What happened to the good old days?

[Ca****]

I have been in the lifestyle for a couple of decades now. And I can't believe what I am seeing?

What happened to a Dom/Master being trained in respect,safety and aftercare by more experienced members. It seems to me anyone can call themselves a Dom or Master because they like the sound of it.

An old guard doesn't go to a sub and ask if they want to do suck his BWC or BBC. He respectfully court the potential sub. With respect and restraint.

However on the flip side where are all the subs/slave that were trained by experienced members of the lifestyle. I have found that they like the sound of being a sub or slave in reality they don't and should have never tried it.

My questions are

Has technology given permission for anyone to be anything they want?

Should we bring back the training before they are allowed the title?

[Ti****]

...I wonder as well.

Yes, I think it's true that technology did that, but not sure what can be done to fix it.

[la****]

The problem is a lot of people uber now... So key parties don't work

[ch****]

Damn thats much input, I don't understand that 😭

[to****]

I don’t think technology has given people permission to be anything they want. Society has. I can put on a dress right this second, call myself a woman, and stroll right into a women’s restroom. And you’re suggesting we have some kind of officiated dom certification program before people can have the title of dom?

Lots of luck with that.

[Wh****]

I would respectfully disagree.
In my experience there are a lot less folks I have to teach in the fundamentals. Just have to tailor their expectations. Most of the people I interact with have a very good grounding and understanding.
I think the fact tech has made it easier for people to educate themselves. The world isn’t a dirty secret anymore.
That being said I do see a few online that are more tourist but their way to spot and ignore. But overall I think it’s a lot easier for doms and subs to find each other. That’s a good thing

[No****]

There are a lot of so called “submissives” who have absolutely no idea how to approach a Dom/me.
I perhaps see this world slight differently due to being transsexual, however more and more recently a lot of first contact is from
Self proclaimed submissive essentially trying to top from the bottom and with absolutely no respect.

[Sp****]

I think too many people have access to the tools and don't know what they are doing or talking about. I can't tell you how many times I seen DOM on a profile and they have no clue.. They think it means they get to make choices and have all the fun.. They have no idea what that actual role is.. And the amount of misogyny... Guys who think that there are actual people they get to ruff up, thinking that pleases them both.. People should have to take a test or prove they know what the role is before they can post it on their profile..

[le****]

The old scene also had it's drawbacks: *** enabled within closed circles, manipulation enabled by misinformation, power tripping higher-ups, strict hierarchies, boring one-size-fits-all rules and regulations, scene dominated by old people.

I am exaggerating to make the point. Not all communities were like that.

Still, I'd rather have the diverse, open, young, colourful scene of today with its easy access to information and unregulated ways of life.

If that means some people call themselves doms who you consider unworthy of the title - why bother?

[Da****]

I noticed the change when 50 Shades of Gray hit. It glamorized a lifestyle that was not glamorous nor was ment to be glamorous or mainstream. Our life style was kept in the shadows for a reason and now it is a fashion statement. Along with it came the scams, ***, mistrust and ***. That's my rant and I'm sticking to it.

[go****]

I am a slave and I am shocked by the subs today. They like the title but dont understand what true submission is. Its not just a title, it involves years of self reflection, learning to trust the right partner who takes that time. I was lucky to find such an incredible Master, and yes I am trained for him but can easily adapt to another dominant. But then the doms are lacking because they think they can spank you and ch@ke you a bit on the first date and they will get full submission

[Dragonstar35]

Well, I can tell you it gets worse. A lot of these newcomers who called themselves DOMS or masters I have no idea what they’re doing

They read a book and they think they know I actually had someone tell me one time they thought the lifestyle was like the book in the movie Fifty Shades of Grey

[cu****]

This generation! 🤦‍♂️

[Sandholme63]

Well said

[to****]

I agree that 50 shades made all this stupid popular. Without ranting too much, being a sub carries inherent risks. You and your safety are at a disadvantage. Since differentiating between someone who wants to hurt you and someone who doesn’t is nearly impossible, I think women need to be extremely aware of what they’re getting themselves into when they go chasing this sub fantasy. You are putting yourself in danger, no way around it. I think it will be much easier for women to come to their senses than it would be to get a bunch of doms certified by some random person who could be a psycho killer too.

[ma****]

Meeting anyone in person you met online carries inherent risks too.

[to****]

6 hours ago, magnetite83 said:

Meeting anyone in person you met online carries inherent risks too.

I agree, but asking the stranger you are meeting to ch@ke, slap, and tie you up in restraints is a little riskier than meeting someone for coffee.

