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Posted
7 hours ago, MinnesotaMinx said:
I’m honestly concerned about this whole scenario. What exactly do you mean that she has agreed to allow you to go as far as you want. Does that mean she has no limits? What does “going far” mean to you and does she fully understand that? If she uses a safeword, will you respect it?
The fact that you said she is not fond of the way you like to engage in bdsm but has agreed to go ahead, makes this scenario feel coerced and that is also very concerning to me. I hope I’m misunderstanding the situation.

Aftercare is something you should be discussing with her. Subs need different things to feel cared for after a scene. Some people need food, some need snuggles, some want to be bathed. You should of course be prepared to take care of any physical needs including any injuries you might cause during the scene. You also need to know what her emotional triggers are and how to care for her emotionally.

Yes you are misunderstanding it but I’m done explaining to people who don’t seem to get it.

Posted
7 hours ago, VampTravis said:
I think instead of being merciless like you said maybe talk about her needs as well. Obviously she wants to do this for you, which is something not every vanilla woman would do. Perhaps a Daddy or caregiver role would fit in. You can still be dominant without being ruthless. I *** for her tbh. Because it seems you have no idea what you are doing.

As far as afterwards…again. You need to talk to her about HER needs and what she will require. A dynamic of any sort is nothing without CONSTANT communication and understanding. Especially from the dominant. If these things are not resolved or figured out before the session I would highly suggest you spend time diving deep into those. Because your physical aftercare might not be enough for her emotional damage. Which is something you highly need to consider.

Why do you think I have no idea what I’m doing when I said we’ve done this before? That doesn’t really follow does it? Honestly this is just reminding me of a typical Internet forum where you ask a question to gain more knowledge and then everyone trolls you for not being as good as them and acts like you don’t know anything.

Posted
6 hours ago, thegentlemandom said:
This sounds very much like you have no idea what you are doing, do not understand how consent operates and are a danger to your partner and all women. For her sake, I hope this is just another fantasy post by someone with no intention or means of carrying it out. What you are describing is ***; not bdsm.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. That’s really all I can reply because you have offered nothing here but ramblings and assumptions.

Posted
5 hours ago, MasterDarcy1979 said:

Same.

I'd even go as far as to break up with her. If either of then are clearly not getting what they want it's clear that it's a ticking time-bomb.

Plus, sounds like the poor woman might suffer from PTSD if this carries on.

I guess you knew everything when you started right?

Posted
OP - can I ask what your own personal definition of “merciless” is please ?

And also, do you have an agreed safeword in place - that you will respect, regardless of your own feelings, desires and needs in the heat of the moment ?

BDSM practices should never be entirely without limits - for reasons of safety (both yours and your partners.

Serious *** - or death can - and does occur if one takes things too far in the heat of the moment… and I would hate for your well endowed cell mate to be “merciless’ with you for 25 years to life following your conviction - if your partner decides that you have gone too far, or God forbid, the worst happens.

BDSM is about having control - over yourself, as well as others.

Remember this please.
Posted
It’s funny because every article talks about the emotional toll of a bdsm session but none of your answers acknowledge that. You have all made the leap that I am an ***r because I haven’t given you every possible detail about this. I will most likely never ask a question here again because most of you are not really into helping whatsoever. I think you need to go keep working on your fiction novels because that is where most of your heads are. Thank you to the few of you who offered the advice I was looking for to help me and gave me some things to consider. If I knew nothing, I wouldn’t even be here asking this question but I am trying to make it better for her during and after.
Posted

you do seem to have jumped overly at the defensive when folk were displaying valid concern

I feel things like

"she is not fond of the way I ultimately do it" was something which had people a little anxious
especially coupled with "she has agreed to let me go as far as I want. Even though I want to be a strict and merciless Dom"

that it doesn't sound very agreeable and sounds like you want to push things she's really not into.

that folk are concerned is somewhat of a good thing - and - it's difficult to accept your frustration that people showed concern.

 

But there's still so much context missing - for example - how DO you do things? What IS she / isn't she into? What worked last time? What didn't?

Are we talking verbal, physical, all of the above - cos a lot of these involve different types of aftercare 

You can't give people half a story then get angry we're not mindreaders.  Communication is key, they say, and this is something you've fallen well short on. 

