FRIES - My Thoughts on Consent

[4R****]

Consent: permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.
 
Consent occurs when one person voluntarily agrees to the proposal or desires of another. It's a term of common speech, with specific definitions as used in such fields as the law, medicine, research, and sexual relationships. Within the BDSM world, Consent is Key. Whatever it is that you want to do, whether it be an aspect of play, to physically touch a person or thing belonging to someone else, and in some cases to continue to speak to an individual, you need consent beforehand. How do you know if you have consent? Let’s look at three common examples taken from Wikipedia:
 
'Informed Consent' is where the individual has a clear appreciation and understanding of the facts, implications, and future consequences of an action. And then they agree to it. To me this is a bit of a no-brainer - why would anyone agree to do something if they don't understand what they are agreeing to?
 
'Implied Consent' is inferred from a person's actions and the facts and circumstances of a particular situation (or in some cases, by a person's silence or inaction). Some examples include unambiguously soliciting or initiating sexual activity or the implied consent to physical contact by participants. Perhaps someone being playful with someone in order to illicit a reaction.
 
'Expressed Consent' is one that is clearly and unmistakably stated, rather than implied. It may be given in writing, by speech (orally), or non-verbally, e.g. by a clear gesture such as a nod although I'd be cautious here because that gesture might not mean what you think it means. Non-written express consent not evidenced by witnesses, or an audio or video recording may be disputed if a party denies that it was given. So, my suggestion is that you don't take any chances.
 
I like to use the acronym F.R.I.E.S. when gaining consent. This originates from an organisation called 'Planned Parenthood' and is rapidly becoming a popular way to ensure that you really are gaining consent.
 

• Freely given. Doing something with someone is a decision that should be made without pressure, force, manipulation, or while drunk or high.
• Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they want to do, at any time. Even if you’ve done it before or are in the middle of doing it. That’s what Safe Words are for.
• Informed. Be open and honest about what you intend to do and the possible consequences.
• Enthusiastic.  If someone isn’t excited, or really into it, that’s not consent.
• Specific. Saying yes to one thing doesn’t mean they’ve said yes to anything else.

 
 
Everyone has the right to say No and should learn to do so. Some people believe that not giving consent is the same as saying no, but this is not quite true. Many people will tolerate inappropriate behaviour simply because they don’t want to cause a fuss or appear rude. But they are left feeling uncomfortable because of the actions of another individual and this is not OK. When you give consent you are agreeing to something, but ‘not’ giving consent is not the same as objecting to something, and this is an incredibly important distinction. If someone does (or goes to do) something you don’t want to happen, speak up and make it known to that person that you want them to stop.
 
Some people think that consent isn't a big issue - until it is! They go along, getting away with doing stuff that isn't ok but because nobody complains they take it as implied consent. But at some point, consent will be an issue, and at that point it will be too late. People make poor decisions or play when drunk or on drugs. People even do things that they though were a good idea at the time and then regret them later.
 
You know that feeling when you see a shiny new toy and simply must have it, you buy it and when you get it home you realise it isn’t really what you wanted, or you couldn’t really afford it. You regret your purchase, even feel guilty about it. This is called 'buyer's remorse'. You might try to take it back and get a refund or hide it away, so nobody knows you've got it, or worse, lie about where it came from.
 
BDSM is exciting and it's easy to get caught up in the moment. You get wrapped up in the fantasy of it all and perhaps you engage in something that you weren’t ready for or agree to something you didn’t really understand. Perhaps a scene or experience was not as you expected it to be. Suddenly you find yourself in a situation you don't like, didn't want or you ended up doing something that you completely regret afterwards, and you panic. The difference is, you can’t take it back to the shop, there are no refunds, you can’t undo what’s done, you can't rub out bruises or disguise the welts across your ass from the cane you were hit with. And you certainly can’t magically erase any injuries you've sustained, whether they be physical or mental ones. Buyer’s remorse is all too common within the BDSM world and the ramifications of getting it wrong can be life changing, for you, for the other person, and even for the community!
 