[sirgunny1019]

This is why people tend to do first meets for play in structured settings with protocols (dungeons) because they are f@rced to behave. If there's anything amiss, then there are dungeon assistants and monitors that will shut sh*t down in an instant. Same for with meeting people at munches and sloshes. They have places to meet others more safely.

The ones that bother me the most are these 20 somethings (usually early to mid 20s) who try to call themselves a Master. Like nah, that's earned, not given. Same with people who just fuck hard calling themselves bulls, there's more to it. Many people aren't willing to put in the time and efforts and hope they get someone newer to it than them so that way they appear to know what they're talking about.

[to****]

I’d be amazed if that kind of meetup happens with any sort of regularity amongst the masses. I’m quite confident it usually is two people essentially sexting then meeting up in a hurry. Can only imagine people requesting to be observed by other people while they play is exceedingly rare. Maybe I’m wrong, but I doubt it. All I can say is be careful, gals. I’m a guy and I wouldn’t dream of letting anyone tie me up no matter how hot she is. Why? Same reason I don’t play Russian roulette. I don’t create opportunities for things to go wrong, and if I did, I sure as sh*t wouldn’t be surprised when things go south.

[Do****]

I truly believe 70% of doms now just like to hit women. The amount of women who tell me they have done this type of thing just to find out it was some a**hole trying to crush her windpipe and smack her is WAY too high. F**king a woman roughly is not domming her and thats what the world seems to think. Also, aftercare now may make someone fall in love because its apparently non existent in my area.

[Ar****]

1 hour ago, EntheogenWarrior said:

I don’t think technology has given people permission to be anything they want. Society has. I can put on a dress right this second, call myself a woman, and stroll right into a women’s restroom. And you’re suggesting we have some kind of officiated dom certification program before people can have the title of dom?

Lots of luck with that.

Actually men have always had the power to walk into a women's restroom if they have unsavoury and ulterior motives. You have never needed to pretend otherwise 🤷🏻‍♀️

[ol****]

(Apologies this is long, but if you take the time, I appreciate it, but here is a brief summary.

Key take away:
1. **Preferences over occupation**
2. **No universal consensus on what is considered a dom or sub, plus no governing body to regulate, or an official kink society**
3. **No legal ramifications for using the title without experience**
4. **Gatekeeping by those with experience, allowing them to decide who and who doesn’t become a sub or dom**
5. **Pandora box with other kinks, like pet play, ***** ******, and others**
6. **Kink will less be about exploring and more about prestige and status
7. Potential for *** **
8. **NO Dom or Sub, have ever or could never be considered official, because no guidelines have been established - no one is a true dom, or true sub**
9. **Stigmatism of caused by the *** of potentially recognised doms of subs **
10. **The death of the core component of kink, exploration, acceptance, and consenting fun.**



*That’s like the chicken and the egg scenario.

Dom just means your dominant, and sub means your submissive, these are broad terms and are not indicative of any specific dynamic.

A person can generally dislike, all the attributes of being submissive, much like a person who is submissive can dislike being dominant.

If you are seeking employment in either role, such as being a sub to a dom, or dom to a sub - that’s a bit different, as one carries a certain financial stance; meaning you need to know they are a professional.


People can say they kind, or dislike being rude - without formal training in each attribute, it’s an observation- however, if you feel your able to teach people kindness, you need the training to understand what this actually means.

Everyone can be kind, do nice things for others, but can they educate others how to be kind? Probably not - because they themselves have not had training in understanding the concept of kindness to be able to influence people.

(“Urrm I just got hella side tracked, and maybe don’t make sense, but we’ll see”)


So there is a big difference between someone say they are a dom, and one saying they are a professional dom - one comes with more experience than the other.

However, the part where the chicken and egg comes from is- where do you begin. You yourself never was a dom to begin with, so did you get formal training on how to be one? Or did you trial and error, until you understand more about if.

Then you have to first say you’re interested in this, because it allows you to test the waters with someone who wishes to be submissive.

There is a big difference between professional and just being a dom, it’s not pedantic, it’s a level of education in the field.

So, people who have had experience can call themselves subs or doms, or even use the title to show a preference- does that mean they will have the same experience as a professional dom, no.

I do agree with one aspect of your statement, that understanding the importance of after care, respect and safety.

What you are also describing is like a form of gatekeeping- only those in the know can be a dom, and only those in the know can be a sub.

Dominate and sub have never been official titles, they are just to indicate a preference- not a level of training, let’s say it goes back to being official, how would you quantify this?

Does how many times you have done a certain dynamic dictate if you can use the tile?

Does the person who taught you determine if you can call yourself a dom?

How about the person who taught them, did they really get training by another person — or did people, decide they have a preference, and explore it inside the realms of a relationship where you both experiment.

