Sensitive subject? Arguments and trust

[Gingerluv]

So we had a massive argument. (Short backstory weve been together and live together for 15 years)

Everything was going really well. Everything was just bliss really. We were so happy and content. But the last few weeks he has been getting shirt tempered and today he totally blew up. He was literally foaming at the mouth spitting while shouting. Its been a long time since he has lost his cool like that but he came out with the usual bull of "oh ive had enough I'm leaving" in a nutshell. 

 

In a few days he will apologise but intil then all our lives are hell. Its predictable. 

 

Except the pure what seemed like hatred spitting from his mouth today was terrifying. Not because he would hurt me physically. But emotiinally im quite shaken. 

 

I feel like i csnt trust him now... yes its still raw. But i cant help but feel like it will take a long time to trust him again. Because he looked deranged. 

 

Just to add: he has a chronic painful health condition from which he rarely gets relief. Not that its an excuse. Just explauns his short temper. 

I cant really write about this anywhere else. Not really sure what im asking either. Just feeling vulnerable and needed to share I guess.  Thanks 

[Deleted Member]

Mental abuse is really bad and nobody should put up with it. My thoughts are with you

[DaddyJAY815]

In relationships we tend to not communicate well. Development of solid communication even in a Dom/Sub dynamic is key for a satisfying ltr. Passive aggressive or Disrespectful behaviors lead to resentment and chaos. A sub isnt doormat. If you are not able to talk about your needs/wants then you might find another that will take interest.

[Deleted Member]

My master blew up this morning so I know where your coming from, it's horrible because you don't know what to say or if you say anything how they'll react to it

[Deleted Member]

Hi. Not sure whether I should comment. However, If I am understanding you, this is less "fetish" related and more of a relationship crisis. I am not proud to say that I have been described similarly in the past... I have since been diagnosed with EUPD. If this is a recurring issue, it could be related to your partner not wishing to be seen as weak, so he lashes out. Just a thought. Please feel free to message, if you would like to know more. Peace & love ,

[Fetish4thonng]

Bernisa👊👊👊 big props for a point well made, and candid, genuine advice offered👏

[Fetish4thonng]

I also realise you were not seeking justification/recognition

[Gingerluv]

2 hours ago, Bernisa said:

Hi. Not sure whether I should comment. However, If I am understanding you, this is less "fetish" related and more of a relationship crisis. I am not proud to say that I have been described similarly in the past... I have since been diagnosed with EUPD. If this is a recurring issue, it could be related to your partner not wishing to be seen as weak, so he lashes out. Just a thought. Please feel free to message, if you would like to know more. Peace & love ,

Thank you. Ive never heard of thst before. Will look it up. 

[Gingerluv]

3 hours ago, Bobbyb1973 said:

Mental abuse is really bad and nobody should put up with it. My thoughts are with you

Thank you. I dont think its abuse, although it feels like it at the time. Ive known him a long time and i know there is a LOT of baggage he hasnt been able to deal with from when he was a very young lad. Way more than i could hope to help him with

[Gingerluv]

So unsurprisingly he is acting "normal" this morning... 

He he left for work earlier this afternoon and although he knows i am hurt (i cant quite bring myself to chat and look at him) he is trying to act as if nothing happened. But i can tell its on his mind. Hes careful with his words. Thanking me for stuff he usually wouldn't, like his lunch (we all ate together) 

He kissed me on the head before leaving and hugged and kissed the kids. I know he needs a few days to apologise and it always leads to talking and crying. Ive suggested anger management before. 

 

He used to be a heavy drinker but hasnt touched a drop in over 7 years. 

 

I just cant get that image of him shouting out my head. We were both shouting at first but when he got really loud it was so strange i just felt so sad but calm on the outside. So i just stsrted talking which made him more firious or so it seemed.  Took the kids upstairs who were both crying. 

 

He has cluster headaches also known as suicide headaches. Theres not much thst takes away the pain... least not anything he has tried that is legal in the uk 🙄 in holland however.... 

Part of my submission to him has always been to keep him as comfortable as i can. And i know weve both been slipping out of our d/s roles a little. 

 

Maybe that contributed. 

 

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

Always difficult to comment on someone’s relationship, but if I may say it’s always a good idea to look for the cause not the result, this could be anything at all it doesn’t need to be a big thing, it could be just something that he’s sensitive about, or something he’s feeling guilty about 

[VictoriaBlisse]

Reaching out is a good thing. It's understandable that you feel shaken.  I think communication is always the key. When you do get to talk to him about this, let him know how scared you were and see if you can prevent that from happening in future.  It sounds like your relationship is pretty solid, so I'm sure he'll be mortified to think he scared you so much. Hopefully you can work forward together so that it won't happen again. 

[Gingerluv]

2 hours ago, OldDaddy54 said:

Always difficult to comment on someone’s relationship, but if I may say it’s always a good idea to look for the cause not the result, this could be anything at all it doesn’t need to be a big thing, it could be just something that he’s sensitive about, or something he’s feeling guilty about 

 

Thanks, youre right of course, weve been tigether 15 years and lots has happened! I dont think even i can comment 😬

I think theres several things that led up to it. Pain being a big one, lack of money and the accompanying stress and also the fact ive been less attentive towards him as my Sir (just so damn tired all the time!) 