Now nobody can withdraw consent after the fact (although some have tried). But if you don't have consent in the first place, and I mean proper emphatic and informed consent, in writing or at least in front of witnesses and something like the above happens, well consent has just become a big issue, and without any proof, it just got serious!
 
So please don't become a statistic. Learn what consent is about and start really asking yourself if you have the person’s consent to do whatever it is you want to do. It’s not just the Dominant side of the slash that can over-step, submissives can just as easily cross the line and then try to pass it off as being playful. Something I’ve witnessed quite often is someone acting in a way to illicit a reaction from another person. Then when the second person reacts, the first yells “I do not consent to this”. All eyes fall on the second person, they are publicly humiliated by the actions of the first person. But the first person didn’t have their consent for any of that interaction and it was in fact THEY that breached consent in the first place and then played victim. This kind of behaviour must stop as it blurs lines and causes confusion. 

So in summary - In my opinion, if it's not FRIES then it's not consent - that way there is no confusion.

[Mr****]

Saving

[QXX666]

RACK and SSC cover it all tbh! The PRICK came up and now we have FRIES to confused more the newbies! What’s next?? Sound like the government health and safety brigade…
Oh why you give me ketchup with my fries I gave consent for mayonnaise…

[Deleted Member]

How can I save this on the app? Thank you for this!

[Mo****]

God. To much bs to even read. Consent... "Are you okay with this?" "Yes". End of story.

[4R****]

15 minutes ago, MoonDom said:

God. To much bs to even read. Consent... "Are you okay with this?" "Yes". End of story.

It'd be lovely if life were that simple wouldn't it - maybe do some research on the psychology of buyer's remorse. That's when you're accused of a consent violation and your "yes" gets turned into "He coerced me", "I felt like I had no choice", "he broke a limit", or "he made me".

But as you said, it's "too much for you to read" - so go take risks and I truly hope you don't find out the hard way. 

Edited December 11, 2022 by 4RCH

[di****]

Only b*tches n sissies ask for consent

[Mo****]

I dgaf about buyers remorse, keep your waffle, my life is simple. Never had issues. You overcomplicate things for yourselves. All the best with all of that

[Deleted Member]

18 minutes ago, dirtywhiteboy420 said:

Only b*tches n sissies ask for consent

I will tell you one thing, you could easily trigger someone if you don't get consent. I k ow from experience

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, MoonDom said:

God. To much bs to even read. Consent... "Are you okay with this?" "Yes". End of story.

Read it, it will enlighten you more to this world. The person that has wrote has saved my ass more times than he knows

[CopperKnob]

3 hours ago, QXX666 said:

RACK and SSC cover it all tbh! The PRICK came up and now we have FRIES to confused more the newbies! What’s next?? Sound like the government health and safety brigade…
Oh why you give me ketchup with my fries I gave consent for mayonnaise…

RACK, SCC and PRICK cover a lot more than just consent.
FRIES is consent specific.
The cup of tea analogy is also consent specific
Etc etc
Quite frankly, I don't care how how many examples of what informed consent means there are. The more the better. Everyone has different learning styles and everyone gains understanding in different ways.

[CopperKnob]

It's amazing to me that in two forum threads in 48hrs how many individuals have been so keen to express how little regard they have to the idea of consent.
Keep going guys, such comments stay on your profiles for everyone to see as a clear warning to all not to go near you with a barge pole. I'll expect another influx of posts whinging that "no one here's real", "everyone here's fake", "everyone here's rude for not replying to my message" blah blah blah in the next few weeks when you'll be looking to blame others for your own "bad luck" rather than take accountability for your own actions

[Li****]

2 hours ago, dirtywhiteboy420 said:

Only b*tches n sissies ask for consent

Asking for consent should be of upmost importance to anyone. BDSM can also be a massive safe haven for people who have had trauma and/or mental health issues.

