The Importance of Safety and Authenticity in Online BDSM Dynamics

[Vi****]

One of the biggest challenges in online BDSM spaces is finding partners who are both authentic and trustworthy. Too many people treat these dynamics as just another form of explicit entertainment, with little regard for real trust, structure, or emotional safety.

For submissives, this creates a frustrating experience—many get approached by so-called "Doms" who rush into control without understanding what it means to build a dynamic. If a sub doesn't feel secure, they won’t engage deeply, and the dynamic will fail before it even begins.

Why Safety and Trust Matter

1. Submission Requires Vulnerability

A sub cannot fully submit without feeling safe. If they sense any red flags—like inconsistency, a lack of respect, or pressure—they will (and should) disengage.



2. Authenticity Builds Long-Term Dynamics

A true Dom prioritizes understanding their sub, not just issuing commands. Without real investment, the connection remains shallow and unsustainable.



3. "Doms" Who Rush the Process Create Discomfort

Calling a sub "babygirl" or expecting obedience from the first message is a surefire way to push them away. Respect, patience, and genuine interest are far more effective than assumptions.



4. Many Online Spaces Are Filled with Roleplayers, Not Real Doms

There’s a difference between a Dom and someone who just enjoys controlling others online for fun. A real Dom listens, adapts, and cares about their sub’s experience—not just their own satisfaction.




How to Create a Safe and Trustworthy Dynamic

Take Time to Understand Each Other – Don’t *** a dynamic in the first few conversations. Mutual trust should come before titles or control.

Use Multiple Forms of Communication – Text alone can feel distant. Voice and video (when comfortable) help build real connection.

Be Transparent About Intentions – Are you looking for something casual or long-term? Make it clear to avoid mismatched expectations.

Respect Boundaries, Always – A good Dom never pressures a sub into doing anything they’re not ready for.

Demonstrate Consistency – A Dom who is unreliable or disappears for long periods sends the message that they aren’t serious.


Final Thoughts

BDSM, even online, is about trust first and foremost. Without it, there’s no true submission—only empty roleplay. If more people focused on building real connections instead of instant gratification, the community would be much stronger.

What are your experiences with safety and authenticity in online dynamics?

[Sw****]

People who don't like themselves are the people who lack depth. You have to know yourself, to love yourself in order to build vulnerability within yourself. I believe that ppl struggle with that. They struggle with their own depth & understanding that they fail to give themselves & others opportunities to love or even build community.

So I have a hard time finding ppl who are authentic. Especially when trying to build a relationship. Because how can you build a relationship if you cannot let anyone in?

[Mz****]

It’s truly impressive how you crafted such a brilliant and comprehensive post based on the comments from your last one.

You kindly described their behavior as “role play,” but in my experience, they’re nothing more than mouth-breathing sadists who selfishly exploit others to satisfy their ***istic desires, with no genuine care for subs at all.

I suppose that’s the most frustrating part of this platform.

[Vi****]

1 hour ago, Mzless said:

It’s truly impressive how you crafted such a brilliant and comprehensive post based on the comments from your last one.

You kindly described their behavior as “role play,” but in my experience, they’re nothing more than mouth-breathing sadists who selfishly exploit others to satisfy their ***istic desires, with no genuine care for subs at all.

I suppose that’s the most frustrating part of this platform.

Thank you. If I knew I'd get this level of engagement I would've started writing these based on my experience sooner.

[No****]

Thank you for taking a dive into this on a public forum. We had a good chat about these things on your last post and I appreciate the way this one turned out as a result.
Everything here really encompasses the breakdown of the relationship regardless of how serious or casual it was intended to be.

[Deleted Member]

I agree with this post and the comments so far. So many are fake and you can see it or if you can’t as soon as you start showing vulnerability your ghosted and you feel defeated. You have to have thick skin in the vetting process and you can’t even show your authentic self bc of ***, but the world is the same way.

[Deleted Member]

All i have to say is 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 facts to this!

[He****]

Authenticity has been truly frustrating. In my experience the men that have approached me have often been non-authentic in their character and words. It's been very hard to develop a relationship with any of them because they want to rush into having sex without the thought of even having a relationship at all. Most are after that NSA experience.

[Ki****]

Number 1. I haven’t felt safe in the last 20 years. I’m old and cranky. Kind of set in my ways. Or so I thought. I have been exceptionally fortunate to have met someone here, early on in starting a profile, and they have made me think, re-examine myself, and helped me to understand myself, grow and change in ways I had never even considered possible let alone thought of.

[Vi****]

6 hours ago, Novelnorth86 said:

Thank you for taking a dive into this on a public forum. We had a good chat about these things on your last post and I appreciate the way this one turned out as a result.
Everything here really encompasses the breakdown of the relationship regardless of how serious or casual it was intended to be.

Thank you for your comment. I hope by sharing our experiences it makes the more inexperienced people coming in to avoid making these mistakes and creating a bad environment.
I'm picking up on the issues people are commenting, which I also happened to have, and I'll dive into it from now on.
Since most of my experience is with irl relationships in the past, I've noticed these issues since I started using the app.
Next topic will be something that's more important to me personally, how to make online bdsm relationships work. Since I'm not engaging with irl bdsm relationships since I moved to the middle of nowhere, I'll be sharing some tips I've learned through last year.

[Gr****]

Back when I was bottoming more and attempting submission, a local top and his hench-girl took me to a play party at a local kinky B&B. I was bottoming for a scene that went 0 - 60 pretty quickly. The dungeon was a small basement space, so onlookers were pretty close by. I overheard a couple commenting on the scene:

 

Thing 1: Why does she look so scared?

