How to have a constructive “scene setting” conversation

[lo****]

Good morning,
Would like inputs to help develop a better “scene” conversation.
At the moment I’m using a very open funnel “what would you like to do?”
The car ride to mine seems to result in quite a few shy “I’m up to try anything” which just isn’t productive to me.

Looking for help in how to help people that may not know how to communicate effectively yet. Or better ways for people open up without being to leading.

A weigh in from both sides would be great.
Thankyou

[Lo****]

I’m not quite sure if I got you right🤔
Do you ask your sub what he/she/they wants? And you are not satisfied with the answer because it’s not very detailed and you still don’t know what to do?
If that’s the point, I suggest, do what you like and don’t ask, be creative, have fun and don’t overthink- of course consent/boundaries have to be discussed way before!
If that’s not the point, pls clarify your question 😉

[Eu****]

I think, starting from creating a safe space where you remain open and curious about what is being shared rather then asking upfront. Some people open up slower and you have to respect that. Some people repressed that so deep that when presented with a question gives you the opposite effect. They run or they hide even better. You need to be warm, inviting, consistent, curious, respectful while also learning about their preferences. You would be surprised that one day they spent their days fantasize about their deepest desires and they come to you running just to share them. But you do need to earn that, and not just that one time. You have to understand that desire will set you free, but at the cost of who you are right now. And is not only resistance to change, but learning and having enough life experience with the new ways of interaction to become a more integrated person. It doesn't look like at first but the subject of desire is at the core of psychology as a science and it's having ramifications wider and deeper then you might realize.


Hope this finds you well and it gives you some deeper insight ☀️

[ey****]

ok

"What would you like to do?", "I'm up to try anything"

This is going badly already, but like sometimes in the moment a lot of minds go blank. Ideally some of this "what will we do" conversation should have taken place long before the car ride.  But still.

You also must both already surely have an idea what each other is into, else why did you agree to play?

But ok.... for whatever reason this hasn't happened and you're now off to a playdate with no idea what you're going to do.

You could try "OK, so what are your limits?" and if the reply is "none", or "I don't know" stop the car and abandon the play date.     Buuuuuuuut.... feels harsh and even if they come back with a couple of things, these are not exhaustive.

So instead ok... cos even if this conversation is taking place in advance.  Turn it round for clear consent, raise suggestions on what you might want to try.   Assess their responses on how keen they seem by these and if there is something that seems agreeable, check their prior experience on it.

"Can I whip you?", "Yes", "Have you been whipped before?", "No" - ok, drop whipping. Obviously everyone has a first time at some time, but given you don't have that relationship level yet, maybe not.

"OK, flogging", "yes you can, no I've not done it before" - OK, so I'll pick a few and not go too hard and we can get a feel for which ones work for you"

Obviously these are just examples, but you must also have some form of idea of what you would like to do and where your interests and experience is?!

[Eu****]

17 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

ok

"What would you like to do?", "I'm up to try anything"

This is going badly already, but like sometimes in the moment a lot of minds go blank. Ideally some of this "what will we do" conversation should have taken place long before the car ride.  But still.

You also must both already surely have an idea what each other is into, else why did you agree to play?

But ok.... for whatever reason this hasn't happened and you're now off to a playdate with no idea what you're going to do.

You could try "OK, so what are your limits?" and if the reply is "none", or "I don't know" stop the car and abandon the play date.     Buuuuuuuut.... feels harsh and even if they come back with a couple of things, these are not exhaustive.

So instead ok... cos even if this conversation is taking place in advance.  Turn it round for clear consent, raise suggestions on what you might want to try.   Assess their responses on how keen they seem by these and if there is something that seems agreeable, check their prior experience on it.

"Can I whip you?", "Yes", "Have you been whipped before?", "No" - ok, drop whipping. Obviously everyone has a first time at some time, but given you don't have that relationship level yet, maybe not.