[Li****]

As you can see, many people have taken issue to the 2 comments on the thread I am commenting to. It is very much abuse in many ways (physically, sexually, emotionally, position of power, position of trust, misusing a Kink dynamic) not gaining consent prior to touching in any way, listening to triggers or limits. Nowhere did I mention people don't have responsibility of learning themselves, their limits, their mental triggers and what their diagnosis affects. Everyone has the responsibility to learn themselves before any kink, nevermind BDSM. I know what both sets of fries and FRIES are.....but thanks for that..There is only a small amount of users that aren't in complete agreement with the OP which initiated everyone responding (myself included)

[ey****]

Outside of a framework of trust and implied consent, pre-arranged CNC, etc. etc. etc. the only people who don't establish grounds of consent are sex offenders.  So sometimes the trash makes themselves known

[QXX666]

If a Dom/me don’t discuss consent prior to any play or sessions just run away.
But I think FRIES is more a guideline for bdsm events or poly-relationship where parties haven’t discussed in details before engaging into play. Maybe it’s just me but when I talked with a potential submissive, everything is on the table for discussion, so they will be no confusion during sessions. Hard limits will be known, soft limits too . if I have the thought of sharing her it will be discussed and the limits also included. But I have been in the scene for long time and also most of the time I had CnC dynamics so I am experienced in that field.
We can have as many consent policies outhere but there will be still men like the 2 who made bad taste comments on here hanging around in the community. And also women so desperate to live their fantasy that the first “Dom” who talk the talk get her into a vulnerable situation. Once damages done they wont report it or take it as a bad experience….

[se****]

4 hours ago, QXX666 said:

If a Dom/me don’t discuss consent prior to any play or sessions just run away.
But I think FRIES is more a guideline for bdsm events or poly-relationship where parties haven’t discussed in details before engaging into play. Maybe it’s just me but when I talked with a potential submissive, everything is on the table for discussion, so they will be no confusion during sessions. Hard limits will be known, soft limits too . if I have the thought of sharing her it will be discussed and the limits also included. But I have been in the scene for long time and also most of the time I had CnC dynamics so I am experienced in that field.
We can have as many consent policies outhere but there will be still men like the 2 who made bad taste comments on here hanging around in the community. And also women so desperate to live their fantasy that the first “Dom” who talk the talk get her into a vulnerable situation. Once damages done they wont report it or take it as a bad experience….

I think it's about listening as well. Also, what you speak, I may hear differently. Learned this from a book about listening.

[4R****]

4 hours ago, QXX666 said:

If a Dom/me don’t discuss consent prior to any play or sessions just run away.
But I think FRIES is more a guideline for bdsm events or poly-relationship where parties haven’t discussed in details before engaging into play. Maybe it’s just me but when I talked with a potential submissive, everything is on the table for discussion, so they will be no confusion during sessions. Hard limits will be known, soft limits too . if I have the thought of sharing her it will be discussed and the limits also included. But I have been in the scene for long time and also most of the time I had CnC dynamics so I am experienced in that field.
We can have as many consent policies outhere but there will be still men like the 2 who made bad taste comments on here hanging around in the community. And also women so desperate to live their fantasy that the first “Dom” who talk the talk get her into a vulnerable situation. Once damages done they wont report it or take it as a bad experience….

FRIES is a guideline for obtaining consent in any situation.

The concept originates from an organisation called "PlannedParentHood" and you can find it using any good search engine. It was developed for explaining what consent means in relation to people being coerced into sexual acts and it's written more for young people.

It still works with the wider audience and having been made aware of so many situations of consent violations both inside and out of the community it's clear that people still don't 'get it'. (It's also worryingly clear from some of the comments on this thread). 

I too have been around a long time and so, just like you, obtaining consent is second nature to me. But it isn't clear to everyone and that is the purpose of my writing this post.