We will talk but i have to wait for him to be ready. I hate these days following an argument :(

 

 

[Gingerluv]

1 hour ago, VictoriaBlisse said:

Reaching out is a good thing. It's understandable that you feel shaken.  I think communication is always the key. When you do get to talk to him about this, let him know how scared you were and see if you can prevent that from happening in future.  It sounds like your relationship is pretty solid, so I'm sure he'll be mortified to think he scared you so much. Hopefully you can work forward together so that it won't happen again. 

Thanks. And i really do appreciate the replies! 

Its so frustrating because anger management classes have a massive waiting list on the nhs and we cant afford to pay for them.... hes also not really keen on reading books like that unless it comes from him. 

I think he knows he scared me... well, i would think so because how could he not? But i will tell him when i can. 

[GoddessGarnet]

It sounds like given his chronic pain induced temper issues, he may benefit from some counseling and anger management techniques. Blowups like this, are usually a sign of something boiling over deep in their head first, then spilling out of their mouth. He needs to talk to a pro and work himself out.

[Deleted Member]

Sounds a lot like BPD, NARCISM, w bipolar mood swings.  Not okay.   Run.  Seriously.  Dont look back.  You seen the best n worst.  Its time to get a normy.  Someone your not making excuses for or apologizing for shit you have no reason to....its not your fault.  You cant fix this kind of broken, its not youe relationship failing any more, hon now its your very essense.  Never let anyone put your fire out.  Its okay to know you tried and' didnt work out, doesnt define you.  His anger will lessen.  Be with friends.  Female.  They will help you find the strength.  Hope this helped, i know your inner turmoil.

Stomphats.    That will make you feel better.

Cheers.

[Deleted Member]

May i say, your moral courage and understated grace is amazing to me, calmness is frozen by fear, no fight no flight, you handled it well from a perspective of sharing with 3rd party.  Go online and look up the BPD questionaire quiz.  It might surprise.  Years of self medication often lead some to cross addiction with dual diagnosis.  They are not alone.  Neither are you.  Stay strong.  Good Luck.  

[Gingerluv]

On 10/20/2018 at 10:21 PM, GoddessGarnet said:

It sounds like given his chronic pain induced temper issues, he may benefit from some counseling and anger management techniques. Blowups like this, are usually a sign of something boiling over deep in their head first, then spilling out of their mouth. He needs to talk to a pro and work himself out.

Yes i agree. Im not sure he does though. 

[Ba****]

I understand where your coming from. I had a partner with a life long chronic pain condition and once and a while situations like you have described would happen sometimes for absolutely no reason at all. Hopefully with some help he can overcome it but you also need be careful you don't end up in a vicious circle of forgive and forget. I hope you manage to find a way through it and a solution.

[Deleted Member]

maybe worth trying cbd oil for headache in the meantime, but with children around it needs a professional asap....

[Gingerluv]

48 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

maybe worth trying cbd oil for headache in the meantime, but with children around it needs a professional asap....

Tried cbd but didnt really do much except cost a lot of money :/ 

It helped to an extent but not worth paying so much for the little effevt it gave  

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, Gingerluv said:

Tried cbd but didnt really do much except cost a lot of money :/ 

It helped to an extent but not worth paying so much for the little effevt it gave  

ok, didnt know so you see how difficult it is to get some answer here. We dont know all the details but by what you said hes not fit to be your Sir and be in a family home. Maybe you could ask a friend having the children for one day and ask a good friend around and have a good conversation with your bf. Going real deep on whats going on.

[Gingerluv]

A little more backstory: 

 

We met 15 years ago, very vanilla I might add. 

He fell in love immediately but i took a while longer. Lots and lots happened but in a nutshell he had to move out of where he was due to a vicious ex so he moved in with me as she didnt know where i lived. 

He was an alcoholic and in deep depression, even tried committing suicide quite a few yeats before he knew me. He came out of his depression slowly as he found he could trust me. His mum said to me "thank you for saving him" ...

He continued to drink though until about 9 years ago when he stopped cold turkey and he hasnt had a drop since. He did that becsuse he knew it was a choice between his family or the bottle. 

He is obsessed with me, but *not* to a point where he wont let me out of his sight (i regularly holiday without him, go to the cinema and other things!) He just loves me dearly. 

 

A year ago we suspected fibrimyalgia. And for about 3 years he has been having cluster headaches. The constant pain is depressing too, obviously. They call them suicide headaches. 

 

He changed his job too, previously he laboured hard but never seemed to see the benefits of it. He has been working part time for a year now doing a much easier job, although as time has gone by he has of course noticed flaws in this one as well. Its a regular source of income which we thought would be much better but we still need to count our pennies. I dont mind so much but he does. Years ago he lost out on a large amount of compensation and was ripped of several times by customers who didnt pay. So he is still bitter about money. I try to tell him how lucky we still are. 

In addition our youngest has had a difficult start to life. We nearly lost him and he is now showing signs of autism and other developmental delays. 

I have suggested a gratitude journal. He believes strongly in the power of the mind and how the body can heal itself too. But he lacks motivation i guess. 

He has apologised.