Posted
11 minutes ago, thebigbadwolf said:
It’s funny because every article talks about the emotional toll of a bdsm session but none of your answers acknowledge that. You have all made the leap that I am an ***r because I haven’t given you every possible detail about this. I will most likely never ask a question here again because most of you are not really into helping whatsoever. I think you need to go keep working on your fiction novels because that is where most of your heads are. Thank you to the few of you who offered the advice I was looking for to help me and gave me some things to consider. If I knew nothing, I wouldn’t even be here asking this question but I am trying to make it better for her during and after.

Sure, but alsooooo a stable, respectful person who is looking for advice/information/input wouldn’t be defensive when criticised, scrutinised, and requested of more information when asking opinions on a forum about sensitive and possible life-threatening subjects.

When people see red flags, they ask questions and in places like this, in this format, and given the subject matter, offer concerns.

Perhaps everyone in comments is wrong but surely an experienced and well versed Dom such as yourself understands the nature of where you are and the statistics of these activities, and that everyone is just trying to respond to the best of their knowledge, based on the snippet you originally provided.

Good luck to you and Your Partner.

Posted
36 minutes ago, thebigbadwolf said:

That’s not all I can come up. Point was don’t tell me that because I already know. Stop making assumptions and offer advice that is asked for. Stop being the white knight. Everyone gains experience somehow. You sound like a wannabe Dom talking about the police. Lol.

Its a psychological analyse of your own words you can get defensive all you want, even call me a wannabe, im sure nobody here really cares about the opinion of someone who ***s the person they claim to love... It seems even the truth is not enough to make you realize what you are saying is dangerous on so many levels. You cant help someone who does not want to be helped, you are not getting the answers you ask for because lifestylers follow safety protocols and will not enable you to continue the *** of your vanilla girlfriend ;)

Posted
No you can protest all you want but you have tipped your hand here. You are an abusive man taking advantage of a soul who is trying to please, and /or placate you. Release her. Let her go be happy and you go find a woman who truly does want your style of “bdsm”.
You’d really ought to try it from the other side a while so you understand and empathize with your sub.
Posted

If you are looking to gain experience educate yourself like every Dominant does, instead of acting like a 50 shades enthusiast and looking for quick answers online. 

You said it yourself you want to be a Dom, but you refuse to put in the time it takes to get the knowledge needed to know what is safe and what is not.

That means you havent even comprehended the most important thing, that a Dom(me) is responsible for educating him/herself till the point they know for sure they will not damage their sub(s).. that you get the same feedback from everybody says more about you then us ;)

Posted
8 minutes ago, Dutch013 said:

Its a psychological analyse of your own words you can get defensive all you want, even call me a wannabe, im sure nobody here really cares about the opinion of someone who ***s the person they claim to love... It seems even the truth is not enough to make you realize what you are saying is dangerous on so many levels. You cant help someone who does not want to be helped, you are not getting the answers you ask for because lifestylers follow safety protocols and will not enable you to continue the *** of your vanilla girlfriend

I get it. None of you people can give real advice or actually answer questions being asked unless you get your fill of information and if you don’t get it your first inclination is to call me an ***r without getting said information. Honestly why would I want advice from you at this point when you’ve made up your mind about so many things left unsaid.

Posted
2 minutes ago, thebigbadwolf said:

I get it. None of you people can give real advice or actually answer questions being asked unless you get your fill of information and if you don’t get it your first inclination is to call me an ***r without getting said information. Honestly why would I want advice from you at this point when you’ve made up your mind about so many things left unsaid.

DUDE!! Requesting more information from YOU so as to give the best advice is the most correct thing to be done! Why would we give or you want blind advice?!! Yikes.

Posted
2 minutes ago, thebigbadwolf said:

I get it. None of you people can give real advice or actually answer questions being asked unless you get your fill of information and if you don’t get it your first inclination is to call me an ***r without getting said information. Honestly why would I want advice from you at this point when you’ve made up your mind about so many things left unsaid.

Because there are so many red flags in your original post that you didnt even realize till after you got feedback, nobody really needs more information to see its *** and that you have absolutely no idea what you are doing, or what you are doing to her.

Posted
23 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

you do seem to have jumped overly at the defensive when folk were displaying valid concern

I feel things like

"she is not fond of the way I ultimately do it" was something which had people a little anxious
especially coupled with "she has agreed to let me go as far as I want. Even though I want to be a strict and merciless Dom"

that it doesn't sound very agreeable and sounds like you want to push things she's really not into.

that folk are concerned is somewhat of a good thing - and - it's difficult to accept your frustration that people showed concern.

 

But there's still so much context missing - for example - how DO you do things? What IS she / isn't she into? What worked last time? What didn't?