"OK, flogging", "yes you can, no I've not done it before" - OK, so I'll pick a few and not go too hard and we can get a feel for which ones work for you"

Obviously these are just examples, but you must also have some form of idea of what you would like to do and where your interests and experience is?!

Even that have a couple of potential blind spots. The fact that you don't really know the other person yet, consent can be something they give automatically in charged situations. I don't think a person that is not opening up themselves without being pushed from behind is feeling safe yet. Yes you might get consent to spank, but unless you see the spark in the eyes, is not real consent.

[ey****]

2 minutes ago, EugenIsThriving said:

 

Even that have a couple of potential blind spots. The fact that you don't really know the other person yet, consent can be something they give automatically in charged situations. I don't think a person that is not opening up themselves without being pushed from behind is feeling safe yet. Yes you might get consent to spank, but unless you see the spark in the eyes, is not real consent.

I'd say yes

But a lot does come to a little context - tbh, I am gobsmacked someone would be picking someone up on the way to a play date without having any idea about what they want to do or what the other person wants to do

This is why a little bit that when someone says yes who is previously unsure a suggestion to check their experience and understanding of it.  I guess I also wouldn't stop at just one "agreeable yes" and keep with different ideas of "things we could do" and see which ones generate the more positive responses

But like, yeah - even something I ended up throwing together at short notice the other week we both turned up with an idea of "what we will/won't do" by comparing profiles and discussing

[Eu****]

I feel the responsibility lies in the hands of the OP, but he himself doesn't have the maturity yet to provide a such space. I would suggest finding a experienced and mature Dominant first to learn how safety really feels like before you try to repeat this experience. You should feel so grounded that even asking what you desire or want should not even exist in your vocabulary. Until you learn to enjoy the unfolding that's your limit, not their 😉

[Eu****]

35 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I'd say yes

But a lot does come to a little context - tbh, I am gobsmacked someone would be picking someone up on the way to a play date without having any idea about what they want to do or what the other person wants to do

This is why a little bit that when someone says yes who is previously unsure a suggestion to check their experience and understanding of it.  I guess I also wouldn't stop at just one "agreeable yes" and keep with different ideas of "things we could do" and see which ones generate the more positive responses

But like, yeah - even something I ended up throwing together at short notice the other week we both turned up with an idea of "what we will/won't do" by comparing profiles and discussing

but you see, let's just pretend I'm your playdate. If you suggest to me to make a list i would lose interest in that second. After work, and making shopping lists for the whole week, spending my time thinking about your list takes me away from the life actually happening around me. Not to say i would find it predictable and boring attempt to keep a connection alive until we would see each other.

Give me something to feel about you, not think about about you. Show me something real, not talk about the image you want to present. You want better dating experience, work with your own emotional availability and see the changes.

[Pe****]

Subby here 🥰 I hate open ended questions like that. I want to here things like “ I have a list of things I want to do to & show you. What’s baby’s safe word?” Tell me in detail how you plan to earn my trust. Tell me you’re going to show me new things while taking it slowly. Also like someone else mentioned, take initiative & just do the thing. I’ll let you know if I don’t like it or can’t handle it.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, EugenIsThriving said:

 

but you see, let's just pretend I'm your playdate. If you suggest to me to make a list i would lose interest in that second. After work, and making shopping lists for the whole week, spending my time thinking about your list takes me away from the life actually happening around me. Not to say i would find it predictable and boring attempt to keep a connection alive until we would see each other.

Give me something to feel about you, not think about about you. Show me something real, not talk about the image you want to present. You want better dating experience, work with your own emotional availability and see the changes.

where did I say anything about making lists?

Like in this hypothetical scenario it's how things could play out in a car journey with someone who has somehow agreed with meet when neither person has the first fucking clue what they even want to do.

I don't need to pretend you're my playdate, I have plenty. There is no shortage of playdates, but typically we do have an idea of what each of us are into (regardless of what we do/don't do) a little sooner than 10 minutes before start time. 