If your advocating for official dom and sub training centres, or programmes, fair enough- but if your saying “I’ve been trained, I’ve had experience, only I can call myself a dom” - it’s kind of subjective, because there are no set parameters that dictate this; so it becomes a form of gatekeeping, as people who are experienced get to decide who they train, and who they don’t.

Like, when you study a certain subject, if you do a degree, you get a certification of your education, proving your experience and expertise. But with dom and subs, where is no qualification, there is no formal recognition, there is no government body, no official title…. No stamp of approval.

Kink, and expression of difference types of sexual preferences and well… kinks, has only been allowed to suddenly be de stigmatised, because people are allowed to explore, allowed to self identify to then try it for themselves. To have empathy one must experience, but to start you have to have a middle ground- a point of self identification, to which the desire can be explored.

Let’s say, we bring back what your asking (point there has never been a universal certification or recognition of dom or sub), then those who want to be a dom or a sub, need training.

Great, now you have an influx of people wanting the title of dom, or sub, but who has the right to give the training?

And if they have to receive training, what gives the incentive to these people to train fairly - like they can chose based on a bias, their own preference, or anything in between; there are no rules.

Unlike professions, like being a doctor or scientists, you can easily lie about being a dom - no government will put a stop to this, nor do they want to, because it’s like opening Pandora box.

Will every kink need training- say your into puppy play, do you need to meet a puppy master - do you need to understand dog training to fully fulfill the role?

See if opens up a whole range of activities that will be gated, without the rules and governmental authority to put punishments in place.

The lifestyle of kink is about exploration, but if you start to add rules, things become less about exploration, and more about control

“Only I get to decide the future subs and doms”

Unlike say becoming a doctor, if you present yourself unbecoming of one you can lose your title, face finical backlash, be prosecuted, and be removed due to plagiarism.

So if comes down to whether we want to make kink a lifestyle or a occupation; if you want to make it official title holders only, you have to create a universal controller of the titles, which have some political influence- if this happens, I’m sure many will be too ***ful of exploring, something that defines kink for many years - the *** to not be able to explore, the *** of others not understanding, and the hate that comes with this ignorance.

So, however you want to say or think only “I” have the right to call myself a dom, at the moment these have no real value.

Maybe a education system should be set up, like hobbies or lifestyles - maybe midnight classes on how to be a dom or sub

But, a single universal authority or group will need to be established, which will need to happen, otherwise, physical ***, emotionally, and financial *** can be exploited, without any real consequences; because the individual becoming a dom, or sub, knows it’s the only way to become one.*

[to****]

If you don’t want to risk being arrested for a sex crime, you do in fact need to pretend otherwise. So that you may enjoy full legal protection.

I only brought that up to illustrate the absurdity of not allowing someone to call themselves a dom.

[ma****]

The Internet is a double-edged sword. Yes, it makes it easier to find and integrate into the community, but it also makes it easier for people who really don't understand kink to access information that can be dangerous. Maybe they're well-intentioned and curious, just a little misguided. Maybe they are being nefarious.

I don't like the idea of gatekeeping. The community still has workshops and training available to those who want it, but the problem with being more visible is that it exposes the community to people who want to *** the things that kink holds sacred.

I see it more with younger men who think "dominant"means they just get to en*** manosphere ideas with a heavy hand and they are entitled to have rough sex, but it's also a problem with submissives. I've run into so many people who claim they are submissive when really they are looking to dissociate through sex so they don't have to think and can just be told what to do. Either way, most of these people have never been to a club. 50 Shades certainly didn't help things, but it's so much more than that.

Also, yeah, my guy. Nothing's stopping you from doing that. Society didn't grant you that power, but the fact that that crossed your mind is more an issue with how you view yourself and the disingenuous way that you know men are capable of doing awful things. As a trans woman, I can assure you that no trans woman has ever gone into the ladies room without thinking about all the ways it could go wrong for them or for other people using the restroom. I avoided public restrooms altogether unless I knew it to be a safe establishment or had an AFAB friend go with me. And I didn't just slap on a dress. I went through years of therapy, mind-affecting and body-altering medication, complete social transition, and, in my case, earned a Master's degree in Gender and Sexuality Studies before I ever publicly called myself a woman and walked into a ladies' room. It sounds like your problem isn't with trans women, it's with men. Maybe this was just poor wording, but if you feel that it's so easy, perhaps you should aim to keep men more accountable.

[Sp****]

It's all perverted and twisted, like fighting there are no rules everyone is an individual now and want people to wring them so they can play the bigger victim game. It's downfall and perversion of society.