Thing 2: Because she's not bottoming to him, she's bottoming to herself.

 

I didn't completely understand it at the time, but given how things ended with that top, it was pretty accurate in hindsight. There were ... incidents.

 

A few years back I met a young woman who is looking to bottom and submit, but she promised herself that she'd wait for one year after entering the scene before she so much as played with anyone. I wish I'd been as mature as her when I'd started.

 

I've found that it's worth the research and the wait even now, decades later.

Edited February 7 by Griot

[Po****]

Ms. Heaven... Exactly what you said! And then they got the nerve to get mad when you want something from them😆 some are really the best, but others are truly the pettiest! I may struggle with following guidelines to the tee, but I'm 100% authentic, one of the realest!

[No****]

🙌this place is full of abusive men women should *** instead of a safe place to be sexual

[Ki****]

On behalf of my gender, I apologize profusely to any that have had one of the “Alpha Dom”s jump into their DMs with demands and ultimatums. And I know for a fact, it is every single female presenting submissive person here, and, I am finding out, male submissives as well. I’ve also found the Mods are doing an amazing job of making sure that cretinous behaviours are not tolerated and will be censured.
Posts like this are wonderful for bringing out educated information for those of us that are new to, or have only brushed the surface, of kink related relationships.

[cm****]

I love this!!! I’ve only had a few back and forth conversations with people online and then occasional meet and greet. Consent is the biggest thing! Being a poly family, our boundaries we set and communicating are a huge deal. We tend to look for long term friendships rather than the “instant gratification” because we as a unit decide who is welcome. It’s hard to find people that are authentic in their search with intentions and pleasure. I found a lot of great information in this post and the comments as-well. Thanks for those! Cheers

[An****]

Why are people in the comments assuming this is only men? I’ve yet to meet a dom woman who actually gives a sh*t about anything but themselves. They could care less what you get, as long as they get what they want. And most expect immediate obedience. And yes, these are definitely red flags to run very far from. I’m not saying selfish men don’t exist, just that we shouldn’t ignore the other side of this

[po****]

Sorry to say I'm a baby Dom.I just expect Obedience. I'd make that I have a lot to learn but i'm trying really hard. I understand it's a trust issue between the master and the slave. But finding that fine line for me.Is really hard because i'm fifty four and i've never done this before. That's why i'm glad I'm here on this site to teach me to learn. I'm also about learning about myself.As a dawn and as a person who should be taken care of my slave submissive whatever you want to say.

[Ba****]

16 minutes ago, polson706414 said:

Sorry to say I'm a baby Dom.I just expect Obedience. I'd make that I have a lot to learn but i'm trying really hard. I understand it's a trust issue between the master and the slave. But finding that fine line for me.Is really hard because i'm fifty four and i've never done this before. That's why i'm glad I'm here on this site to teach me to learn. I'm also about learning about myself.As a dawn and as a person who should be taken care of my slave submissive whatever you want to say.

Ok, a submissive and a slave are VERY different things. I’d strongly recommend learning your dominance style and getting some experience under your belt with submissives before even considering entering into an M/s dynamic. As for expecting obedience, I assume you mean once vetting and dynamic negotiations have been completed? Because any dominant who approached me and expected my immediate subservience just because I’m an s and they identify as a D… they will walk away with a whole lot of homework to do.
Submission is earned, not expected. Slavery is so much more intense than submission (which leaves the submissive open to so much as it is). I will happily recommend some educational tools for you if you’d like, books and websites for you to gauge your style and what you really want. There are also a plethora of incredibly useful and insightful YouTube videos for techniques and safety regarding various kink activities

[Ba****]

Friday at 01:37 PM, Antman603 said:

Why are people in the comments assuming this is only men? I’ve yet to meet a dom woman who actually gives a sh*t about anything but themselves. They could care less what you get, as long as they get what they want. And most expect immediate obedience. And yes, these are definitely red flags to run very far from. I’m not saying selfish men don’t exist, just that we shouldn’t ignore the other side of this

There are a lot of narcissists and generally shitty people of both genders who are utilising the current uptrend in bdsm to monetise and find victims. But I can promise you, it is all genders.

[Ch****]

Friday at 05:37 AM, Antman603 said:

Why are people in the comments assuming this is only men? I’ve yet to meet a dom woman who actually gives a sh*t about anything but themselves. They could care less what you get, as long as they get what they want. And most expect immediate obedience. And yes, these are definitely red flags to run very far from. I’m not saying selfish men don’t exist, just that we shouldn’t ignore the other side of this

That is truly awful! I wish that we were all safe to explore our true realities with others exploring theirs, with open honesty and judgement free. Oh to dare to dream!

[Ch****]

10 hours ago, BackRubsNBruises said:

Ok, a submissive and a slave are VERY different things. I’d strongly recommend learning your dominance style and getting some experience under your belt with submissives before even considering entering into an M/s dynamic. As for expecting obedience, I assume you mean once vetting and dynamic negotiations have been completed? Because any dominant who approached me and expected my immediate subservience just because I’m an s and they identify as a D… they will walk away with a whole lot of homework to do.
Submission is earned, not expected. Slavery is so much more intense than submission (which leaves the submissive open to so much as it is). I will happily recommend some educational tools for you if you’d like, books and websites for you to gauge your style and what you really want. There are also a plethora of incredibly useful and insightful YouTube videos for techniques and safety regarding various kink activities

👏👏👏👏👏

[lu****]

Thank you so much for pointing out these issues. As a sub with limited in person options in my area, the online environment feels like a minefield

[Bb****]

This ......... I've stopped talking to couples and subs over lies and them putting my safety at risk

[R3****]

So much this!