[Eu****]

7 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

where did I say anything about making lists?

Like in this hypothetical scenario it's how things could play out in a car journey with someone who has somehow agreed with meet when neither person has the first fucking clue what they even want to do.

I don't need to pretend you're my playdate, I have plenty. There is no shortage of playdates, but typically we do have an idea of what each of us are into (regardless of what we do/don't do) a little sooner than 10 minutes before start time. 

haha, and now you are angry 😘

[ey****]

6 minutes ago, EugenIsThriving said:

 

haha, and now you are angry 😘

no I'm not. 

[Eu****]

you wanted feedback. I gave you mine, from the perspective i saw fitted. Cause one thing is clear, you might have partners but your relationships doesn't feel fulfilling. Cause otherwise you wouldn't write here. You want to change that start with yourself and stop being so dismissive. Otherwise carry on, do the same thing and expect different. And that's all.

[ey****]

1 minute ago, EugenIsThriving said:

you wanted feedback

no I didn't.  You're mistaking me for the OP

2 minutes ago, EugenIsThriving said:

you might have partners but your relationships doesn't feel fulfilling

Happily married for a decade - and no shortage of kink relationships ranging from casual play to long term.  Happily fulfilled.

[Eu****]

ah shot. now it makes sense, i lost the track of OP name. I hate when that happens. Sorry once again, i just saw you got involved with that passion, never crossed my mind it wasn't the OP.

[Eu****]

So the OP just left the building before us? 😁

[ey****]

1 minute ago, EugenIsThriving said:

So the OP just left the building before us? 😁

I think so. He'll come back to the confusion

[Ne****]

I'm going to go with the assumption that you're in an established relationship and already know each other's likes, dislikes, and limits.

I'd probably have that conversation somewhere you can actually see each other's reactions. Reading someone's face and body language can be a big part of figuring out how they're feeling, and that's a bit difficult to do in a car. So, if you're going to have the conversation, being stopped might be a better option.

With such a vague question and an equally vague answer—although "up for anything" might be a hint—you could ask if there are any particular limits they're interested in pushing a little, or anything they've been curious about trying. That gives them an opening to be more specific without putting words in their mouth or assuming what "up for anything" actually means.

Or you could make it easier for them by putting a few ideas on the table yourself: "I'm in the mood for A, B, and C. How does that sound to you?" That gives them something concrete to respond to, and you can gauge their reaction—not just from what they say, but from their face and body language as well. If they seem hesitant or uncomfortable with one of the ideas, that's useful information too, and you can adjust from there rather than having to guess what they meant by such a vague answer.

[lo****]

4 hours ago, EugenIsThriving said:

I think, starting from creating a safe space where you remain open and curious about what is being shared rather then asking upfront. Some people open up slower and you have to respect that. Some people repressed that so deep that when presented with a question gives you the opposite effect. They run or they hide even better. You need to be warm, inviting, consistent, curious, respectful while also learning about their preferences. You would be surprised that one day they spent their days fantasize about their deepest desires and they come to you running just to share them. But you do need to earn that, and not just that one time. You have to understand that desire will set you free, but at the cost of who you are right now. And is not only resistance to change, but learning and having enough life experience with the new ways of interaction to become a more integrated person. It doesn't look like at first but the subject of desire is at the core of psychology as a science and it's having ramifications wider and deeper then you might realize.


Hope this finds you well and it gives you some deeper insight ☀️

Yes this was very helpful. 🤌 Genuinely

[Ba****]

So do you want an assurance or what?😅 there’s no point of talking too much as being said. Just do it.
And everyone in this discussion seemed to forgot the fantasy trope. You can read something together. Search the telegram channel and share. Pics or books on your kink if you are lucky to have them
You own photos from previous interactions
There’s so many ways if you’re interested in this partner. But barring in mind his silence - he’s not a time worthy partner whatsoever. That’s my experience. If I can’t talk with him easily- there’s nothing delicious awaiting me on session