kree90 Posted August 10, 2025 No doubt you’ve heard the operating system analogy that attempts to explain neurotypical processing styles vs. neurodivergent processing styles. One is a Mac, one is a Windows. It’s helpful, but not quite right. It insinuates that we all have only one, when the truth is, we all possess both operating styles, one is just more dominant than the other in an individual, and here is where most miscommunication problems between the cognitive styles happen. There are many psychological theories that attempt to explain this in detail, and they all have their weight and interconnectedness. Within the fields of cognitive neuroscience and neurodiversity, they all have a core concept of processing styles; bottom-up and top-down processing. We all use both in different scenarios in our lives. Creating something from scratch takes bottom-up processing, while promoting your creation takes top-down processing. We use both at the same time to process different levels of incoming information, synthesize it with what we currently know, and form a coherent understanding of the world, but the dominant style will depend on our individual neurotype. For most autistic people, and people who experience the world loudly through their senses, their dominant style is bottom-up processing, and for those who are able to take the incoming information and intuitively build a whole narrative around it in seconds, those people have a dominant top-down processing style. We can put cognitive effort into using the non-dominant style when needed, such as moving beyond creating and trying to market it, but our current cognitive load will affect that immensely. Everyone knows what it feels like when you’ve studied too much and your brain feels heavy. That is cognitive overload, and it makes accessing your non-dominant processing style incredibly difficult. When we are stressed or overwhelmed, we will default to our dominant style. For social experiences, the dominant processing style is at the core of miscommunication. Society is widely shaped by NT norms and operates with a mostly invisible rule book for "good" and "bad" communication. This rule book is rarely taught outright, but often rein***d through shame. It’s taught through observational learning, cultural conditioning, and social feedback throughout childhood. It becomes a deeply engrained, and *** set of schemas (beliefs). Most importantly, this often leads to a rejection of any other kind of communication style. This rejection isn't always a conscious choice. I would estimate that most NT people make a conscious effort to understand their autistic friends and their individual neurotypes (what we're like, our needs, our strengths and weaknesses). And yet, after the "novel new person" smell wears off, the resentment begins to ***ly build with every interaction. Your autistic friend doesn't initiate contact almost ever, and logically, you know their communication style is different, but you were taught that good friends reach out and bad friends don't. That’s your specific schema for this scenario. So, you start to dislike your friend, subconsciously building that resentment from this unmet expectation. It’s a valid feeling to have, a valid need to have. You can intuitively reach out to your friends for social maintenance, so why can’t they? You don’t find it difficult at all, and you know it’s expected in a friendship; this knowledge just runs in the background all of the time. That’s top-down processing. You have a whole set schema for how friendship maintenance works, and your autistic friend has violated that schema. Does that make them a bad friend? No. Neurodivergent people often have a different expectation and need for social maintenance. It’s not uncommon for us not to have a strong relationship *** mechanism, meaning that when time passes, we don’t feel any less connected to you. Time only causes distance if we’re upset with you or you’re upset with us (and we are aware of it or think you are). We don’t share the same intuitive, top-down schemas that automatically dictate rules of friendship. The act of initiating contact is a very conscious act and immense effort for us in terms of social maintenance. Our contact is usually triggered by bottom-up data, like sharing a random thought we just had, or about a shared interest we are currently engaged in, or something emotional going on in the moment. We often need an emotionally powerful reason for us to even think to reach out, but this is us trying to authentically connect with you. If your neurodivergent friend does reach out, you may feel it's a one-sided friendship. Often, they come to you with intense emotions or topics. NT social rule is that people are supposed to modulate their emotional expression and intensity--be polite. Be soft. Don't be jarring. It just comes intuitively with that top-down processing. However, seeing your ND friend’s intensity extend outside of passions makes it feel like your friend is a lot to handle. For instance, you logically know autistic people tend to experience more and stronger emotions, and even know that this is their way of connecting, but still find yourself disliking them for the raw emotions they bring. This creates cognitive dissonance--that uncomfortable feeling of internal inconsistency. This is often why resentment builds. To resolve the discomfort, people change their beliefs about their friend. It isn't because they are autistic, it's because they are *choosing* to be a bad friend. Bridging this gap isn't about changing your neurodivergent friend, or even yourself. It's about understanding what personal ingrained belief systems you have that prevent deeper connection, *** biases, and understanding how to use your processing style to adapt to other social styles to help avoid miscommunications and eventual resentment. Top-down processing is fantastic at adapting socially. If you know your neurodivergent friend’s bottom-up processing style includes not being able to reach out a lot, then perhaps you can initiate conversation with them more often, or let your friend blatantly know that you’d appreciate more initiation. This will help them create a schema for what a friendship looks like with you, as this isn’t intuitive with their processing style. This effort on your part is a powerful act of empathy. It can transform what feels like a one-sided friendship into a deep connection, and create a language that you both speak. It’s a language where effort doesn’t need to be symmetrical, and where caring about others doesn’t have to be defined by the old, preexisting social rule book. We can create a space where mutual understanding and acceptance finally start to heal the heartache that resentment has caused in all of us. What else can we do to bridge this gap and create a safe space for everyone?
Fo**** Posted August 11, 2025 As a Neuro-divergent myself, finding lasting relationships is difficult at best... My mind craves details, specifics, I'm highly caring, but emotional connections are difficult if not impossible for me. My mind is a puzzle that even after 44 years I still struggle with assembling it well enough to have a relationship that lasts past a few years.
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