Are we talking verbal, physical, all of the above - cos a lot of these involve different types of aftercare 

You can't give people half a story then get angry we're not mindreaders.  Communication is key, they say, and this is something you've fallen well short on. 

I simply asked a question about aftercare ideas. I did not ask about the way I’m doing it. What I needed was advice and ideas about what I was asking. Sorry I included phrases that led you all to look for your SIS identification badges. If I wanted to give more info I would. Most of you cannot actually give any advice because you are wishing me off to prison. Trust me. No one is getting seriously injured from a hard spanking or having their boobs tied up. You guys honestly just go way too far.

Posted
1 minute ago, thebigbadwolf said:

I simply asked a question about aftercare ideas. I did not ask about the way I’m doing it. What I needed was advice and ideas about what I was asking. Sorry I included phrases that led you all to look for your SIS identification badges. If I wanted to give more info I would. Most of you cannot actually give any advice because you are wishing me off to prison. Trust me. No one is getting seriously injured from a hard spanking or having their boobs tied up. You guys honestly just go way too far.

Hard spankings? boobs tied? You claim you "want to be a merciless Dom" and thats the examples you give us.. Sounds like you are just as vanilla as your girlfriend xD

Posted
20 minutes ago, thebigbadwolf said:

I simply asked a question about aftercare ideas. I did not ask about the way I’m doing it. What I needed was advice and ideas about what I was asking.

but there is a big difference in after care if say... something is verbal ***,  dehumanification, r*peplay or impact play.  

Posted
1 hour ago, thebigbadwolf said:
It’s funny because every article talks about the emotional toll of a bdsm session but none of your answers acknowledge that. You have all made the leap that I am an ***r because I haven’t given you every possible detail about this. I will most likely never ask a question here again because most of you are not really into helping whatsoever. I think you need to go keep working on your fiction novels because that is where most of your heads are. Thank you to the few of you who offered the advice I was looking for to help me and gave me some things to consider. If I knew nothing, I wouldn’t even be here asking this question but I am trying to make it better for her during and after.

You Sir, make a lot of assumptions about the people who have commented on your post. You asked US for advice.. please remember that.
It is reasonable for us (who have collectively, DECADES of practical experience in BDSM, Fetish and Kink - and yes, some of us DO write about our actual experiences) to want to understand more about your stance - before we offer you the advice that you seek.

Sadly, I don’t believe your defensive, potentially hostile response to the questions asked of you have dulled my concerns, so it’s a hard pass from me from here on in.

Before you consider posting again, I would suggest you think about what it is that your sub wants from you, not what you can take from them.
It doesn’t feel to me like she has “agreed” to anything.

Posted

@thebigbadwolfI would strongly advise you to stop. You're reacting right now instead of responding, there's a very important difference between those two things. You're obviously having negative and uncomfortable feelings about the feedback you're receiving and have quite a lot of work to do on how to deal with that in a healthy and productive way. 

Stop making any further replies for a while, step away and return when your feelings have settled. Then read everything again and try to do so from a place of being open to learning and doing better, see where you made mistakes in the delivery of your OP and could have done better.

People can only work with the information you give them. If you feel they're getting the wrong idea about the situation that's on you for not giving a full and accurate description of the entire situation.

Several people have asked for more information and clarification yet you've ignored those requests and have gone straight to being defensive. Good communication skills are a vital part of BDSM and if you're experiencing uncomfortable feelings with the feedback you've received that's something to sit with, unpack and seriously work on. Going straight to being so defensive and tossing out insults and making passive aggressive comments like...

45 minutes ago, thebigbadwolf said:

 I will most likely never ask a question here again because most of you are not really into helping whatsoever. I think you need to go keep working on your fiction novels because that is where most of your heads are.

Is another example of a red flag you seem determined to wave around. 

 

56 minutes ago, thebigbadwolf said:

I guess you knew everything when you started right?

👆 This is another passive aggressive and defensive response.

 

There are many very experienced and  knowledgeable people in this thread who I frequently see offering really good advice and guidance to beginners and novices. The energy and attitude you're bringing here doesn't appear at all to be that of someone interested in learning or that of someone who cares about best and safer practices. 

 

BDSM is serious stuff with potentially serious consequences. An important and valuable aspect of being part of this community is calling out potentially dangerous and harmful situations and for those on the other side to be open to hearing those concerns, listening and asking what they can do differently or better. Literally *everyone* in the BDSM community has areas where they can improve, do better and continue to grow. There isn't anyone in existence who doesn't have room for improvement. 

