18 year old female virgin wanting to join BDSM community. Need advice. Virgin Fetish?

[castleofcards]

Hi! So I have been interested in BDSM for some years and now that I have turned 18 I am wanting to get into it. I'm a virgin and the farthest I've gone with a person is making out and grinding. I have an idea of things I would be interested in doing but of course won't know what I like until I try it. I want to start off being submissive and go from there. The only problem is that I am extremely nervous and scared of being looked down upon in the community because of my age and experience. I know that there's a lot of good people here but the thought of going to one of the munches and everyone looking at me as some little kid is really intimidating. I feel like no one will be interested because of my age and I also feel like it will be hard to form connections with people in the community due to our age gap, from what I've seen everyone seems to be drastically older than me. Another concern I have is being taken advantage of because I am younger and inexperienced and don't want to just be a tock for someone's virgin fetish. 

I guess my question to you guys is 1. are there a lot of people in the age range of 18 to late 20s in the community? 2. would older people say in their 30s even be willing to play or be friends with me? and 3. how does the community feel about virgins entering? Or is there some kind of Virgin fetish or will i get rejected for that? And overall I would just like some advice on what to look out for, what kind of people to avoid, and what to expect at munches. Thank you in advance and sorry for all the questions!

[ey****]

what to expect at munches; they're pretty social affairs - there's no play and the aim is to effectively socialise, make new friends, talk openly about kink/fetishes and so on.

They're not mandatory... but there's pros and cons to them.

Agewise... generally, people tend to judge based on attitude rather than age.  Younger guys have said they sometimes feel they struggle but some of this could be because they're perceived as inexperienced also (whereas a 'new' 40+ year old would be assumed to be a touch more experienced) so it is about being clear in your experience but not dwelling either way.

What I would say is... if you are a young lady then there are people who would of course love to play with you - but... be wary.  If someone seems especially quick to want to play or "teach" you then it could be for the wrong reasons including wishing to take advantage of your naivety or person with a virgin fetish who see's you as a number not a human. 

Some may see the prospect of a young virgin lady as a challenge.... which, I dunno, not so cool. Another side of the virgin fetish maybe?

Generally, I'd recommend boosting as much knowledge as you can so when people tell you "this is the way things are" you know if that sits right with you.

[Smokeshrew]

I second what eyemblacksheep says. Some people may be reluctant to play with a much younger person because of lack of experience, but there are many who would enjoy the prospect of initiating a new person into the fold. Although this largely depends on personal attraction, my guess is not that you’ll struggle for partners but that you’ll get hit on left, right and centre (in other words, just be yourself and I think you’ll do fine).

But this is why you ought to be very conscious of predators. Not to intimidate you, but they’re always out there, in any community. Not just talking about people with a virgin fetish, if that is a thing. I think the best thing you can do is find a good support network. Try to make friends in the community and use your best judgement to seek out people who seem trustworthy. You can afford to be picky, and to take your time building trust. With experienced friends to guide you (friends who care about you for you, not just because they want to sleep with you), you’ll have advice and support on hand. Also, they’ll be able to introduce you to people who they trust that might want to play. And, pro tip, at least some of your support network should be women.

[Deleted Member]

There are so many things to learn and know about. Virgin fetish is probably a thing. There's a fetish for everything isn't there? And virgin fetish makes sense. 

[LeedsDaddy]

Welcome to the community. Perhaps you need a mentor.

[Deleted Member]

Welcome to fetish world. 
well done for asking some good questions, this is a very good start and show you are willing to learn properly. 
There are plenty of young people who want to join the community so you are not the only one. 
My youngest sub was 19 and she was just like you eager to jump into her fantasy world and make it reality. 
as for your virginity well that’s really a gift. Some people do have a virgin fetish. 

So just be careful who you chat with and don’t hesitate asking experienced subs and Doms/Dommes on here for advices. 

[Kinky_Key]

Hey, I’m in the exact same position as you. There are going to be guys out there who will go try to take advantage of you because they know your inexperienced and you don’t know what to expect. I had a dom just tell me this:

You are a sub, but not *their* sub.
You are a slave, but not *their* slave.
They are a dom, but not *your* dom.

They can not tell you what to do unless you let them. And I wouldn’t let them until you’ve built a bind with that person and respect them. You do not have to respect them, and you don’t have to message any of them back. I have looked at so many profiles that have said, “I don’t like being ignored” and I can tell you that it’s not your job to please them unless you want it to be.

If they are truly interest in you and not just your virginity for some kind of virgin fetish they will take the time to get to know you. I am talking to *the* sweetest guy right now and not only is he focused on me and my interests, he hasn’t tried pushing me into bdsm related topics. If you want something long term and lasting I would go for somebody who doesn’t just message you saying he wants to teach you how to take a cock up your ass.  n

There will be plenty of people messaging you from all over. Since I started on this website about (?) a year ago I have had a couple people message me every day. There will be plenty of opportunities. Plus, doms will love you because you haven’t been trained yet so they get the honor of training you to be exactly as they please.

You’ll get there!!

P.S. I made a forum post called “Advice” not too long ago which is where I got all of this advice from. It was really helpful and I think it will help you too. Btw, keep asking questions. It helps

[Te****]

Go. Slow. <<--best advice
Ask questions.
Go to munches, classes and discussion groups.
Be wary, people Will Want to take advantage of you. In the name of virgin fetish or whatever.
Try to find an active TNG Group near you.

[Ni****]

Excellent advice already, and you will find that you are some Dom's perfect submissive x Have fun and enjoy x

[Genki_]

I can't offer advice but I'm 18 and a virgin as well

[Chelsey]

I told my niece when she was young that when she became interested in a man for whatever reason, ask him one question - "Do you believe that some women just look like they're asking for it?"

