise and bringing you into the present moment it could also be a learned thing when you have experienced light amount of *** along with sexual pleasure for long enough your brain interprets the two together that's the simplest version I can give you
I've thought a bit about the learned behaviour / reaction idea. And I tried to remember when I first could have associated it which was when I was discovering sexual urges and went at masturbating in .. let's say interesting ways. So of course, I would have trained it right from the start. Which I just hadn't thought about for some reason. I always thought it started only once I was with another person but that's rubbish.
However, that leaves the question why I would have gone to this behaviour straight away and I think the ADHD theory could come into play. I don't think I have ADHD but I've always been high-strung and so that would explain why I would have needed more intense impulses to get into the zone just to get through all the other neuronal activity going on at the same time.

Thank you. It somehow helps me to understand this. So that would mean I'd have to go into ultra-relaxed states to feel light touch more intensely. Interesting. And I actually like that it has a lot to do with biology and is not only a case of "well she's f.. up in the head".

First it was the wonderful openness and playfulness of my first Dom that made me tell him some extreme fantasies so that we subsequently could live them out. With the second one it was pure and simple indifference to being alive that gave me the courage to open up about and then going to rather Read more… dark and dangerous places. Somehow I survived and am still intact. So I'll have to keep going it seems.

:1786833243,5215381,
Thanks ☺️ I think im just sick of not being able to be me, in lots of ways, not just my relationship - midlife crisis 😂
I've been where you're at a few years ago, I just was a bit more radical with it.. After having tried my very best to reignite the fire Read more… between my ex-husband and I, I told him one day that I would have the sex that I had forever longed to have with or without him as this was my life and my body. So I opened up the relationship and ventured out into the world of sexual deviance on my own. Needless to say that we separated (amicably) some months later, but we both realised in the process how far we'd come but also how far we'd grown apart from our former common goals in life and that now we were on two very different individual paths. That was at the root of it all and had lead to the unfulfilled sexual urges and petty arguments.
So this is one way it can go and while it wasn't the easy route, today we can both see that all these things were just symptoms of an underlying and foundational incompatibility.
Best of luck to you and your partner.

@anotherusername I love the analogy you gave. It made me laugh out loud because it's so ridiculously spot on. Thank you for this post!

:1786704196,7669037,The book “Hurts so Good” is helpful in trying to understand why we like *** more than others.
Thank you for the recommendation. I read some reviews and found this quote from the book: "I have come to think of my experiences with masochism as a kind of biohacking: Read more… a way to use the electrochemistry of my body in a deliberate way for the purpose of curating a specific experience. Something about my response to *** is different, be it inborn or learned (or both, I suspect). It’s something that allows me to craft a little pocket of joy for myself, an engineered release [...]."
This still doesn't answer the question what causes anyone's need/wish for ***, but it's a very pragmatic way of looking at it. I also like the aspect of learned association as @TomWhttt has mentioned. Because if done with presence and reflection instead of the simple 'well it feels good' reasoning, I can see it as a part of a repertoire rather than a necessity. This would leave room open for more gentle touch becoming nurturing or even arousing as well which would be so amazing for some parts within! It would be a more holistic approach to intimacy. And this way, it doesn't feel anymore like an either / or situation, but an 'all the colours of the rainbow are welcome' one. Thank you for your comments! 🫶

When I was younger, there used to be this saying going around that blonde women were marriage material while brunettes were good for the bedroom, so I agree with @prettyvisage888, such sayings are ways to rein*** internalised shame in women. And are obviously complete bullshit because last I Read more… checked there were millions of brunettes married to someone. I'm actually surprised that anyone under the age of 50 is still uttering such moronic phrases, but perhaps he was older? If not, then you might want to ask yourself if someone who lives in a world of clichés created in the last century is worth your time and your beautiful soul. He might not have been aware of what he caused in you, but ignorance doesn't justify dumb-ass behaviour, end of.
With your question about BDSM-men, well I've got to say that I met my Doms in the vanilla world and they could very much differentiate between calling me a dirty slut in the bedroom vs. calling me a sex goddess outside of it.