1 hour ago, thebigbadwolf said:

It’s funny because every article talks about the emotional toll of a bdsm session but none of your answers acknowledge that.

Several people have actually, it's a large part of what everyone is very concerned about.  

Posted
47 minutes ago, thebigbadwolf said:

I simply asked a question about aftercare ideas. I did not ask about the way I’m doing it. What I needed was advice and ideas about what I was asking. Sorry I included phrases that led you all to look for your SIS identification badges. If I wanted to give more info I would. Most of you cannot actually give any advice because you are wishing me off to prison. Trust me. No one is getting seriously injured from a hard spanking or having their boobs tied up. You guys honestly just go way too far.

It would be irresponsible for anyone to give advice without having all the information. Giving advice with only bits and pieces could have potentially dangerous consequences. 

People responding with the concern and care that they have is a GOOD THING. You should be appreciative that people care about the safety and emotional wellbeing of your partner, the fact that you're being so defensive instead of wanting to clarify and give an accurate picture is a big deal and indication that *you* have a lot of work to do in the area of emotional regulation and intelligence and what healthy, productive communication looks like. 

Posted
We all learn every day of our lives, perhaps if the question had been worded differently you may have got some helpful answers. Don't wave a red flag at a bull, then ask it for a ride when you get its attention. A tip would be to check the tide is in before diving off of the cliff.
Posted
1 hour ago, NexumSange said:

DUDE!! Requesting more information from YOU so as to give the best advice is the most correct thing to be done! Why would we give or you want blind advice?!! Yikes.

Maybe read what advice I am asking for?

Posted
1 hour ago, Dutch013 said:

Hard spankings? boobs tied? You claim you "want to be a merciless Dom" and thats the examples you give us.. Sounds like you are just as vanilla as your girlfriend

Oh so now I went from abusive to vanilla? You sound like this is a fake profile and you are a little girl. You literally take everything I say however you want it. Honestly I feel sorry for anyone that would let you do what I am going to do.

Posted
1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

but there is a big difference in after care if say... something is verbal ***,  dehumanification, r*peplay or impact play.  

Ok cool. Do you know how to do ANY of it? Do you have one idea you can give me? Because there will be some of all of that.

Posted

I'd like to answer your question the way that you asked it, although I'm not certain that you will appreciate my response any more than others.  And, for that, I apologize.  First, aftercare begins before the session even starts.  It begins by understanding limits, desires, needs, triggers, and a thorough discussion of what the session will entail.  From what you described, and what I feel most people are responding to, is that you are not going to be playing in the Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) end of the pool, but will instead be wading into the deep end of Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) and Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink (PRICK).  By their very nature, RACK and PRICK related activities need to be thoroughly discussed and agreed upon.  They are not agreed upon to fulfill the needs of the Dom, but they are agreed upon to fulfill both partner's needs.  Part of this pre-session negotiation is a discussion of the care needs of the sub both during the session and following it (after-care).  What safe words will be used.  What feels nurturing to the submissive.  What allows them to feel that they can communicate (whether gagged, bound, etc.) that you are approaching a limit and that you will stop and check in with them.  These are actually essential parts of aftercare; the Dom communicating and committing to the sub that they are valued, valuable, and their needs matter tremendously.  The sub needs to feel that they can trust you to meet their needs as they arise (not just waiting until after the session is over). So that is the first part of aftercare.  The next part is during the session if your sub does use a safe word.  A check in may be all that is needed.  But, there may also be the need to stop everything and check in.  You mentioned breast bondage and spanking in one of your replies.  Both of these can touch on significant triggers for some individuals.  Stopping, checking in, and providing care can be essential at the moment that someone is triggered (rather than waiting until the end). Besides this, making certain your sub is hydrated, has the fuel for a full day session, can relax any sore muscles, feels connected, etc. is a part of an extended, day-long session.  Finally, following a session you get to what many people consider is aftercare.  Care at this time is about feeling nurtured, valued, and cared for.  It is as individual as there are submissives.  Stuffies, hot chocolate, cheese and crackers, body rubs, cooling creams, etc. can all be a part of aftercare.  The key is what the submissive, and you, need for aftercare.  The aftercare of both you and your submissive are both key to aftercare.  I know some submissives enjoy being held close and having a conversation, while others need to be pampered.  A warm bath (including being bathed), calm music, etc.  Anyway, that is my answer to your question.  Aftercare begins before the session, continues during it, and follows it depending upon both your needs, and the needs of the submissive.

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