A man who says yes cannot be trusted. If he spends time thinking about the answer, he's thinking how his answer can implicate him. He's an automatic yes. A man who tries to explain his answer by misplacing 'looks' for 'acts' is trying to connect a pattern of behavior based solely on what he sees. That's stereotyping. Remind him you didn't say, 'acts like', you said, 'looks like.'

Every *** victim is subject to this dangerous mentality. His thing is a weapon and you are not a person. You're someone who deserves it. 

So beware of anyone approaching you with virgin fetish or an interest in just that.

I know this is harsh to read. And believe me, the question is not nearly as neurotic as the answer. Take it as a tool to know who to trust; And for those of us men who have honest hearts, a change of attitude.

[Bigdonpatrick]

I'm can be a helping hand to get the answer to the most questions you may have about how to get into the BDSM life and your questions you may have to me that you would have a answer of by me and I don't think anything is wrong to ask if you have a thought that is in your mind

[Startnate]

Shoot me a message if u want and we can go over some basics

[ey****]

I should mention.  Be aware of anyone who tries to isolate you or take you away from main/public discussion.  This allows them to spout ideologies and untruths that they can't be challenged on outside earshot.

[Ma****]

On 2/17/2020 at 10:27 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

I should mention.  Be aware of anyone who tries to isolate you or take you away from main/public discussion.  This allows them to spout ideologies and untruths that they can't be challenged on outside earshot.

Going off of this -- once you are ready, I recommend going out to dungeon spaces or open community events for learning, and eventually for your first scenes. It's much safer for everyone when people with potentially malicious intent can't hide behind closed doors. You'll be able to see the virgin fetish types and chasers.

While you're still learning, gravitate towards group discussions. If you can, see if any potential play partner you're interested in has been "vetted" by the local community. If there's an in-house safe word, all the better, as people will hear you if you need to shout it.

There's a lot of fun to be had on this journey, but your safety always comes first.

[Deleted Member]

Some areas have social groups for female subs. I recommend you get to know other female subs and speak with them about their experiences. If you want a mentor, choose a woman. Do not pick a man or a Dom. 

Come and chat in the lobby. Always lots of subs in there, asking questions and sharing their experiences. You'll get help in spotting any one who is out for one thing...like a virgin fetish or something. 

[Deleted Member]

On 2/20/2020 at 1:17 PM, MsWhiteRose said:

Do not pick a man or a Dom. 

Absolutely shocking comment! 

[Bournemouthmaster2se]

I'm not sure if  I'd recommend a kink scene as your first sexual experience to be honest. Just my opinion though

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Bournemouthmaster2se said:

I'm not sure if  I'd recommend a kink scene as your first sexual experience to be honest. Just my opinion though

Not sure why? Time are gone when the virgin woman wait for the Prince Charming defloring her ! I think what a best way but doing it  that way! Wild and kinky way 😈

of course it’s  a Man Opinion 

[ey****]

On 2/22/2020 at 6:30 PM, FabSeverus said:

Absolutely shocking comment! 

I feel

A mentor ideally should be a peer or someone that isn't a play partner.   Often an "experienced" gentleman will offer to "mentor" a new/young female and it isn't to mentor, it's to groom.

I think there's assorted combinations of what could work and won't work but *ideally* a mentor shouldn't be a play partner.  Because otherwise they're just going to tell you how you play with them is "the way it is" rather than giving outside experience.

[Deleted Member]

I mentored newbies in the past and still now and never played with them. Firstly I don’t do online play not my thing so I don’t have any motivation to play with them. Also it’s about integrity about yourself. It’s part of my mind set, using my status as an experienced Dom to groom would be Wrong and never cross my mind 

But I guess I am an exception 🤷‍♂️🐺

[ey****]

8 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

But I guess I am an exception

Absolutely.  

I wouldn't take it personally.  

[cautiousswitch]

"I'm new to this.  I'm still learning."

If you're not afraid to say that then you should do fine.

That said, the BDSM community is a group of individuals.  Like any group of individuals some are nice, some are jerks.  There will be different responses to your admission. Some virgin fetish chasers and other more genuinely interested in you. 

My experience has been that the "better" people within the BDSM lifestyle prefer that someone admit their inexperience rather than act like they know more than they do.  They will give advice, welcome your questions, and suggest resources.  They will understand if you just want to listen to a conversation instead of actively participate.

There will be other people who look down their noses at you or take it upon themselves to start lecturing you on things you didn't ask them about if you admit to being new.  In the long run they usually wind up being the worst of the group.   Being young you are also likely to attract the attention of someone more predatory - as long as you don't let them isolate you from the crowd you will still have the option of walking away.

Overall you are taking a risk, but in a more open environment you will have the option of walking away, trying again, and eventually finding someone who is willing to be helpful.  As long as it's not a small, insular group you should eventually find people worth talking to.

Two other pieces of advice:

1 - About 6 months ago I watched some YouTube videos by a woman, I believe she called herself Eva Lupine, on munch etiquette.  While rules will vary from place to place, her general guidelines were good and you can use them to set your own standards of when to walk away from someone.

2 - If it is advertised that there will be any professionals at the munch then check out their website(s).  If you are convinced that they know what they are doing (sadly, there are a few people making *** at BDSM who don't know what they are doing) then contact them, let them know that you are new and will be at the munch, and ask if you can talk to them for a few minutes while there.  The answer may be no depending on their schedule, but if they say yes then you will be talking to someone who is used to inviting new people into the lifestyle and has experience talking to people with almost any insecurity you may have.