Just as a warning this is a long post, and it is not as organized as it could be. I would really appreciate advice, as I am at a loss at this point.
I want to introduce bdsm to my partner, but I am unsure how to go about it. (I am submissive and would like him to be more dominant) I have wanted it
Read more…for a few years, I try to keep content by reading bdsm style erotic fiction. But then I just get frustrated because I can not have what I am reading. I then read way to much, and get burnt out. Right now being burnt out helps because my needs don't bother me as much. But I can not keep doing things this way. I know if I just sit and talk to him about a bunch of stuff he will freak out. So I know it will need to be done slowly. I don't want to go about it in a manipulative way either.
Sometimes I feel like I can see a dom peeking through in him, but sometimes I feel like it is hopeless for me to even be trying. For example when we bought some handcuffs last year I saw some nipple clamps while we were there. He had joked about them before so I suggested them hoping he was willing to try them. He assumed they were for both of us and panicked a bit. But when I told him they would be for me he was surprised and (even though he tried to hide it) a bit freaked out that I would want them. We have only used the hand cuffs once.. and again I didn't realise they were to be used on both of us. He used them 90% of the time and I got them 10%. He really enjoyed them, more than I thought he would.
So that makes me wonder if he is submissive as well? But here's where I am getting confused. Sometimes he will act like a dom. One day he was starting dinner and I had just gotten the groceries put away. I started to leave the kitchen and he said, "What are you doing? You were not dismissed from the kitchen." Which of course really turned me on, he had never said anything like that before. The next day he had asked me why I was so horny that night, and I told him why. (Which honestly was pretty difficult for me because I was highly embarrassed, and he knew it) I thought he would be freaked out again but he just kindly laughed and said, "so you like being bossed around" (again in a kind manor, he was not mean about it) And a few times a week he will just do things that remind me of a dom, but not this direct. I'm not sure if he even realises he is doing it, or if it's all in my head. Usually when he wants to have sex, he asks or basicly begs, which is a big turn off for me. I want him to take it, not beg. So that transpires into me not wanting to most of the time. So I had hoped him knowing that doing those things turn me on would result in him doing it more often. But he has not seemed to do it as intense or intentionaly since. He just keeps saying/doing things that come off to me as something a dom would say.
I am not experienced in bdsm, so I am unsure how to read his mixed signals. I decided to slowly introduce different things in hope that he would discover his inner dom. I asked him a few weeks ago to call me dirty names in bed, which he really took to and does it every time now. I now plan to ask about the handcuffs more often. But as I keep thinking about the over all signals I'm getting, I start to feel hopeless. Is he submissive? Is he a switch? Does he even have the dom in him I am hoping to help uncover? Is it this all wishful thinking and he actually doesn't care for any of it? I have no idea. I am really starting to feel like I am only noticing his "dom like" actions because I want to see them. I need the opinion of someone else looking in. I do not want to end our relationship over this. We have been together for over 3 years, have a child together, and don't have any issues outside of me wanting this. I don't know if I should just keep introducing things slowly. I dont even know what I could introduce after handcuffs and a blind fold that I know won't freak him out. Or should I chalk it all up to my own wishful thinking, find ways to keep content and make peace with the fact there is no dom inside him?
Again I'm sorry about the length of this post, any advice would be greatly appreciated.