I hadn't even thought about somatic experiences, but of course you are right! The***utic massages could make emotional release possible in a very gentle and intimate and beautiful way! Thank you for this inspiration.

As for spiciness, my approach is so very different this time. I'm serious about Read more… establishing an emotional connection before a physical one. Knowing that we are sexually very compatible makes this possible without worrying that we might actually connect emotionally just to find that we don't work in the bedroom.
But I've underestimated what such a true emotional connection actually brings up. If there is somebody you truly trust and if you want to get to know each other as the people that you truly are, including all complexities, then that opens a door within and so I find myself wanting to tell him things I can't tell anyone else. But of course during a getting to know each other phase, you simply don't know how the other person will react, because there are all these firsts. So for now I *** there's a lot of headache to get through before there is even the possibility of any spice. So yes, 6 months from now might be a better moment for an update.

:1786600497,7265081,
Tried to send a dm because this is off topic. I also highly recommend getting massages certified (you don't have to sit for the exam and get licensed for a career) it is one of the best experiences I have had, allowing me to intimately connection with so many people Read more… non-sexually and the doors it opens emotionally for those in your care makes you feel like you have unlocked some of your purpose even. It is a wonderful enhancement to a touch love language. I went through night school and it was difficult with long nights but so rewarding for my whole circle. As a giver this increases my capability to give and meet other givers.
Mh, I can see that bringing a beautiful layer! I once had the pleasure of being in the hands of a partner who worked as a physio therapist. When he massaged me once, it was so different! He only massaged a small part of my lower back as I had told him that I was in PMS-related back ***. His movement was minimal, but I never ever had felt a muscular relief as through that massage! For me, he was a magician and my gratitude to him added a lot to all other parts of our interaction.
Regarding DMs: The messages I received from men via this app were apart from possibly four exceptions (and this is NOT an exaggeration!) so atrociously boring / non-sensical / moronic / repetitive that I simply closed my mail box off to any and every man on here. I guess if I were to add you as a "favourite", that channel would open up in case you'd like to contact me in the future.

:1786500670,7265081,
I encourage you to be together as much as possible during your abstinence and be as affectionate and *** and romantic as you can be to each other. I have a strict no boinking for at least a week and a few dates policy myself, but I don't have anything against non-sexual Read more… intimacy and it's a real good way to get to know someone. Two weeks without seeing each other isn't going to build the same tension 🥵😫🤣 I am happy for you.
Agreed. I've experienced this once so far, a former partner wanted to first get to know me properly before we'd have sex. We waited for a month until I just couldn't wait any longer and every cuddle session before the release did not only build tension, but allowed our bodies to find a common rhythm somehow. So when we finally had sex, it was pretty amazing! Much more intimate than any other "first time" I'd had. So your policy has quite some benefits to it, I'm sure.

:1786469204,7265081,So, what are you thoughts now?
What are you still struggling with?
I don't think I'm struggling with anything right now. On the contrary. Now that I've made clear what it is I'm hoping to get out of a renewed connection, it's such an easy ride. For others this Read more… might be something very basic, but for the first time, I confidently asked for an STD test to be done before we engage further. In our interactions, I am so much more confident, it's really surprising. I look forward to being intimate, but also I'm looking forward to first getting to know him. I will not engage in sexual activities before everything within me feels ready for it, I've promised myself and my body this. And that I need to wait for two weeks for the results of my own tests is very helpful, I'll admit that! Again, for others this might be the norm, for me it's a first.
Plus, I'm learning that seeing his reactions to my prerequisites and boundaries tell me more about him than three years of a turbulent on/off thingy have done. He really seems like a good guy. So yeah, for now: no struggles, just new and good experiences.